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At the End

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Old 02-09-2011, 12:40 PM
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my father was usin'
a respirator

emphysema
lucky strikes
non filtered

don't know if it was
the push around kind
or
if
he was stuck in a bed

we'd had some bad times
between us
when I was younger

didn't feel like forgivin'
and
no one was askin'
for
forgiveness

he died

funeral home
sister afraid to look in casket
"will you go with me?"

we look in

in life everyone had said
my brother
looked just like him

now
embalmed
cold
my reflection
in 3D

with a moustache

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Old 02-13-2011, 04:14 PM
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Hello, friend. I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're in search of but as this is in non-fiction I assume it's very personal and I'm going to tread lightly.

Some of the line breaks confuse me a little;

don't know if it was
the push around kind
or
if
he was stuck in a bed
Are these breaks intended to create a rhythm or meaning? If I'd read this in a book I'd have chalked it up to artistic license but since I have the opportunity to ask the writer, I'd like to know.

funeral home
sister afraid to look in casket
"will you go with me?"
"funeral home" is a very abrupt change to a scene where no scenery had been actually portrayed previously.

a day for goodbye(s)
sister afraid to look in casket
"will you go with me?"



Anyone that's been to a funeral, especially of a loved one, can wholly relate to the drastic change in appearance. To see your own resemblance where none had been noted before is startling. Very powerful ending.

Thank you, Nick.
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Old 02-13-2011, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by inzombniac View Post
Hello, friend. I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're in search of but as this is in non-fiction I assume it's very personal and I'm going to tread lightly.

Some of the line breaks confuse me a little;



Are these breaks intended to create a rhythm or meaning? If I'd read this in a book I'd have chalked it up to artistic license but since I have the opportunity to ask the writer, I'd like to know.



"funeral home" is a very abrupt change to a scene where no scenery had been actually portrayed previously.

a day for goodbye(s)
sister afraid to look in casket
"will you go with me?"



Anyone that's been to a funeral, especially of a loved one, can wholly relate to the drastic change in appearance. To see your own resemblance where none had been noted before is startling. Very powerful ending.

Thank you, Nick.
Any response is welcome, interesting and useful.

Tread as you will. The dead feel no pain, I assume, and I don't get offended.

Piece is three years old. I was new at composition then. Totally unschooled. Unless reading Bukowski counts as education. Wrote from the gut. Line breaks you show are to show all the space inside the author. Space that could not be worded.
I knew where he was. Had a phone number. Didn't dial.
You asked, inzombniac.

When we were all at the funeral home ( mother, brother and two sisters ) the night before the funeral, it was an abrupt change from him bein' alive in Pa. Me bein' alive in Fl.

Looks like I nailed that aspect in the poem. Never thought about it 'till you pointed that way. Thanks.

To be clear, I didn't go to the funeral.
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Old 02-13-2011, 05:16 PM
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I am sorry to hear that. The space/distance is well played in the line breaks, then. I can appreciate that. Thank you again for sharing.
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