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Drip Drop

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  #1  
Old 11-24-2008, 11:13 PM
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Everything is moving, sometimes it moves so slowly that it is almost not noticed. If enough time passes by these events slowly cascade into something more, something beautiful. Water builds around the ring of the faucet, slowly being added by a never ending supply being fed one drop at a time. Who knows how this chain of events started, perhaps some foolish nobody forgot to turn the handle all they way to a locked position allowing a small stream of this liquid entertainment to drip out for hours at a time. Perhaps someone who was too busy that they didnít realize that they had installed the pipes incorrectly, ignorantly forgetting their present for dreams of their future. Nevertheless it doesnít matter how this all started, the show has begun and it would be foolish to stop it at this point, missing the coming attractions. The drop has become larger now, still no bigger than the body of a daddy long leg, it is not the size that draws attention but the shape, the texture, the disregard of gravity itself. This captivating little drip draws the eye in with its translucent coat, in fact if one was not looking for it one may even glance right by it. The texture of this odd little drip of mysticism matches that of nothing else, it ripples and juts astatically and yet at the exact same time looks soft and inviting. One does not dare touch; however, for fear of breaking this building block of innocence. It hangs off the faucet and looks awkward, as though it should fall and yet is clinging to the metal ring with all of its might. Slowly it grows and with each drop added to it, it ripples and changes and begins to lose the fight against gravity.

It is no longer a drop but a flowing moving being. Every millisecond this blob changes shape like jell-0 in an earthquake. It moves as if it is still trying to fight gravity, in slow motion it rushes towards the ground which draws ever closer. It gains momentum and one begins to feel bad for this drip. Did it choose to be in this position? No, it was put in this set of motions due to the carelessness of man.

The reason no longer matters, as this drip of unimportance makes haste of its trip to the world below. The light reflects off of the water and it gleams brilliance; it is a diamond floating in suspension as the world travels around it. For a moment everything is still, the beating of a heart is all you can hear, with every pulse the space between the ground and the drop become even more finite.
The drop hitís the metal surface below and splits into tiny little fragments shooting like stars across a clear sky. The light reflects of off every little dot and it is as if there is a fire works show in the bottom of the sink in a lowly restaurant where nothing ever important happens.
All of this happens in an instant, the water reforms and falls down the drain, eradicating all evidence of the miracle that just occurred. The same foolish nobody who forgot to turn the handle looks with disappointment at the cold metal surface that was once his only entertainment. His eyes move to the faucet as water builds around the ring.

C&C Please on this short piece.

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  #2  
Old 12-03-2008, 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Mortimer View Post
Everything is moving, sometimes it moves so slowly that it is almost not noticed (maybe unnoticed would be a better word here, unless you like the visual beat of not-not). If enough time passes by these events slowly cascade into something more, something beautiful. Water builds around the ring of the faucet, slowly being added by a never ending supply being fed one drop at a time.

Who knows how this chain of events started, perhaps some foolish nobody forgot to turn the handle all the way to a locked position; allowing a small stream of this liquid entertainment to drip out for hours at a time. Perhaps someone who was too busy that they didn’t realize that they had installed the pipes incorrectly; ignorantly forgetting their present for dreams of their future.

Nevertheless it doesn’t matter how this all started. The show has begun and it would be foolish to stop it at this point, missing the coming attractions. The drop has become larger now, still no bigger than the body of a daddy long leg, it is not the size that draws attention but the shape, the texture, the disregard of gravity itself. This captivating little drip draws the eye in with its translucent coat, in fact if one was not looking for it one may even glance right by it. The texture of this odd little drip of mysticism matches that of nothing else, it ripples and juts astatically and yet at the exact same time looks soft and inviting. One does not dare touch; however, for fear of breaking this building block of innocence. It hangs off the faucet and looks awkward, as though it should fall and yet is clinging to the metal ring with all of its might. Slowly it grows and with each drop added to it, it ripples and changes and begins to lose the fight against gravity.

It is no longer a drop but a flowing moving being. Every millisecond this blob changes shape like jell-0 in an earthquake. It moves as if it is still trying to fight gravity, in slow motion it rushes towards the ground which draws ever closer. It gains momentum and one begins to feel bad for this drip. Did it choose to be in this position? No, it was put in this set of motions due to the carelessness of man.

The reason no longer matters, as this drip of unimportance makes haste of its trip to the world below. The light reflects off of the water and it gleams brilliance; it is a diamond floating in suspension as the world travels around it. For a moment everything is still, the beating of a heart is all you can hear, with every pulse the space between the ground and the drop become even more finite.

The drop hit’s the metal surface below and splits into tiny little fragments shooting like stars across a clear sky. The light reflects of off every little dot and it is as if there is a fire works show in the bottom of the sink in a lowly restaurant where nothing ever important happens. (I'm thinking that maybe it should read important ever...)

All of this happens in an instant, the water reforms and falls down the drain, eradicating all evidence of the miracle that just occurred. The same foolish nobody who forgot to turn the handle looks with disappointment at the cold metal surface that was once his only entertainment. His eyes move to the faucet as water builds around the ring.

C&C Please on this short piece.
I don't think that this was meant to be poetry, but I could not help but be drawn into the almost hypnotic beatnik rhythm of it. Very good. I really enjoyed it. All I would suggest is a few more paragraph breaks and some SPAG... but I'm not a master, so do what you feel works best.
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Last edited by Nemesis; 12-04-2008 at 12:37 PM.. Reason: because I am me
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  #3  
Old 12-04-2008, 09:48 AM
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Thank you very much for critiquing my piece.
I really do appreciate your opinion, and I'll look into changing what you suggested.

I don't mean to write in a poetic way, it just comes off that way. It's a curse.
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  #4  
Old 12-07-2008, 10:32 AM
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Mortimer,

I liked the descriptive nature of the work, and I'd like to know more about the locale - lowly restaurant, or the character, "foolish nobody".

One note, you wrote, "Perhaps someone who was too busy that they didn’t realize that they had installed the pipes incorrectly, ignorantly forgetting their present for dreams of their future." Imho, this line broke up the feel to me, stopped me and made me re-read it. I would change or at least drop after the comma.

Cheers,
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  #5  
Old 12-28-2008, 11:30 AM
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I'm going to focus mostly on the grammatical problems, because the writing itself is lovely.

Originally Posted by Mortimer View Post
Everything is moving, Sentence break here, either start a new one or use a semicolon - I think it would be more dramatic with a period, though. sometimes it moves so slowly that it is almost not noticed. If enough time passes by Comma. these events slowly cascade into something more, An ellipse (...) would give more of a pause here. something beautiful.

Water builds around the ring of the faucet, slowly being added by a never ending supply being fed one drop at a time."...being fed one drop at a time by an endless supply" sounds a lot less messy. 'One drop at a time' already tells us that it was 'slowly'. Who knows how this chain of events started? Sentence break. Perhaps some foolish nobody How about just 'fool'? forgot to turn the handle all they way to a locked position, thus allowing a small stream of this liquid entertainment I can only speak for myself, but in my opinion this only works if the meaning of 'entertain' is changed to mean 'annoy the hell out of'. to drip out for hours at a time. Perhaps someone who was too busy that they didn’t to realize that they had installed the pipes incorrectly, ignorantly forgetting (or ignoring) their present for dreams of their future. Nevertheless, Comma. it doesn’t matter how this all started; Semicolon the show has begun. Sentence break and It would be foolish to stop it at this point (Or 'now') , missing and miss the coming attractions. The drop has become larger now, although still no bigger than the body of a daddy-long-legs. It is not the size that draws attention but the shape, the texture, the way it disregards of gravity itself. This captivating little drip draws the eye in with its translucent coat (?). In fact, Comma if one was not looking for it, he or she might not even see it. The texture of this odd little You used 'little' just a sentence ago. drip of mysticism It's not made of mysticism. It's made of water. It may be mystic, but it's not of mysticism. matches that of nothing else; Semicolon it ripples and juts astatically aesthetically...I know, tricky word. and yet at the exact same time looks soft and inviting. One does not dare touch it, however, for fear of breaking this building block of innocence. It's innocent now? Why? It hangs off the faucet and looking awkward, as though it should fall...and yet it clings to the metal ring with all of its might. Slowly, Comma. it grows; and with each drop added to it, it ripples and changes and begins to lose the fight against gravity.

It is no longer a drop but a flowing, Comma. moving being. Every millisecond, Comma. this blob changes shape like Jell-0 in an earthquake. Ha! Nice image. Can't say I've ever seen Jell-O in an earthquake, but I can imagine it'd be pretty strange. It moves as if it is still trying to fight gravity. In slow motion, it rushes towards the ground which draws ever closer. If it's rushing towards the ground, it's fairly safe to assume that the ground is drawing closer. It gains momentum and one begins would begin - 'begins' implies that there is one there TO feel sorry for it, which there isn't. to feel bad sorry for this drip. Did it choose to be in this position? No; Semicolon. it was put in this set of motions due to the carelessness of man.

The reason no longer matters, as this drip of unimportance Wow, now it's made out of unimportance, too! What have I been drinking?? makes haste of its trip hastens to the world below. The light reflects off of the gleaming water and it gleams brilliance; it is a diamond floating in suspension as the world travels around it. Nice description, but what's the diamond? This makes it sound as if the light is the diamond...and 'water' couldn't be referred to as a diamond - diamonds, yes. Singular, no. For a moment everything is still; Semicolon. the beating of a heart Whose heart? Do drops of water have hearts? I'll never drink again. is all you can hear. With every pulse, Comma. the space between the ground and the drop become even more finite. 'Finite' means 'having a limited amount of life'. I don't think the space is finite - I think it just grows smaller.
The drop hit’s hits the metal surface below It's not below any more, is it? and splits into tiny little fragments that shoot shooting like stars across a clear sky. The light reflects of off every little dot and it is as if there is a creating a fireworks show in the bottom of the sink in this lowly restaurant. where nothing ever important happens. Unnecessary. 'Lowly' already connotes that.
All of this happens in an instant. The water reforms and falls down the drain, eradicating all evidence of the miracle that just occurred. The same foolish nobody who forgot to turn the handle looks with disappointment at the cold metal surface that was once his only entertainment. The metal surface wasn't his entertainment. The drop of water was. His eyes move to the faucet as water builds around the ring. So there is a person watching! In that case, he didn't forget to turn it off - he left it on purpose. You'd probably want to mention the existence of a watcher sooner, like in the beginning...replacing all the 'one's with 'he' or 'the watcher'...something like that.

C&C Please on this short piece.

It's amazing how really happens in a seemingly insignificant action! You really do a good job in capturing every little detail of the faucet drip. Most people would just pass by a day-to-day occurence like this, not thinking about what's really happening.

Maybe you could write a sequel..."The Strange Drippy Noise Coming From Your Furnace Vents - The Real Story".

NightW
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Old 12-28-2008, 12:11 PM
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I liked how you were zooming into a moment in slow motion, and then suddenly bringing it back out and into the real world. It was very nice, and actually made me reflect on a lot of things that go by unnoticed. Inspiring! The only thing that urked me a bit was the use of the word "nobody," but then, what other word could you use right?
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Old 01-01-2009, 06:09 PM
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I appreciate all of the comments so much. You guys don't even understand how much these mean to me. I grow up in a place where approval for writing is far and few. This positive reaction makes me honestly warm inside.

[Quote = NightW]
Maybe you could write a sequel..."The Strange Drippy Noise Coming From Your Furnace Vents - The Real Story".
[/quote]

Haha, such a good noise.
After writing this I've been noticing a lot of other similar occurrences. Like hanging a mop over a metallic sink and watching the drips flow into the sink, reflecting off the light, looks like lava.

Or how little fragments of ice get stuck on my windshield, just enough to catch the light and create a spectrum of colors, just for me.
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Old 01-01-2009, 06:22 PM
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How about the way the water always swirls counter-clockwise in the water fountain? Or is that clockwise...
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Old 01-02-2009, 02:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Night Wanderer View Post
How about the way the water always swirls counter-clockwise in the water fountain? Or is that clockwise...
Doesn't it depend what hemisphere you're in?
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Old 01-02-2009, 01:55 PM
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I was standing on the Equator when I said that - no wonder I was confused!
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