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Rumination

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  #1  
Old 06-30-2017, 06:29 AM
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Default Rumination


Sometimes I forget
you’re not here.

I feel your presence in the next
room, animus radiating.

And disturbed
by your atonal song, I look up
from a borrowed novel
to an endless afternoon—the blur

of cold sun, a dying ember
on inverted
fields of gray.

So these hours fall—
drifting
like ash toward night.

The long shadow of your
wicker throne inches
toward the threshold
but never passes

and for a moment, I’m convinced
you didn’t leave, that I never burned
your apologies

or boxed your keepsakes or draped
your clothes on the iron gate.

No memory
from the lumbering train
of days, the nights
of automatic
passion in the room we shared

can exorcise
your determined spirit—the one who lies
exquisitely and speaks
of forgiveness,

the false angel who tongues
my ear and whispers sweetly,

we must be together

always

and always the fool, I long
to hear the sliding bolt
and cautious click
as you insert your key
in my door.


Last edited by Myers; 06-30-2017 at 06:35 AM..
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  #2  
Old 06-30-2017, 07:27 AM
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Some effective imagery here, like the 'lumbering train of days'.

'automatic passion' sounds rather oxymoronic to me.

I feel that maybe there are some redundant words/lines, like the bit about 'your determined spirit' - that quality in the addressee comes through strongly without your having to state it. Just my thoughts.

Anyway, nice poem.
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Old 07-01-2017, 02:14 PM
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This is lovely.

Really captures that feeling of new emptiness when a partner has vacated, but their energy still lingers.

Particularly love 4,5 and 6 - beautiful lines.

"animus radiating" - my reflex is to transpose those words so 'room' and 'radiating' are side by side for roundness of tone.

"automatic" - slightly ambiguous. D'you mean it was perfunctory passion?
or the physical desire was so strong it was an animal passion?

Beautifully done - even the structure has a faltering, wistful unwind to it.
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Old 07-04-2017, 06:21 AM
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Leila -- thanks for reading. Automatic passion is an intentional oxymoron, I suppose, meaning it just got to the point where it was superficial and by rote -- or perfunctory as Grace said.

I could see just going with spirit and losing the adjective. The context is probably sufficient. Look for others I could cut and didn't really see any.

Glad it mostly worked for you.

Grace -- Thanks for the read and glad you like it -- "automatic passion" see above.

Cheers y'all.
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Old 07-04-2017, 06:59 AM
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Myers, this might make sense or be totally off the mark but I feel compelled to ask.

Are you JoeMatt?
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Old 07-04-2017, 07:04 AM
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Yep -- that's already been discovered...

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Old 07-04-2017, 04:27 PM
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Personally I don't think the short stanzas work for this piece because it makes it too snappy for the reader when I feel you should looking to make the reader ponder and explore the loneliness. Gets too close to cliché in a couple of places but good work.


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Old 07-09-2017, 03:29 PM
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I sent you my thoughts. I really like the poem! Line length, pacing and imagery were fantastic! Great work!
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