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Old 07-30-2008, 07:18 AM
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Default Armageddon: The start of the enD (Intro and discussion thread)


Armagedden: The start of the enD

by: Eternitysouls (M)


Official discussion thread before draft...
Warning!!:Explicit language and violence will occur in this story...
Intro...
Earth, London, England
August, 13th 3052 AM (Anno Machina)
"We are having reports of soldiers filling in the streets of London but there is no exact reason why? As I'm telling you this report, the army are still continueing to unempty the blank spaces of the road and some of them even stand infront of houses and doors...." A reporter in the T.V. was reporting the situation of London's street.

"What is the meaning of this colonel? I thought we had an agreement!" A man on the phone was talking to someone believe to be the colonel of this army.

"I'm just following my orders, I tried, I'm sorry Fred, There is really othing I can do. My ranks are not high enough to take that command!" The colonel on the line replied.

"This is not good, not good at all! I'm using it! and try to stop me colonel!" The man named Fred talked back furiously and was sure of his decision.

"You will not do that, do you hear me Fred! you sick son of a....."The colonel's voice was cutted off when Fred smashed the telephone in peices.

Fred quickly run to his basement, the dampness and the moisture in the air shows that the basement wasn't open for a long time. Fred turned on the lights and walked down the squeeking, wood stairs, slowly one by one. When he reached the floor, he walked to a wine shelve and pulled a wine bottle out of it's holder. The middle-aged man reached into the hole, that was now revealed, with his right hand. He pressed the button that was well hidden inside. Sounds of moving cog wheels and machines rumbled throught the room. The wall shaked a little and starts to open, inthere was a secret room. He walked in and said " Fred Trendor, ST40625 activate!" to a small device stuck on the opened wall.

The room began to rumble more as Fred finished his sentence. Then there was a voice saying "Sad Tango Active". Fred then quickly run inside and turned on the power generator that lights up the secret room. Inside the secret room, sleeping in a forever hybernation, lies 3 beasts. Beasts of mass destruction and a war machine. These robots are designed for war and was used in many named wars that had come and is coming. Fred was authorized to keep three, the ST40625 model or Sad Tango, the DF87210 or Dancing Fire and the AH15682 or Angel's Hand.

Fred ran to the second giant that is hanging onto a huge machine hand, holding the war machines in place and in order. He ran to it's toe and pulled a glide board out of it's socket on the toe of the machine. He threw it not far away from him making it active, he then jump on to the floating board and placed his right foot on the control panel. He flew up to the robot and jumped down to it's shoulder. Fred didn't spend much time with the board, he just left it floating. He pressed a button on the neck of the droid and inserted in a set of numbers into a little box next to the button.

The body of the machine rumbled a little, it's head slowly opens and reveals the inside of it's head. Fred jumped it, the wires inside the robot automatically wrap Fred's body and inserts needles on it's head into parts of his body. Fred didn't show any emotion like he went throught this for thousands of time. The head closes and lock, Fred then shouted: "Release!", the machine hand that was grabbing the mobile suite then let go, The robot jumped down causing it's metal surface to collide against the cement floor of the secret room.

Light was slowly coming through the room as the hatch doors opened. Fred stood infront of it, growing more impatience than ever. He didn't wait for the door to open fully, when the gap was opened out enoegh for him to go through, he quickly ran out. The robot automatically activate it's roller blade- like wheels on both of its feet. The wheel slowly appear out of it's socket and was active. Fred was roller blading through the tunnel and then jumped out of it's end. He then start the jetpacks and flew out of the tunnel that appears to be a sewer on the outside. The Sad Tango flew swiftly over the city and had to suddenly flip over when two missles were shot towards them.

"What the hell are they thinking about! This baby is designed to take any damage done on to them! Now I'm pissed, I'll destroy everone of you!" Fred shouted while shooting the gatling gun on both of Sad Tango's arms.

"This just in! it appears to be a large flying robot that is destroying the army's missle laucher! Oh my god! it's coming this way, run!" The news reporter shouted at the camera man after the robot flew down so close to the street that it's armour plate almost touched the floor.

"Ha ha ha ha, Die!" Fred was in a rage, his laugh sounded very disgusting and bloodthirsted.

The Sad Tango killed all of the soldiers, leaving the streets filled with blood and gore. It didn't move after it fighted, It's just floating very still in mid air. Inside, Fred was unconcious, the mobile suite had drained almost all of his energy. At this age, he doesn't have that much energy left to really ride the machine. The robot was a frozen target for the army to strike, the colonel that was observating the situation in the headquarters didn't hesitate, he ordered another missle to be shot at the robot. The missle flew like a jet plane, it's speed was terrifyingly fast and is going straight to Fred.

The missle hit it's target perfectly, The robot took all the damge to it's chest. With the forcefield down, the colonel found another chance to take advantage of Fred, he ordered one more missle. This one was a special one, designed to penetrate through anytype of armour, espeacially steel. The robot took in another missle, this time it flew through the force input to it and crashed onto a building. No vital signs were shown, another brigade of soldiers was leaving the HQ and going straight to the crashed robot. Before the army could get there, the robot exploded, Fred had some energy left to be concious and pressed the self destruct button.

There goes another hero, Fred was a good man. Without Fred, the colonel took his army to many places in England and started to claim every land he see for his corrupted government. He first took over England, now his army covered the south east asia and australia. All hope were lost, all people were killed. A new world was ordered. Many tried to fight but failed, no one had escape the poison of this army. No one can stop this rage until the time has come. A group of warriors, secretly trained, was formed. They all only have one goal, finish what Fred had started.....

so how was it? that was only the introduction and a rough draft of it too, I might be abit sloppy but I promise when I really write it It'll be reviewd and read over many times before I submit.

So here is what I want you to do, Suggestions and Discussions. I want to know how is it with your own opinion and be honest now! say what you really think! I'll appreciate it, I have to go now bye~ enjoy!!


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Old 07-30-2008, 12:50 PM
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Hehe...sorry. This made me laugh:
Ha ha ha ha, Die!" Fred was in a rage, his laugh sounded very disgusting and bloodthirsted.
I'll fix that in my critique...

First of all, your title should be: Armageddon: The Beginning of the End. Notice my use of capitols and the "O" in Armageddon
A
rmagedden: The start of the enD

by: Eternitysouls (M)


Official discussion thread before draft...

Warning!!:Explicit language and violence will occur in this story...

Intro...

Earth, London, England
August, 13th 3052 AM (Anno Machina)"We are having(have) reports of soldiers filling in the streets of London but there is no exact reason why?(How does he know there's no exact reason? He should just say he doesn't know what the reason is) As I'm telling you this report (As I speak would be much more clear and concise), the army is still continueing to unempty(Very poor. Still and continuing are redundent, and unempty seems to be the opposite of empty, which would be to fill. If it were a word, that is. Try: "The army is emptying") the blank (Spaces of road aren't "blank". Try "clear" or a synonym) spaces of the road and some of them even stand infront of houses and doors...."(I'm confused already. Why are they emptying blank spaces of road? Who is standing in front of the houses and doors? The army? Occupants?) A reporter in the T.V. was reporting the situation of London's street.(First of all, reporters are not in the T.V. They are on it. Second, this is a bad place to have clarification. It's much too explanatory. Does Fred have the T.V on? Fred could reference the T.V, or glare at it, or something.)

"What is the meaning of this colonel? I thought we had an agreement!"(Much too forced. He's under stress, and chances are he wouldn't talk like this normally either. Maybe: "What the hell's this, Colonel? We had an agreement, you bastard!" Much more fiery, much more likely.) A man on the phone was talking to someone believe to be the colonel of this army. (I'm not going to correct the mistakes in this sentence because it shouldn't be here. We know he's talking to the colonel already, and you shouldn't explain exactly what he's doing. Try inserting something like "Fred (lastnamehere) snarled into the phone." after he's finished saying something. He needs a last name, too. Fred is a rather funny name to just leave standing alone.)

"I'm just following my orders, I tried, I'm sorry Fred, There is really othing I can do. My ranks are not high enough to take that command!" The colonel on the line replied. (This sentence is rather poorly set up. The dialogue needs to be shorter and harder hitting. It's a little too complex of a sentence for me to correct it bit by bit, so I'll just give an example and hope you glean something from it. I'm inserting more natural dialogue patterns too. "Sorry Fred, I'm just following orders. If I was a few bajillion ranks above colonel I could take command, but there's not much I can do now. I tried."

"This is not good, not good at all! I'm using it! and try to stop me colonel!" The man named Fred talked back furiously and was sure of his decision.(BREE! BREE! BREE! Whoops...sorry. All this red must have triggered the defense department defcon alert. Anyway, this is just plain bad. Unnatural dialogue, unnatural actions, unnatural PoV representation. First of all he should be saying something like: "This isn't good, man!" Then add how he says it. "This isn't good, man!" Fred said furiously. "This is. not. good." (Notice how I stuttered with periods. I think that's the right technique for conveying his emphasis). Then have him declare his intentions. "I'm using it, man, and you just try and stop me!"

"You will not(Wont' sounds better) do that, do you hear me Fred[/S],(They both know his name, and so do we by now. No need to keep saying it. Sounds funny) you sick son of a....."(Always use three ellipsis (...))The colonel's voice was cutted(Cut) off when(as) Fred smashed the telephone in peices(Into pieces. Smithereens, fragments, or something like that might sound better than pieces.).

Fred quickly run(Ran. No need to change tenses) to his basement, the(The) dampness and the moisture in the air shows(Showed. Changing tenses in the middle of the story is usually a bad idea. No exception here.) that the basement wasn't open(Hadn't been opened! Another tense change! Bad!) for a long time. Fred turned on thelights and walked down the squeeking(Squeaking),(No comma) wood(en) stairs, slowly one by one(Use slowly or one by one. Otherwise it's redundant). When he reached the floor(You should say where, not what. He reached the basement.), he walked to a wine shelve(Shelf) and pulled a wine bottle out of it's(Ow! Ow! Ow! Pet peeve! You used an apostrophe in a possessive "its". Apostrophes are used to denote a contracted "its", as in "it is".) holder. The middle-aged man reached into the hole, that was now revealed[S], with his right hand
(No need to tell which hand. I've read ahead to see, and it won't be significant which hand he uses.). He pressed the button that was well (It's hidden, and that's all we have to know) hidden inside. Sounds of moving cog wheels and machines(Machinery) rumbled throught(Through or throughout?) the room. The wall shaked a little(Just "shook" is fine) and starts(Arrrgghh! I'm gonna hafta keelhaul ye, matey! Ye're usin' another gosh-durned tense change! "started" is the correct tense, and don't ye forget it!" to open, inthere(Inside) was a secret room. He walked in and said " Fred Trendor, ST40625 activate (Capitalize)!" (in)to a small device stuck on the opened(open) wall.


(This is exhausting me I'm going to take a small break and finish later)

The room began to rumble more as Fred finished his sentence. Then there was a voice saying "Sad Tango Active". Fred then quickly run inside and turned on the power generator that lights up the secret room. Inside the secret room, sleeping in a forever hybernation, lies 3 beasts. Beasts of mass destruction and a war machine. These robots are designed for war and was used in many named wars that had come and is coming. Fred was authorized to keep three, the ST40625 model or Sad Tango, the DF87210 or Dancing Fire and the AH15682 or Angel's Hand.

Fred ran to the second giant that is hanging onto a huge machine hand, holding the war machines in place and in order. He ran to it's toe and pulled a glide board out of it's socket on the toe of the machine. He threw it not far away from him making it active, he then jump on to the floating board and placed his right foot on the control panel. He flew up to the robot and jumped down to it's shoulder. Fred didn't spend much time with the board, he just left it floating. He pressed a button on the neck of the droid and inserted in a set of numbers into a little box next to the button.

The body of the machine rumbled a little, it's head slowly opens and reveals the inside of it's head. Fred jumped it, the wires inside the robot automatically wrap Fred's body and inserts needles on it's head into parts of his body. Fred didn't show any emotion like he went throught this for thousands of time. The head closes and lock, Fred then shouted: "Release!", the machine hand that was grabbing the mobile suite then let go, The robot jumped down causing it's metal surface to collide against the cement floor of the secret room.

Light was slowly coming through the room as the hatch doors opened. Fred stood infront of it, growing more impatience than ever. He didn't wait for the door to open fully, when the gap was opened out enoegh for him to go through, he quickly ran out. The robot automatically activate it's roller blade- like wheels on both of its feet. The wheel slowly appear out of it's socket and was active. Fred was roller blading through the tunnel and then jumped out of it's end. He then start the jetpacks and flew out of the tunnel that appears to be a sewer on the outside. The Sad Tango flew swiftly over the city and had to suddenly flip over when two missles were shot towards them.

"What the hell are they thinking about! This baby is designed to take any damage done on to them! Now I'm pissed, I'll destroy everone of you!" Fred shouted while shooting the gatling gun on both of Sad Tango's arms.

"This just in! it appears to be a large flying robot that is destroying the army's missle laucher! Oh my god! it's coming this way, run!" The news reporter shouted at the camera man after the robot flew down so close to the street that it's armour plate almost touched the floor.

"Ha ha ha ha, Die!" Fred was in a rage, his laugh sounded very disgusting and bloodthirsted.

The Sad Tango killed all of the soldiers, leaving the streets filled with blood and gore. It didn't move after it fighted, It's just floating very still in mid air. Inside, Fred was unconcious, the mobile suite had drained almost all of his energy. At this age, he doesn't have that much energy left to really ride the machine. The robot was a frozen target for the army to strike, the colonel that was observating the situation in the headquarters didn't hesitate, he ordered another missle to be shot at the robot. The missle flew like a jet plane, it's speed was terrifyingly fast and is going straight to Fred.

The missle hit it's target perfectly, The robot took all the damge to it's chest. With the forcefield down, the colonel found another chance to take advantage of Fred, he ordered one more missle. This one was a special one, designed to penetrate through anytype of armour, espeacially steel. The robot took in another missle, this time it flew through the force input to it and crashed onto a building. No vital signs were shown, another brigade of soldiers was leaving the HQ and going straight to the crashed robot. Before the army could get there, the robot exploded, Fred had some energy left to be concious and pressed the self destruct button.

There goes another hero, Fred was a good man. Without Fred, the colonel took his army to many places in England and started to claim every land he see for his corrupted government. He first took over England, now his army covered the south east asia and australia. All hope were lost, all people were killed. A new world was ordered. Many tried to fight but failed, no one had escape the poison of this army. No one can stop this rage until the time has come. A group of warriors, secretly trained, was formed. They all only have one goal, finish what Fred had started.....

so how was it? that was only the introduction and a rough draft of it too, I might be abit sloppy but I promise when I really write it It'll be reviewd and read over many times before I submit.

So here is what I want you to do, Suggestions and Discussions. I want to know how is it with your own opinion and be honest now! say what you really think! I'll appreciate it, I have to go now bye~ enjoy!!

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Old 07-30-2008, 01:00 PM
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Dude (don't mind me calling you that please!), I worship you! really, you're like my teacher, everything I wrote sounds right to me I just don't know why? but I guess now that I have you helping (would you?) I think I can make this story much more exciting than before and ever! I'm gonna add you to my buddy list!! thanks a billion!!
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Old 07-30-2008, 01:09 PM
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Sure, I'm here to help! It's part of the deal...help others in return for them helping you! But I have to warn you that I'm by no means the cat's pajamas at this sort of thing. Quite a few people here are better at editing and ferreting out mistakes. As a personal favor to me, though, could you use spell check before sending it in next time? I think it'd make things quite a bit easier for everyone. I'll finish it as soon as I can, but for some weird reason my "Edit" button isn't working at the moment, so I may have to wait until it starts. Good luck working through the story! And I don't mind that you call me dude...I'm still young and cool .

Tell you what, since that edit button just doesn't want to work, I'm gonna copy and paste the unfinished bits into this post and continue editing here. By the way, ignore that paragraph long score-line in the last post...mistake on my part.

[quote]The room began to rumble more as Fred finished his sentence. Then there was a voice saying "Sad Tango Active". Fred then quickly run(Just "quickly ran" inside and turned on the power generator that lights(lit) up the secret room. Inside the secret room, sleeping in a forever (Forever implies that they will never wake up. Obviously, they are going to wake up) hybernation(hibernation), lies(Must...restrain...fist of death! Once again, tense changing is a no-no. "lay" is what you need) 3(three. Small numbers are written out) beasts. Beasts of mass destruction and a war machine.(Um...same thing, aren't they? And don't use "beasts" again, you already had it once. Gotta mix your descriptors, otherwise it looks silly) These robots are(Were. Keep it in the past tense, eh?) designed for war and was(were, again. You're talking multiple objects, here) used in many named(What's this supposed to mean? All wars have names, except perhaps for the minor, private feuds and things) wars that had come and is coming(...that had gone by and had not yet been fought. Sounds much better. And you should probably explain the time period, as robots like these have not been used in any wars that I know of) . Fred was authorized to keep three(Why? What's up with Fred, that he's allowed to have these deadly war machines? You should tell us.), the ST40625 model or Sad Tango, the DF87210 or Dancing Fire and the AH15682 or Angel's Hand. (OK, the item numbers look professional, but nobody will know what they mean. You don't need the numbers just the names. Instead of the numbers, perhaps you could throw in descriptions of what they look like and each one's specs? Sci-fi war junkies love that stuff )

Fred ran to the second giant that is hanging onto(Makes it seem as if it's hanging of its own free will) a huge machine(mechanical) hand,(no comma, and add "that was") holding the war machines in place[s] and in order[/S](It's enough to know that they're in place). He ran to it's(its) toe(Hands don't have toes ) and pulled a glide board out of it's(its) socket on the toe of the machine (We know where it is because he ran there and pulled it out). He threw it not far away ("a short distance away" sounds better. "Not far away" is a little confusing. You have "not" which sounds like it should be associated with a short or small thing, and then you have "far away" which brings to mind a long distance. They sort of clash)from him making it active(activating it. Short and to the point.),(Take out the comma, capitalize "he") he then jump(ed) on to the floating board and placed his right foot on the control panel. (I'm having trouble envisioning this. Where's the control panel? On the board, being controlled by his foot? On the robot? On neither?) He flew up to the robot and jumped down to it's(its) shoulder. (Dress this sentence up a little. You don't want to make actions like flying sound too simple or easy, as that's not how the average person would think of it) Fred didn't spend much time with the board, he just left it floating. (You might be able to lose this sentence altogether. He's already off the board, and the reader will assume he just left it, you don't need to tell us. Your choice) He pressed a button on the neck of the droid and inserted in (Inserted already implies "in". Though inserted might not be the best choice. "Entered" might sound more like he's typing numbers.) a set of numbers into a little box(keypad?) next(I'm a little uncertain as to what I should do here, but it seems that "adjacent" might sound better.) to the button.

The body of the machine rumbled a little,(Comma out, period in, capitalize "its") it's(Its) head slowly opens(I'm resisting the urge to commit Hara-Kiri right now. Know why? Tense change! Should be: "opened" ) and reveals(My destiny is a padded room, I just know it. "Revealed" is the correct tense) the inside of it's(There's a little room in hell where people use the wrong tenses and "it's" in the possessive tense. It is the little known eighth circle of hell where writers and editors go if they've been bad. Use "its" for the possessive tense) head. Fred jumped it(in), the wires inside the robot automatically wrap(ping around) Fred's body and inserts(inserting. New tense.) needles on it's head(This description just makes it more confusing for the reader) into (I don't know about you, but I would say "various parts of his body." I don't know why, it just sounds better ) parts of his body. Fred didn't show any emotion like he went throught this for thousands of time(Rather messed up tenses and grammar here. "Like he'd gone through this a thousand times" will convey your meaning much better). The head closes and lock(Tell you what, I'm going to refrain from witty remarks on this, and just correct it . "Closed and locked"), Fred then shouted: "Release!", (Comma out, capitalize "the" to begin a new sentence) the machine hand that was grabbing(Just plain "Grabbing" or "gripping" or something should work fine here.) the mobile suite(Suite? As in a suite of rooms, like in a hotel? Funny choice of words, there) then let go, The robot jumped down causing it's metal surface to collide against the cement floor of the secret room.(It jumped. What does one expect next? Boom! Hits the floor! They know exactly what's going to happen when it jumps, so you can take this out. I'd replace it with describing how it hit the floor. "It hit the floor heavily," or "with a crash" or "it shook the walls")

Light was slowly coming(Confusing tenses again. "Slowly came" is what you want to say, though I'd replace "Slowly came through the room" with "Slowly illuminated the room) through the room as the hatch doors opened. Fred stood infront of it, growing more impatience(impatient) than ever. (Wait...isn't he in the robot? He's not standing, the robot is. You should say that, and mention that Fred is in the robot) He didn't wait for the door to open fully,(delete comma. I think a semicolon would work nicely instead) when the gap was opened out enoegh(wide enough) for him to go through,(No comma) he quickly(Adverbs are discouraged whenever possible. Running already implies quickness, so you should take out "quickly" ran out. The robot automatically activate(ed) it's(its, though I would say "the" in place of "its" here) roller blade- like wheels on both of its feet. The wheel slowly appear(ed) out of it's(its) socket and was active. Fred (Still in the robot, of course?) was roller blading(just "roller-bladed". That's the correct tense) through the tunnel and then jumped out of it's(the) end. He then start(ed) the jetpacks and flew out of the tunnel that appears to be a sewer on the outside(Too much explanation. "flew out of the sewer that concealed the tunnel" would sound better). The Sad Tango flew swiftly over the city and had to suddenly flip over when two missles were shot towards them. (You're overcondensing. "Flew swiftly over the city" isn't quite enough to put an image in the reader's mind of the robot soaring over London. Add description of the city below, and what the air looks and feels like. When you've finished that, something like "Fred was forced to flip the robot to avoid two missiles fired from the ground") should convey the action quite neatly)

"What the hell are they thinking about! This baby is designed to take any damage done on to them! Now I'm pissed, I'll destroy everone of you!" Fred shouted while shooting the gatling gun on both of Sad Tango's arms. (Ah...we return to the stilted dialogue. I'm having trouble finding a way to correct it piece by piece, so I hope you don't mind another example: "What the hell are they thinking?" Fred shouted (an adverb might work here. Insert -ly word of your choice). "This baby can take all the pitiful flak you can throw at it! I'm pissed now! Time to die!" Best I can do for now...sorry, being called away. Be back with the rest shortly!)

"This just in! it appears to be a large flying robot that is destroying the army's missle laucher! Oh my god! it's coming this way, run!" The news reporter shouted at the camera man(This is rather funny. It sounds like a parody of what a reporter might say. Something more in touch with honest human emotion, though still with the detached air of a reporter might sound something like this: "My God!" The reporter on T.V said, obviously struggling to keep his composure. He half turned towards the camera, keeping an eye on the machine flying above. "It...it's a large, flying craft, and it's just destroyed the army's SAM Battery (Surface-Air-Missile. Probably what they were using)!" Fred swooped down, the robot almost scraping the street, heading towards the reporter. He and his camera-man sprinted out of its way as it streaked by. Sorry, I went a little wild there. But the way I did it was to mix the dialogue and action together, giving it more of an intense, as-it's-happening feeling. It works well, and you can practically never overuse it.) after the robot flew down so close to the street that it's armour plate almost touched the floor. (The street doesn't have a floor, it has a surface. And if you use the technique I suggested, you could take this sentence out altogether)

"Ha ha ha ha, Die!" Fred was in a rage, his laugh sounded very disgusting and bloodthirsted. (First, "Ha, ha" is something that most writers try to avoid. It doesn't invoke the image of laughing, and sounds a little juvenile in print. Most people settle for saying "he laughed (insert adverb here)" Next, disgusting should be disgusted, and bloodthirsted should be bloodthirsty. Though I'm not sure if you want to use disgusted here.)

The Sad Tango killed all of the soldiers, leaving the streets filled with blood and gore. (Wow...er, that was quick. They're all dead, just like that. It sounds like there should have been at least a little battle fought. You might want to add some detail as to how it happened) It didn't move after it fighted(finished fighting), It's just floating very still in mid air. (, just floated benignly in the air. Conveys a much better image of the fearsome machine seemingly residing) Inside, Fred was unconscious,(Take out comma, add colon) the mobile suite had drained almost all of his energy. At this age, he doesn't(didn't) have that(enough) much energy left to really ride(fully operate) the machine. The robot was a frozen target( ,a sitting duck...) for the army to strike, (capitalize "the") the colonel that was observating(observing) the situation in(at) the headquarters didn't hesitate,(Delete comma, add semicolon) he ordered another missle(missile) to be shot at the robot. The missle(missile) flew like a jet plane(You might be able to find a better description here. Jet planes are rather large and ponderous looking, and though they're fast, they don't immediately invoke the image of speed), it's(its) speed was terrifyingly fast and is going straight to Fred(as it knifed towards Fred).

The missle(missile) hit it's(its) target perfectly(Not wrong, but not as good as it could be. A perfect hit on a target that we don't really know is hard to envision. "Dead on" or some such descriptor might serve imagination better), The robot took all the damge to it's chest (Took the powerful projectile straight in the chest). With the forcefield down, the colonel found another chance to take advantage of Fred, he ordered one more missle (Of course he'll find an advantage. His shield is down. Just say that the colonel, seeing the forcefield down, ordered another missile fired). This one was a special one(Used "one" twice in close proximity. Replace with "missile"), designed to penetrate through anytype of armour, espeacially(especially) steel. The robot took in another [s]missle[/S](replace with "hit", if you like. Sounds more military and action-oriented. Replace next comma with period.), this time it flew through the force input to it (This makes it sound like the missile flew through it's own exhaust. I'm guessing it really flew through the robot?) and crashed onto a building. No vital signs were shown(Could be seen. The vital statistics weren't up on display. Replace next comma with period, start new sentence), another brigade of soldiers was leaving the HQ and going straight to the crashed robot. Before the army could get there, the robot exploded,(Replace comma with period) Fred had some energy left to be concious and(Fred, just barely conscious, had)pressed the self destruct button.

There goes another hero,(Take out comma, replace with period) Fred was a good man. Without Fred(Because Fred was gone?), the colonel took his army to many places in England and started to claim every(all the) land he see(saw) for his corrupted government. He first took over England, now(then) his army covered the south east asia(South-east Asia) and australia(Australia). All hope were(was) lost, all(many) people were killed. A new world was ordered. Many tried to fight but failed, no one had(could) escape the poison of this army. No one can stop this rage until the time has come (The rampage seemed as if it could never be stopped?). A group of warriors, secretly trained, was formed. They all only have(had, put before "only") one goal,(replace comma with semicolon) finish what Fred had started.....(only three of these ellipsis...)[/quote]
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Old 07-30-2008, 01:14 PM
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oh ok, thanks anyways, I promise I will use the spell check button next time! sorry! I really hate the spell check button but if you say so...Thanks again, so I guess I'll wait for you to correct my errors and then I would start to discuss about it thanks!!
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Old 07-30-2008, 02:29 PM
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Well, once I'm done with my notes and comments, it'll probably take a good while for you to go over them and correct, but after you finish with that, we can discuss all you'd like. I have a few comments about plot and such that you might like to mull over. And even after you fix up all of this stuff, I get the sense that it'll be a little rough in terms of story-line, description, etc., so going over that again might not be a bad idea. But you should look at my comments and try it on your own first. If you get a little stuck, everyone here's happy to help!
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Old 07-30-2008, 02:40 PM
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This just gets better and better, you already had opinions about my story. I promise you again afther this it will be better oh and the suite thingy, I meant suit. Also, when the robot kinda jacked into Fred, Fred is like the robot. The robot's system is based on the, what I call, master's interaction. So basicly it's just you, it feels just like you but you're just abit bigger and much more powerfull but thanks again (god I keep thanking you, your like my best buddy here already!)
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Old 07-30-2008, 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by eternitysoul View Post
oh ok, thanks anyways, I promise I will use the spell check button next time! sorry! I really hate the spell check button but if you say so...Thanks again, so I guess I'll wait for you to correct my errors and then I would start to discuss about it thanks!!

It takes time to provide a critique, time away from something, most likely. If you ask someone to devote that time (and you are by posting) then you should at least take your own time to run the piece through a spell checker. Mistakes will always appear, however when they become too prevalent it's easy for the reader to begin to imagine that the author wasn't very serious about the work. Such thoughts kill a motivation to critique.

You may hate the spell check button, but it's your friend. Be serious about your sentences. You should want them to live well on a page. If the title of your story isn't even spelled correctly, I think it'll be difficult to get very many busy people interested enough in your work to critique it. A little more effort on your part will go a long way toward eliciting more response.

Take a good look at Winterbite's suggestions. He was very gracious to give them. Run your piece through the filters he provides you, spell-check it, hell even run it though a grammar-checker. Revise. Pay attention to what you put down.

I look forward to seeing what you do with it in the future.
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Old 07-30-2008, 03:11 PM
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Thank you Glbren Easy on the new guy though, he's only been here one day, he'll get the hang of things eventually.

Also, when the robot kinda jacked into Fred, Fred is like the robot. The robot's system is based on the, what I call, master's interaction. So basicly it's just you, it feels just like you but you're just abit bigger and much more powerfull but thanks again (god I keep thanking you, your like my best buddy here already!)
I get the suit thing now. It's like a cyborg exoskeleton arrangement, eh? You don't have to keep on thanking me...as flattering as it is, I'm just doing what's been done for me! There are people on here who have been nice enough to go over my work and critique it, fix my mistakes, and help educate me in the art of writing (Thank you, QoW, Devon, HoiLei, and all you others who took time out for me), and I'm just passing on the tradition. In fact, critiqueing is in itself an education...sometimes you'll be fixing a person's mistake, and suddenly you'll think, "Uh-oh...my character did that in chapter four". You can learn alot from mistakes and successes alike.

Would you like me to give you the plot incongruencies and slips I noticed now, or would that be a bit overwhelming, given all the stuff I've just thrown at you?
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Old 07-30-2008, 03:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Winterbite View Post
Thank you Glbren Easy on the new guy though, he's only been here one day, he'll get the hang of things eventually.
I'm extremely sorry if I came across as abrupt or rash. It wasn't my intention to berate, only to urge more attention. Please don't take offense, M! Perhaps next time I'll wait till the baby stops crying before typing out my response!
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Old 07-30-2008, 04:45 PM
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Actually, I'm with you, glberen. All posters should run their work through a spell and grammar check before posting. Critiquing is time-consuming work without having to correct simple spelling mistakes, most of which would have been detected by a spellchecker. Personally, I used to note each one I came across when I was critiquing, but now I tend to limit myself to a general comment about numerous spelling/grammar errors. I simply haven't got the time to point them all out.
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Old 07-30-2008, 04:52 PM
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Put another vote in with Queen and Glberen's. I don't even have a spell-checker. I am what other people - who are slightly irritated by my insistence of correct spelling - call a "SPAG Nazi". I've never used a spell-checker ever. If a word is spelt wrong on a page, it has this uncanny way of immediately being drawn to my attention. I don't know why. That's why I can't really enjoy a story when I'm critiquing it - because my mind is focused on finding mistakes.

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Old 07-30-2008, 05:05 PM
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Man, I wish I'd thought of that before putting in all those spelling corrections. Damn, I should have copied and pasted into a word document and let it do the checking for me! I'm with Greg on not using the spell checker...if I spell a word wrong, I know it right away.
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Old 07-30-2008, 11:48 PM
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Guys, it's my first work, ok I admit I sorry but you guys don't need tosay anything anymore, I already get it when Winterbite told me something. If you want me to do a spell check first or check it nicely first, you can just tell me straight to point, don't need to say anything anymore now eh? ok, I will make it better, that was just and intro of an idea I had, I'm sorry, I will make it better. Thanks to winterbite for taking his time correcting it. Thanks for the tips and new words. Can I atleast have some enthusiasm to make me keep on going here?
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Old 07-31-2008, 02:03 AM
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The more you revise, the better your work will become. Do it often enough and the best in your piece will easily come through. Um . . . it's hard to be enthusiastic at six a.m.
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Old 07-31-2008, 05:21 AM
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Originally Posted by eternitysoul View Post
Can I atleast have some enthusiasm to make me keep on going here?
The criticisms weren't delivered to make you stop posting! Please don't. There's a great amount of enthusiasm here that is compelling and catching. Work to infect others with that. It's a good thing. I, for one, understand it's your first work and certain leeway should be allowed. If you work on it a bit, run it through a spell-checker for instance, and re-post as a revision, I'd be happy to give it a run-through. Remember that things said about a work are things said about a work, not about you. I look forward to reading how you employ the advice you've been given thus far!
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Old 07-31-2008, 05:38 AM
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Well, do run it through a spell checker, but don't rely on it. Especially grammar. There's one thing that really matters to me and irritates me the most about being wrong - grammar.

So check it yourself first, get someone else to check it, etc... that's for proper documents, of course, don't go through all that bother for posting, but check it yourself anyway.
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Old 07-31-2008, 07:28 AM
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My comments were certainly not intended to discourage you, eternitysoul. They were made in a general way and not specifically aimed at yourself; but it is advisable to polish your work as much as possible before posting.

At WB, members will offer critiques, but full on editing of spelling and grammar mistakes is a lot to ask of people who have their own writing to work on. We are not a group of editors in search of material, after all, but writers honing our craft. It is in this vein that your are asked to check your work before posting. Such a prepnderance of errors detracts from the actual story and makes it harder to offer a balanced critique.

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Old 08-01-2008, 09:59 AM
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so guys, I won't write again until I am back in Thailand. I'm going tomorrow but will arrive in Thailand on the third and I don't think I wirte right away so, I will fix it, promise and will make it much better. Thanks winterbite to correct and give me much better ideas to write and thanks to all of you that discussed and evaluated.
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