WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Too Much Eyeliner

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 02-01-2011, 07:49 AM
inzombniac's Avatar
inzombniac (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Still moving
Posts: 51
Thanks: 6
Thanks 6
Default Too Much Eyeliner


Please rip this apart and help me patch it back together. Thank you for taking the time.

---

Confrontation
was nothing short of improbable,
Arguably
she had the right to protest.
Doubting
it was not the problem,
Fear
of dissension kept her quiet.
Blackening
eyes her way was painful,
Blackening
them his way was worse.

__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

mmmm... sleep

Last edited by inzombniac; 02-01-2011 at 08:15 AM.. Reason: Forgot to follow directions.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-01-2011, 09:59 AM
flavorthefaith's Avatar
flavorthefaith (Offline)
Scribbler
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 26
Thanks: 7
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

I really love this! It's got a great beat to it. I love it
__________________
"Well... you could do that. Yeah, you could do that. Of course you could! But why? Look at these people, these human beings. Consider their potential! From the day they arrive on the planet, blinking, step into the sun, there is more to see than can ever be seen, more to do thanó no, hold on. Sorry, that's The Lion King. But the point still stands: Leave them alone!" The Doctor
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to flavorthefaith For This Useful Post:
inzombniac (02-13-2011)
  #3  
Old 02-01-2011, 11:00 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,488
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,379
Default

The title drew me. Now I've read it.

I see the message. It seems the shoes are on the wrong feet. Makes it move awkward.

Is this near your impression of what could be redressed?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-01-2011, 09:09 PM
inzombniac's Avatar
inzombniac (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Still moving
Posts: 51
Thanks: 6
Thanks 6
Default

Thank you flavor and Nick.

Nick, how do you feel it could move less awkwardly? Any suggestions?
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

mmmm... sleep
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-02-2011, 02:36 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,488
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,379
Default

It isn't fear of dissension that keeps her quiet. It is fear of the reaction to dissension i.e. knuckle eye shadowing, that zips the lips.
The line is inaccurate, no?

Okay, I've reread this innumerable times, inz.
I think I have grasped your pov on the syntax structure now.
The interpretation is there. It takes a lot of work for the common mind of me to see it.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-02-2011, 02:39 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,488
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,379
Default

Read it again. It is wiggly in its clarity even when I know what I am looking for.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-03-2011, 08:21 AM
inzombniac's Avatar
inzombniac (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Still moving
Posts: 51
Thanks: 6
Thanks 6
Default

Thank you, Nick, I appreciate it! I'll rework it a little and see if I can get the message to be a little more clear.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

mmmm... sleep
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-03-2011, 08:25 AM
Redlorry
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Arghhh, you've obviously edited the original in the same post so I can't see how the poem has changed. I like it when I can see al versions to see how thay have grown.

I would have liked to have seen the first version because it looks as if the comparison of make up and wounds was much broader, I like the concept a lot.

A very hard hitting (no pun intended) tightly written piece.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 02-03-2011, 12:15 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,488
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,379
Default

Red, that is the original post. Check the dates and times at page top and next to edit.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 02-03-2011, 12:20 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,488
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,379
Default

Originally Posted by inzombniac View Post
Please rip this apart and help me patch it back together. Thank you for taking the time.

---

Confrontation
was nothing short of improbable,
Arguably
she had the right to protest.
Doubting
it was not the problem,
Fear
of dissension kept her quiet.
Blackening
eyes her way was painful,
Blackening
them his way was worse.
'Fear of dissension kept her quiet'. It isn't fear of dissension, it is fear of dissensions cost, right?
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 02-13-2011, 02:26 PM
inzombniac's Avatar
inzombniac (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Still moving
Posts: 51
Thanks: 6
Thanks 6
Default

Sorry, been away. It is the fear of dissension's cost but do you feel like stating it's the cost of the dissension is reiterating the point the poem is conveying?

Redlorry, sorry - the edit was just me adding a preamble to the poem and asking for hard-hitting () critiques.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

mmmm... sleep
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 02-13-2011, 03:12 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,488
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,379
Default

Originally Posted by inzombniac View Post
do you feel like stating it's the cost of the dissension is reiterating the point the poem is conveying?
I am showing the obliqueness that your line construction presents to a mind common as mine.

Others will read this and love it. Is about giving voice for a silently sufferring abused woman.

Perhaps that is all that is required.

Example of indefiniteness in poem;
Blackening
eyes her way as painful,
Blackening
them his way was worse

Am I to assume 'her way was painful' is because she is applying mascara to previously pummeled places?

The last two lines muddy such an interpretation. For me.

I am interested in Redlorries upcoming comments.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
All Dressed In White Animelover3994 Fiction 4 10-31-2007 06:41 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 01:13 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.