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Tinmen Part 14 (Adult language and themes, violence)

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Old 02-18-2013, 05:37 AM
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Icon1 Tinmen Part 14 (Adult language and themes, violence)


This is a science fiction romance. There is adult language and themes. IF I include a love scene, it will likely be alluded to when posted here, but edited out, and I may decide to post just the deleted scene in the Adult Content forum.

Roughly 1,500 words

Part 1 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43517
Part 2 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43518
Part 3 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43529
Part 4 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43673
Part 5 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43713
Part 6 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43797
Part 7 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43840
Part 8 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43883
Part 9 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43943
Part 10 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43964
Part 11 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=44002
Part 12 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=44042
Part 13 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=44143

____ In part 1: We were 'introduced' to a cyborg, who does not know who he was/is. We also met a lab technician named Kat who was working on him. As well as another man named Jack, who is Kat's significant other.
____ In part 2: Kat discovers that the cyborg is not like other cyborgs and could be one of the first successful attempts at creating cyborgs. We also meet ex-Warrant Officer Maximilian Smeede.
____ In part 3: After trying to render the cyborg harmless, we learn that he will die if he is not returned to the dangerous armor, but it is decided that he will be left to die.
____ In part 4: The base has been attacked, Kat and others taken away as prisoners and Jack puts the cyborg back into his armor, before Jack dies.
____ In part 5: Our cyborg infiltrates an enemy base and finds an ally.
____ In part 6: Our cyborg learns his name, and rescues members of the resistance, including Kat, but is once again in the hands of the UANM.
____ In part 7: Our cyborg discovers there are infiltrator cyborgs, humans who do not look like they have been altered and are autonomous. While trying to get intel on these new cyborgs, our cyborg (hereafter called Brags) is discovered by the UANM.
____ In part 8: Brags is welcomed back into the UANM, learns a little more about who he was. Warner is captured by the UANM.
____ In part 9: Brags rescues Warner.
____ In part 10: Brags finds the resistance and discovers Kat thinks he's a traitor.
____ In part 11: The resistance decides to make a cyborg, against Warner and Kat's protests. The UANM is tracking the resistance. Brags shows Kat the last moments of Jack's life.
____ In part 12: Brags recovers the rest of his memories.
____ In part 13: Brags has a meltdown. It is decided that Warner will take the cyborg armor. Brags and Warner will attempt to sabotage the UANM cyborgs.


____ Kat's eyes kept drifting away from Warner, General Markum and the others, finding their way to Brags. Except for the web of silver that shown on the sides of his face, neck and arms, he looked normal, like any other garrisoned Marine. His hair was cut high and tight, his utility uniform was pressed and creased, though his sleeves were rolled up, showing off his thick arms.
____ As far as she knew, he had looked at her once, meeting her eyes for only a moment when he had come in. It stung and Kat chided herself over it, reminding herself that she had no interest in a cyborg that was almost twenty years her senior, even if he didn't look it. The reminder did not last long though. When Warner shifted from an overview presentation to discussing details and the kind of information they would need to carry out this crazy idea, Kat moved around the group until she was standing next to Brags.
____ “This was your idea, wasn't it?” she kept her voice down.
____ “Yes. Does that matter?” Brags waited for the recriminations to start.
____ “I guess not. Are you going to get him killed?”
____ “Not if I can help it.”
____ “What makes you think you can get into Trident Corp and get back out?”
____ “Trident Corp?” Brags frowned and turned his head to look at Kat.
____ Kat looked away from those golden eyes, “I see the two of you discussed this thing in depth,” she snorted softly. “If you hit one of the bases, one of the UANM mainframes, you might get ten thousand cyborgs, but if you hit Trident Corp's mainframe you can get them all by using their patch release system.”
____ Brags looked at Warner, the timing perfect, to hear the smaller man launch into explaining the very thing Kat had just mentioned. “Shit.”
____ “Yeah. Two cyborgs wandering around a military base would go unnoticed, but in Trident Corp? Sure, they have cyborgs, they even have armed cyborgs, but there aren't as many and they aren't moving around to different posts much.”
____ “Shit.”
____ “Can you do it? Or did this just become a suicide mission with no hope of success?”
____ “If I can't do it, I'll say so. I won't start this if I don't think I can finish it. Don't worry about him, I'll keep him safe,” Brags looked less than pleased about the revelation.
____ “Keep both of you safe.”
____ “I didn't know you cared,” he frowned at the touch of bitterness he heard in his own voice.
____ “I was wrong about you. I'm sorry. Warner explained... about your primary fuel cells, the system shutdown, your secondary fuel cells, extended life support, all that. I get it. We both thought you were dying.”
____ Brags was silent for several moments, “Yeah, he explained to me too, how you were poking around in my brain and stimulated something, something that made me think that I...” he shrugged, “... that I wanted you.”
____ “So... you don't now,” Kat was torn between wanting to be wanted and not wanting to be wanted by a cyborg. She was beginning to think he would not reply to her when he let out a heavy breath and spoke.
____ “You want me to lie to you?”
____ Her jaw moved a few times before she answered, “No,” she barely put breath to the word.
____ “Then don't ask me that question,” Brags stepped around behind her to her other side, “Not unless you want to hear me tell you that I want you,” he moved away from her, closer to the discussion between Warner and the commanders.
____ Kat watched him go, unable to deny the flutter in her belly, or the warmth that spread through her as she stared at his broad back. “Dear God, I need to get laid,” she whispered to herself, then she flushed a deep crimson when Brags met her gaze and raised an eyebrow at her, before he turned back to the discussion. She had forgotten about his enhanced hearing and wanted to slink from the room, mortified that he had heard her.



____ Warner was recovering from his surgery, the new modules in place. It was the bare minimum he would need to operate the armor, and interface with up-links, but they decided against the longer recovery time it would take for him to be fully augmented. He would not have the extra strength, enhanced senses, or environmental protections that all armored cyborgs had.
____ Kat monitored Warner closely for infection, rejection and, of course, for signs that he was not mentally handling the new wetchips. She wasn't the only concerned party. Brags was always in Warner's room when she came to check on him.
____ Another planning session had concluded, Brags, Warner and a few others had gone over the new information they had received. Now Warner slept and Brags sat in a chair, lost in his own thoughts while she puttered around the room. She hadn't really been aware of what she was doing until Brags spoke.
____ “I think his covers are well and truly tucked in, since that is the third time you've done it,” one corner of his mouth was lifted in an amused half smile.
____ “Oh,” Kat brushed a hand through her hair, “right. I'm a little distracted.”
____ “I meant it, Kat.”
____ Her heart tripped over a few beats and she met his eyes.
____ “I won't do this if I don't think he'll survive.”
____ “That. Yes, I know,” she inwardly frowned at her disappointment that Brags had been thinking about the mission and not her.
____ “That's not what has you distracted?” his expression earnest.
____ Kat was unsure of what she wanted anymore. The more she was around Brags, the weaker her objections felt. The past two weeks of listening to him and the others talk had left her wanting to be around him more. She still wasn't ready to toss her concerns aside completely, but she mustered her courage and looked him in the eyes, “I'm not looking for a relationship, so could we just have sex?”
____ Stunned, Brags just stared at her.
____ Kat turned away, “That's cool. I understand,” she felt the sting of rejection, but was trying to act like it didn't matter.
____ “No, Kat, I...”
____ She didn't want to hear him say it, so she left the room quickly, talking over him, “I said it was cool. Okay?” Reaching her quarters, she flung the door closed behind her, but didn't hear it slam shut. Turning around to take out her pain on the door, Kat froze in place. Brags was standing in her doorway.
____ “You didn't let me finish.”
____ “You don't have to explain,” she put her back to him.
____ “Yes,” she heard him close her door, “I do.”
____ Kat didn't move a muscle as she felt him move up behind her, feeling the warmth radiating from his body.
____ “I want you,” Brags said quietly as his hands came up to rest on her hips. “I want more than this,” he gently pulled their bodies together, “Is there a chance for that? For more?”
____ “I don't know,” she leaned back against his chest, her head resting against his sternum, “I don't know much of anything anymore.”
____ “Kat,” he lowered his head beside hers, “am I a man to you, or a machine?”
____ She heard the way his voice shook and it made her hurt for him. Turning around to face him, Kat touched the side of his face, cupping his cheek, “You're a man, with machine parts, but still a man.” saying the words aloud changed something for her. Looking into his eyes, seeing how her words effected him, changed something in her.
____ “May I kiss you?” he whispered.
____ Tears sprang to her eyes and she nodded, then smiled, “You'd better do more than just kiss me. I don't think I could take a kiss and run.”
____ Brags chuckled quietly, “This is were I should pretend that I wasn't hoping for a lot more, huh?”
____ A little laugh escaped her lips, “Well, I did proposition you, so I think we can do away with the pretenses.”
____ “Good,” he brushed his lips against hers, “I'm more of a direct approach guy anyway,” he claimed her lips tenderly, but quickly built into a hunger as she responded with passion. Brags slid a hand into her silky hair and tilted her head to give him free access to her neck.
____ Her voice came out as a purr, “How's your power level?”
____ It jolted him from the moment, her question reminding him that he was a cyborg. He frowned at her a little, “It's fine.”
____ “Oh,” she chuckled consolingly, “I'm sorry. I was going to make a joke... about you needing to be fully charged in order to meet my needs,” she bit her lip and held it, hoping she had not hurt him.
____ Brags snorted in humor, “I see,” he nodded then grinned, “Should we have Warner rig up an extension cord for me?”
____ “Naw, we'd only get tangled up in it,” Kat smiled brightly, “Unless you want me to tie you up with it?”
____ “Kinky,” he dipped down and nipped her neck, “We can discuss bondage later.” Brags reached down and grabbed her bottom lifting her up then pulling her legs around his waist as he moved to her bed and lay them down upon it.


~*~*~*~

On a personal note:
I have been reluctant to post this part of the story for two reasons. One, it is the last of it that I have written and two, because I am not sure I want to keep this part of the story.
Now is not the time for me to decide or try to write more as I have been having a little bout of insomnia and am not at my mental best... such as that is. This is also why I have not been reviewing other people's work lately. It would be unfair of me to review something if I am not able to give it the scrutiny it deserves.
Hopefully I will sleep more soon and get back at both writing and reviewing.

MM

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which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail
to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is
contempt prior to investigation." — Herbert Spencer

Last edited by MightieMousie; 02-26-2013 at 06:44 AM..
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Old 02-19-2013, 06:48 PM
Rooster Smith (Offline)
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Kat's eyes kept drifting away from Warner, General Markum and the others, finding their way to Brags. Except for the web of silver that shown on the sides of his face, neck and arms, he looked normal, like any other garrisoned Marine. His hair was cut high and tight, his utility uniform was pressed and creased, though his sleeves were rolled up, showing off his thick arms.

Just a thought on jamming description into the narrative without making it obvious, how about this instead:



Left some stuff out for the sake making the story more fluid. And I don't think the word marines is supposed to be capitalized. Not sure.

____ As far as she knew, he had looked at her once, meeting her eyes for only a moment when he had come in. It stung and Kat chided herself over it, reminding herself that she had no interest in a cyborg that was almost twenty years her senior, even if he didn't look it. The reminder did not last long though. When Warner shifted from an overview presentation to discussing details and the kind of information they would need to carry out this crazy idea, Kat moved around the group until she was standing next to Brags.



____ “Yeah. Two cyborgs wandering around a military base would go unnoticed, but in Trident Corp? Sure, they have cyborgs, they even have armed cyborgs, but there aren't as many and they aren't moving around to different posts much.”
____ “Shit.”
____ “Can you do it? Or did this just become a suicide mission with no hope of success?”
The answer is yes to both those things.

____ Kat watched him go, unable to deny the flutter in her belly, or the warmth that spread through her as she stared at his broad back. “Dear God, I need to get laid,” she whispered to herself, then she flushed a deep crimson when Brags met her gaze and raised an eyebrow at her, before he turned back to the discussion. She had forgotten about his enhanced hearing and wanted to slink from the room, mortified that he had heard her.

Ha! Tilted your hand!




____ Tears sprang to her eyes and she nodded, then smiled, “You'd better do more than just kiss me. I don't think I could take a kiss and run.”
____ Brags chuckled quietly,Chuckling quietly is the least sexiest reaction to that I could have thought of. I think you could do away with all the dialouge up until the "I'm more of a direct approach kind of guy ... “This is were I should pretend that I wasn't hoping for a lot more, huh?”

____ “Oh,” she chuckled consolingly, “I'm sorry. I was going to make a joke... about you needing to be fully charged in order to meet my needs,” she bit her lip and held it, hoping she had not hurt him.no no no no ... horrible line.


On a personal note:
I have been reluctant to post this part of the story for two reasons. One, it is the last of it that I have written and two, because I am not sure I want to keep this part of the story.
Now is not the time for me to decide or try to write more as I have been having a little bout of insomnia and am not at my mental best... such as that is. This is also why I have not been reviewing other people's work lately. It would be unfair of me to review something if I am not able to give it the scrutiny it deserves.
Hopefully I will sleep more soon and get back at both writing and reviewing.
sorry to hear about that. Just work on getting better and cme back to writing and reviewing when you get there.
MM


***

I really liked this piece up until that awful romantic moment. It was like watching Woody Allen getting it on with another Woody Allen. Two Woody Allens!

this is gonna sound really crude, but it's also really good advice, I think. They should just shut up and fuck.

Just shut up and fuck.

The difference between a four star piece and a three.

but the positives were the "I need to get laid line." Saw some good description leading up to that. And their conversation before it all turned south was cool. The dyamic of Kat and Brags has always been the stregnth of this piece.
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Old 02-20-2013, 05:53 AM
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Sorry to disappoint.
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to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is
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Old 02-20-2013, 04:31 PM
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Nah, not at all. It's been a great series so far.

I know insomnia isn't easy to deal with it. And this piece wasn't awful, just that one scene.

Chin up, your worst beats my best every day of the week ...
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Old 02-21-2013, 05:39 AM
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It would be a shame if you quite writing. You are an excellent writer and seem to be quite prolific, too. Science fiction is not my thing but you obviously have knack for it.
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Old 02-26-2013, 06:53 AM
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Okay... I have slept, have reread this installment and aside from battling a slight headache, I am up and ready to go again!

I like the scene and I am keeping it, as is... though I would like to hear from the female contingent on what they think of this scene.
Let's face it, males and females have different takes on what is romantic and since males are not my target audience... well... no offense, but I want another woman's perspective.
For me humor is romantic and laughter during intimate moments is one of the greatest things in life.

Thank you Rooster and oldron for you input!

MM
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