WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Writing Craft > The SPaG Workshop

The SPaG Workshop Work on any issues you may have concerning spelling and grammar with the help of our SPaG Ninjas!


In the Shop (305 words)

 
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 05-30-2014, 08:29 AM
P.G.McCarthy (Offline)
Let me introduce myself
New Author
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: St. Louis - city
Posts: 2
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Default In the Shop (305 words)


He lifts raw, thick boards up and out from the kiln. Lighter than yesterday, the rough edges now need taming and truing. The wood is still dull, seemingly lifeless, but he knows the ways to coax the desired warmth and luster.He lays out each board on a broad, dusty work table where early morning sunlight casts its long slant of yellowing light from an old window in the shed. Better boards are spotted and moved to their privileged camp while the lesser and blemished ones are assessed for what smaller gifts they might bear after cutting out their offending natures.

The whine of the chop saw makes for quick surgery: Knots, tumors and pale wood chunks are discarded to a nearby heap and the shorter, remaining lengths emerge to rejoin the assembly. The hum of the heavy jointer begins, then screams as each board passes firmly over its fiercely spinning blades.This is the shaping, the truing up, the training of the board at the hand of the crafter.

Several of the boards are reserved for the rails and styles of what will make up the great entry door of a wealthy patron’s obscene home. These are fed into the planer, also screaming as each board is reduced slightly to the requisite thickness. With each pass, the grain is more evident and the faint bitterness of mahogany is everywhere in the shop. Other boards are reduced even further as they will form the large panels that float within the great frames. By mid morning all the raw wood is trued up and dressed, ready for a week of further formation.It’s at this moment when his pride and happiness emerge, the creative process has fully begun and the painful ruminations of his losses and heartaches are blotted out by the intensity of simple joy.

  #2  
Old 05-31-2014, 12:49 AM
Devon's Avatar
Devon (Offline)
Guard Dog and Playful Pup
Senior Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: In the ether of my imagination
Posts: 10,834
Thanks: 904
Thanks 1,696
Default

Hello there, P.G.!

Give us a bit, and one of our Ninja Team will snag this and tear it up.
__________________
Twenty-year-old Marisa discovers her life is all a lie:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Twisty mind candy:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  #3  
Old 06-09-2014, 08:24 AM
Night Wanderer's Avatar
Night Wanderer (Offline)
Midnight nomad
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 5,096
Thanks: 61
Thanks 252
Default

Sorry for the wait, PG. Mistakes in red, fixes in blue, comments in purple!

He lifts raw, thick boards up and out from the kiln. Lighter than yesterday, the rough edges now need taming and truing. [This is called a misplaced modifier. You want to say that the boards are lighter than yesterday, but the way this sentence is structured, you're actually saying that the rough edges are lighter than yesterday. You can fix this by changing it to something like: "They are lighter than yesterday, and their rough edges now need taming and truing."]

The wood is still dull, seemingly lifeless, but he knows the ways to coax the desired warmth and luster. He lays out each board on a broad, dusty work table where early morning sunlight casts its long slant of yellowing light from through an old window in the shed. Better boards are spotted and moved to their privileged camp while the lesser and blemished ones are assessed for what smaller gifts they might bear after cutting out their offending natures. [This is called "passive voice" and generally doesn't do much to help your story flow. Rather than have the boards "be spotted", have the man spot them--it sounds much better. For example: "The carpenter spots the best boards and sets them aside; then he critically assesses the rest, planning how best to use them once he's cut out the blemishes."]

The whine of the chop saw makes for quick surgery: [Here you're making "the whine" the subject of the sentence--but a whine can't perform surgery, because it's a sound. Restructure so that the chop saw is the subject: "The whining chop saw makes for quick surgery."]

Knots, tumors and pale wood chunks are discarded to a nearby heap and the shorter, remaining lengths emerge to rejoin the assembly. [I'm a bit unclear on what this means--rejoin what assembly? Do you mean they're added to the pile of good wood?]

The hum of the heavy jointer begins, then screams as each board passes firmly over its fiercely spinning blades. [Here, "the hum" is the subject--so when you move on to the second part of the sentence, you're essentially saying that the hum screams. A hum can't scream. Make the jointer the subject: "The heavy jointer begins to hum, then screams...etc."]

This is the shaping, the truing up, the training of the board at the hand of the crafter.

Several of the boards are reserved for the rails and styles of what will make up become the great entry door of a wealthy patronís obscene home. These are fed he feeds into the planer, also screaming which also screams as each board is reduced slightly to the requisite thickness. With each pass, the grain is more evident and the faint bitterness of mahogany is everywhere in wafts through the shop. Other boards are reduced even further as they will form the large panels that float within the great frames. [Panels can float within frames? I can't picture this. Rephrase for clarity.]

By mid morning mid-morning all the raw wood is trued up and dressed, ready for a week of further formation. Itís at this moment when his the crafter's pride and happiness emerge [emerge is not the best word here], [comma splice; change to semicolon or full stop] the creative process has fully begun and the painful ruminations [word choice] of his losses and heartaches are blotted out by the intensity of simple joy.
__________________
Thou speak'st aright. I am that merry wanderer of the night. --Midsummer Night's Dream
 

  WritersBeat.com > Writing Craft > The SPaG Workshop


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Creep World (WIP) MalReynolds Fiction 21 09-07-2017 06:06 AM
The Words (Complete) LeWriter Fiction 19 06-19-2013 02:18 AM
Words are Words. Kenner Poetry 12 01-29-2010 09:02 PM
Words Baron Poetry 29 08-23-2007 05:47 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 01:40 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.