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Old 08-14-2006, 07:21 AM
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Horror


Intro

Before I start my story, I am going to tell you a bit about the setting of the story.
Mass Rapid Transit- also known as. MRT It is a fast mode of transport in the busy city of Singapore.

Begin

“This way, madam.” Footsteps echo audibly in the long deserted corridor.
Click.
Light streamed in; surrounding the whole room,reflecting a bed, a window and four bare walls.
“How are you?”
There is a pleasant ring in the voice lightening the dark moody room.

I stared out at the window spacey, there are plants dotted along the walkway with occasional moving creatures on the lane.

“Sigh. If you have not gone out on that day, if you have not board that train… You will never be trapped in this room.”

The story
Sunday is a fine day to go shopping and gathering with friends.
My friend and I had a fabulous day of sitting in the fast restaurant chatting, drooling at guys.

We decided to have dinner at home, I bid goodbye to her and little did I know that will be the last time I will be seeing her.

I am so stupid. I am so so stupid.
I should not have got off the first train to check the train route.
I should never sit MRT that day at all.

After ensuring I am on the right route, I boarded the next arrived train and continued my journey towards home.

I plugged in my Mp3 tuning up the volume to max.

It is 6.30pm; floods of people were rushing home at this time.
I felt that the people in the train are sardines in a tin can with the automatic door as the only opening.

I scanned around the train, to see a child spinning round and round the gripping pole. A few lovely-dopey couples are whispering sweet words into each other’s ears, hugging snuggly.
Shopping bags are scattered in a tiny circles around the train as shoppers resting their arms from the day’s earned prize.
A handful of people looked tired and irrated from their’s day work.
Overall, the train is in a homely happy mood.

Out of habit, I looked out at the train’s window.
Looking at my plump reflection in the underground tunnel, I was thinking how contrast I looked with the tall, slim girl next to me.

“Cracked!”

At first, I thought there is something wrong with my Mp3.
So I fished it out from my pocket, changing to the next track while reminding myself to delete the spoiled song.

“CRACK!” I look down and noticed thin faint lines formed under my legs.
I look up.
Nobody seems to pay attention to the loud repeated cracking sound.
I began o trace the faint lines, more cracking sounds started to travel into my ears.
The metal floor gave way, screams shot rang through the air.

I managed not to scream but little children fall, they screamed of pain from the cuts that they get from the metal bits on the train track.

The train comes to a screeching stop.

I have never really understand the word ‘chaos‘, this incident explains in detail of the word “chaos’.
The whole stretch of floor was crumpled into bits of metal on the train track, lots of blood were painted on the floor.
Those who fell were being pulled up by strangers to the nearest seat.
Seats were given to people who are injured; t-shirts are donated from guys to stop the bleeding. Prams were roaring with loud weeping, parents try to console pale faced children, hushing them.
Older ladies grabbed the nearest person and asked what is happening.
Their replies are mostly don’t know.

Few got agited and started trying to force the automatic door opened, some banged at the driver’s door trying to demand an answer.



Silent spreaded through the whole train. A soft humming came out from the train’s engine.
In a flash, lots of people start to pull open the automatic door.
Screams and yells of unknown words came all over the place.

People were cramping on the seats in the train, someone suggested that standing on the seat provided more space.

The train started to move forward jerkily, four automatic doors were forced opened.
Selfishness were display all over the train.
A man in his forties grab his wife and two children dashed outwards, he pushed a slow moving old lady aside fighting to get out soon.

At the seat, an auntie in her fifties refused to throw her shopping bag aside. She hugged the shopping bag tightly in her chest, the space of her bags is able to save two more people.

I was bewildered.
I knew that there would not be any space for me at all at the seat, neither I want to risk and venture into the darkness of the underground tunnel.

I looked around, there are two categories of people.
Practical and faithful.

Practical people used their cell phone to call the necessary people for help. E.g. their love ones, police and etc.

Faithful prayed hard for their own safety, for others safety to their owning individual gods.

I do not have a god to pray to. So I reached into my bag, took at my cellophone. I begin to flip through the phonebook.

Just as I decide to call my mum, the train moved a lot faster.
A lot a lot faster.

“RUN!” Those who can’t stand still on the seats, fell off.
Heroes appeared carrying the fallen ones back to their standing seats,
babies were carried out from their prams in the nick of time- time before the train got too fast.

I am an anti-exercise member.
So soon, I can’t catch up with the crowd.
Unknown faces of older ladies and guys pulled me forward.

A fat man stopped to long for a pant.
“Run!” the wave of screams never reached his ears.
“ Wham!” He soared through the air, he flew passed me.
I saw no pupils in his eyes, blood flow non-stop out from his mouth, his nose were crashed into his face.
Fat meaty arms hang limply by his side, he’s gone.
He can’t be saved at all.

No one scream or check on him, we ran a lot fast. Very fast.

A five minutes train ride is an eternal hell for me, I suddenly realize humans are so useless. All they do is scream and waited for help, other than that we can’t do anything else.

Finally, the train comes to a stop. The automatic door opens only for 45 seconds, to stop the door from closing. We savage stones from the ground, bags that were fling forward.

Dashing, pushing are what those cowards and people who find their lifes are more valuable than others do.
Heroes tried to aid those who are unable to climb onto the platform.

I sat on the marble stone floor of the train station, grasping for air.
After getting back my breathe, I went around to thank those people who have helped me.
A bunch of angry mobs went up to the control station demanding a good explanation for what they had been through.


People who are injured are sent to hospital, some were questioned by the police to understand more on this incident, media arrived within the blink of an eye.

8 people were found dead in the train, I requested to go home by train as I am not familiar with bus route.
The hell train was moved away, after that…. After the train was moved away. I can’t remember what happened.

End
I watched a piece of newspaper danced in front of my window, the wind teased it, loving it and landed it gently on the walkway and the wind lift it again turning the paper spirally.

“… Are you listening to me?” A gentle hand landed on my shoulder, I turned around and began to scream.

“ GET AWAY FROM ME! LEAVE ME ALONE! PLEASE! I BEG YOU!”

A big glassy eyeball is talking to me! Oh my god! All those body parts won’t leave me alone.

I once saw a teeth sticking itself to the private part. Gross.

Tears flow out from the eyeball, I looked away towards the window.
Not looking at the door anymore.

The eyeball is my mum. I know it is her.
But I can’t face her. To me, she’s …. She’s an eyeball.
“ I’m sorry, mum.” I whisper softy hoping that she could hear my apology.

The newspaper flew and flew.
At the coverage of the paper was a big headline, “ Tragic in MRT”

66 Singaporeans were liberty torn into pieces when the high speed train could not stopped in time.
“ I…I do not know that the rail track have people. I never mean to kill them.” The driver broke down and cried.

Body bits were mashed against the windows of the train, blood dyed the whole train deep red.

Attached Images
File Type: jpg mrt.jpg (4.4 KB, 0 views)
File Type: jpg mrt2.jpg (5.6 KB, 0 views)
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  #2  
Old 08-24-2006, 05:30 AM
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Is my story so worthless for comments?
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  #3  
Old 08-25-2006, 08:25 AM
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This story is barely readable because the tense is not consistent. Choose one tense, pas or present, and stick with it.

Here are some examples:

This way, madam.” Footsteps echo audibly in the long deserted corridor.
Click.
Light streamed in; surrounding the whole room,reflecting a bed, a window and four bare walls.
“How are you?”
There is a pleasant ring in the voice lightening the dark moody room.
Past and present tenses are both used here.

After ensuring I am on the right route, I boarded the next arrived train and continued my journey towards home.
Here, two different tenses are used in the same sentence.

I scanned around the train, to see a child spinning round and round the gripping pole. A few lovely-dopey couples are whispering sweet words into each other’s ears, hugging snuggly.
Another example.

It seems that you are attempting to write something in the present tense but not sure of the rules, or the other way around. If you are writing in the present tense, the narrator cannot use words like 'was' and 'looked.' Likewise, if you are writing in the past tense, the narrator cannot use present tense words such as 'is.'

As far as continuity goes, you need to focus on the story at hand instead of trying to describe unnecessary sights and events to the reader.

Sunday is a fine day to go shopping and gathering with friends.
My friend and I had a fabulous day of sitting in the fast restaurant chatting, drooling at guys.
This has nothing to do with the story you are telling. Try starting off with the train wreck, as it is more attention-grabbing. Then you might consider going back to this part later on.

There are other points where you dwell too long on irrelevant things, such as:

I scanned around the train, to see a child spinning round and round the gripping pole. A few lovely-dopey couples are whispering sweet words into each other’s ears, hugging snuggly.
Shopping bags are scattered in a tiny circles around the train as shoppers resting their arms from the day’s earned prize.
A handful of people looked tired and irrated from their’s day work.
"A handful of people were scattered about the train, tired and irrated from their day's work."

This single sentence gets the point across.

Try revising this some more and choose only one tense. It has potential, but in its current state it still needs a lot of work.
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  #4  
Old 02-22-2007, 05:23 PM
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sorry but he's kinda right (no comment(or angry retort)needed)




uh ya

wait


ya
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