Originally Posted by inzombniac
Hello, friend. I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're in search of but as this is in non-fiction I assume it's very personal and I'm going to tread lightly.
Some of the line breaks confuse me a little;
Are these breaks intended to create a rhythm or meaning? If I'd read this in a book I'd have chalked it up to artistic license but since I have the opportunity to ask the writer, I'd like to know.
"funeral home" is a very abrupt change to a scene where no scenery had been actually portrayed previously.
a day for goodbye(s)
sister afraid to look in casket
"will you go with me?"
Anyone that's been to a funeral, especially of a loved one, can wholly relate to the drastic change in appearance. To see your own resemblance where none had been noted before is startling. Very powerful ending.
Thank you, Nick.
Any response is welcome, interesting and useful.
Tread as you will. The dead feel no pain, I assume, and I don't get offended.
Piece is three years old. I was new at composition then. Totally unschooled. Unless reading Bukowski counts as education. Wrote from the gut. Line breaks you show are to show all the space inside the author. Space that could not be worded.
I knew where he was. Had a phone number. Didn't dial.
You asked, inzombniac.
When we were all at the funeral home ( mother, brother and two sisters ) the night before the funeral, it was an abrupt change from him bein' alive in Pa. Me bein' alive in Fl.
Looks like I nailed that aspect in the poem. Never thought about it 'till you pointed that way. Thanks.
To be clear, I didn't go to the funeral.