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  #1  
Old 02-21-2018, 10:01 AM
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He was the new kid in High School.

No one knew much about him.

He had transferred in from out of state.

Was quiet.

Did his assignments.

Looked healthy enough for the football team
but didn't try out for any sports.

He didn't change expression much.

Some said he looked like that Matrix guy.
Keanu.
Keanu Reeves.

Wasn't tryin' to get a girl friend
Or a boy friend.

There was a rumor his father had done time.
A story about him defending his family from a
road rager.


I don't know how much of that was true.
I do know the day some kid none of us knew
opened our classroom door and started in with a
black rifle this new kid, without a sound,
glided up to the gunman's left side.

Before the teacher could say anything, John
(that was his name) was left hand pushing the
barrel down as the banging started.

Pieces of linoleum were flying into
the air from the floor between Mr. Mark's desk
and our front row.

It was loud.

Then, over it, I heard screaming.
The crazy kid was screaming.

A pencil was being repeatedly stuck in the left
side of his neck.

John had it clamped in his right fist and was using
an overhand motion to move it like a sewing machine
needle.

The would be murderer dropped his weapon.

The new kid stepped back (with his pencil) as the
screamer clamped both hands on his really bleeding bad
neck and ran away.

The police found him in the bathroom.
Unconscious from blood loss but alive.

The new kid was transferred to another school
for "excessive violence".

And now all of us who were in the classroom that day
never go anywhere without a sharp pencil.

Lesson learned.

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Old 02-21-2018, 12:38 PM
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That’s awful. Your writing is great but the story makes me mad and sad. Tell me it’s not true.
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Old 02-21-2018, 01:22 PM
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It's not true. It's not even plausible.
Nobody's crazy enough to walk into a gun-barrel with a pencil. Even if one kid were, he'd be dead before he got to the door, never mind through it and behind the shooter.
Except for that one technical detail, I like it very much... and I'm not normally a fan of dark stories.
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Old 02-21-2018, 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted by pralina View Post
Thatís awful. Your writing is great but the story makes me mad and sad. Tell me itís not true.
Oh, Dom, Dom, Dom ... where do I start?

America is, at times, a very violent place. We gained our independence not with a coin toss but through force of arms. Some say ain't much changed but the calendar date.

I think many of the subtle reference points of this piece are not in your experience. Not all my work translates worldwide.

Let's start with a question. Did you see a film titled John Wick?
(Coincident with some of our earlier exchanges it has Russians in it.)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZBRrYEGET8
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Old 02-21-2018, 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Palindrome View Post
It's not true. It's not even plausible.
Nobody's crazy enough to walk into a gun-barrel with a pencil. Even if one kid were, he'd be dead before he got to the door, never mind through it and behind the shooter.
Except for that one technical detail, I like it very much... and I'm not normally a fan of dark stories.
Would you please quote the part that you infer as showing John walking into a gun-barrel with a pencil?
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Old 02-21-2018, 02:16 PM
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[QUOTE=Palindrome

Nobody's crazy enough to walk into a gun-barrel

[/QUOTE]


Tukaram Omble
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Old 02-21-2018, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Would you please quote the part that you infer as showing John walking into a gun-barrel with a pencil?

I'm asking because in the original vision I saw John moving along the wall that the door was in. This gave him the ability to be at the doorway (because he started as soon as the muzzle breached) as the neck became available.

But sheesh! How to write all that tight?
So I modified it to what you see but I don't see how you see what you said ... er ... typed.
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Old 02-21-2018, 03:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Tukaram Omble

In the thoroughly researched book about the Mumbai Terrorist Attack Mr. Omble was witnessed holding the muzzle to his chest. This action prevented Kasab from injuring anyone else or committing suicide.
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Old 02-21-2018, 04:40 PM
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"black rifle this new kid, without a sound"

Think about sectioning off, "this new kid" for readability and to signify the out of nowhere action.

"A pencil was being repeatedly stuck in the left
side of his neck.

John had it clamped in his right fist and was using
an overhand motion to move it like a sewing machine
needle."

A bit clunky here. You could streamline this, or even make it resonate the action.

"Lesson learned"

Either make this the title or just omit it. Too obvious as a line.

Good shit man, as always.
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Old 02-21-2018, 05:28 PM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
"black rifle this new kid, without a sound"

Think about sectioning off, "this new kid" for readability and to signify the out of nowhere action.

"A pencil was being repeatedly stuck in the left
side of his neck.

John had it clamped in his right fist and was using
an overhand motion to move it like a sewing machine
needle."

A bit clunky here. You could streamline this, or even make it resonate the action.

"Lesson learned"

Either make this the title or just omit it. Too obvious as a line.

Good shit man, as always.
Thanks for checkin' this out and givin' me your suggestions, daes.

I spent the morning thinkin' about the piece and scribbled it out during the half hour of lunch.

Posted it when I got home.

I then saw the black rifle etc. problem but ain't fiddled a solution into the text yet.

Gonna sleep on it.
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Old 02-21-2018, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Oh, Dom, Dom, Dom ... where do I start?

America is, at times, a very violent place. We gained our independence not with a coin toss but through force of arms. Some say ain't much changed but the calendar date.

I think many of the subtle reference points of this piece are not in your experience. Not all my work translates worldwide.

Let's start with a question. Did you see a film titled John Wick?
(Coincident with some of our earlier exchanges it has Russians in it.)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZBRrYEGET8

No, I havenít seen it.
And I know it doesnít translate internationally, it doesnít have to.
Polish independence wasnít exactly licked in by kittens either, I know what Ďconflictí is but not first hand. I have never seen nor experienced anything like it, there are no guns neither in Poland nor in Norway, even the police here donít carry weapons.

But I do hear and read and see what is going on in your side of the pond and it terrifies me. If I lived there I would be afraid to leave the house. Therefore reading your piece made me think if that really happened. It just sounds plausible.
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Old 02-21-2018, 08:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Palindrome View Post
Nobody's crazy enough to walk into a gun-barrel with a pencil. Even if one kid were, he'd be dead before he got to the door, never mind through.
Donít you think itís a bit backwards to see the kid with the pencil and the Ďcrazyí one?
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Old 02-22-2018, 02:08 AM
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[QUOTE=pralina

But I do hear and read and see what is going on in your side of the pond and it terrifies me. If I lived there I would be afraid to leave the house. Therefore reading your piece made me think if that really happened. It just sounds plausible.

[/QUOTE]

Yeah. I stay alert over here.
And enjoy being in my castle as often as possible.

If one aspect of writing is to help a reader experience the piece than I say thank you for showing me I have done my job.


"licked in by kittens"
Now that is delicate imagery.
You keep writin'.
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Old 02-22-2018, 02:31 AM
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Originally Posted by pralina View Post
Donít you think itís a bit backwards to see the kid with the pencil and the Ďcrazyí one?
I'm thinkin' you intended to write:
Don't you think it's a bit backwards to see the kid with the pencil as the 'crazy' one?
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Old 02-22-2018, 02:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
I'm thinkin' you intended to write:
Don't you think it's a bit backwards to see the kid with the pencil as the 'crazy' one?
Yes. It was 6 am, thatís my excuse.
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Old 02-22-2018, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by pralina View Post
Yes. It was 6 am, thatís my excuse.
Similar thing happened to me at that time when I thought it was midnight at your place and it turned out it was noon.


So I can relate.
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Old 02-22-2018, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Palindrome View Post
It's not true. It's not even plausible.
Nobody's crazy enough to walk into a gun-barrel with a pencil. Even if one kid were, he'd be dead before he got to the door, never mind through it and behind the shooter.
Except for that one technical detail, I like it very much... and I'm not normally a fan of dark stories.
You worked out the action from the original text?
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Old 02-22-2018, 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
In the thoroughly researched book about the Mumbai Terrorist Attack Mr. Omble was witnessed holding the muzzle to his chest. This action prevented Kasab from injuring anyone else or committing suicide.
I found the book where this info comes from, Palindrome. It gives it's reference.

If you like I will post the supporting info.
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Old 02-22-2018, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
I'm asking because in the original vision I saw John moving along the wall that the door was in. This gave him the ability to be at the doorway (because he started as soon as the muzzle breached) as the neck became available.

But sheesh! How to write all that tight?
So I modified it to what you see but I don't see how you see what you said ... er ... typed.
I do know the day some kid none of us knew
opened our classroom door and started in with a
black rifle this new kid, without a sound,
glided up to the gunman's left side.
That sounds ... er... reads very much as if the rifle-toting kid is standing in the doorway, facing inward, with the rifle ahead of him, pointing into the room. How do you glide up to his side without encountering the gun first?
You could say the new kid was sidling along the wall as the gun-toting kid steps into the room. That way, I could picture John sneaking up beside the shooter without getting shot or the two of them getting wedged in the door-frame.

You found an example of someone crazy enough to walk into the barrel, but he didn't get to stab the shooter, did he?

Kasab was apprehended by assistant sub-inspector Tukaram Ombale but the latter sacrificed his life in the cause by falling prey to the terrorist's bullet.

Last edited by Palindrome; 02-22-2018 at 03:35 PM..
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Old 02-22-2018, 03:32 PM
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Pralina -- Donít you think itís a bit backwards to see the kid with the pencil and the Ďcrazyí one?
The administration did - and that's the intentional irony of the piece. They saw him as crazy because of the violence he committed - while his victim only intended violence and didn't get a chance to kill anyone.

I only said you would have to it more than ordinarily crazy to walk head-on into a rifle barrel. It's unusual enough in a martyred policeman; it's even more improbable in a high-school student. And he would be dead before he could inflict a single pencil-wound.

Besides, I was only trying to reassure you.
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Old 02-22-2018, 03:38 PM
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Pralina -- Donít you think itís a bit backwards to see the kid with the pencil and the Ďcrazyí one?
The administration did - and that's the intentional irony of the piece. They saw him as crazy because of the violence he committed - while his victim only intended violence and didn't get a chance to kill anyone.

I only said you would have to to be more than ordinarily crazy to walk head-on into a rifle barrel. It's unusual enough in a martyred policeman; it's even more improbable in a high-school student. And he would be dead before he could inflict a single pencil-wound.

Besides, I was only trying to reassure you.
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Old 02-22-2018, 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Palindrome View Post
That sounds ... er... reads very much as if the rifle-toting kid is standing in the doorway, facing inward, with the rifle ahead of him, pointing into the room. How do you glide up to his side without encountering the gun first?
You could say the new kid was sidling along the wall as the gun-toting kid steps into the room. That way, I could picture John sneaking up beside the shooter without getting shot or the two of them getting wedged in the door-frame.

You found an example of someone crazy enough to walk into the barrel, but he didn't get to stab the shooter, did he?

Yeah, I saw the weakness of clear interpretation with my modified from original idea text.

Needs work so almost no misinterpretation can occur.


Mr. Omble's intent was to immobilize the shooter so he could be taken alive. In that effort he was successful. He was awarded India's highest peacetime gallantry award. The Ashoka Chakra.

From what I have read of the incident no one interpreted his action as crazy.

Matter of opinion, huh?

And thanks for following up on your original comments.
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Old 02-22-2018, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Palindrome

I only said you [I
would[/I] have to to be more than ordinarily crazy to walk head-on into a rifle barrel. It's unusual enough in a martyred policeman; it's even more improbable in a high-school student.
Ah, but John was not an average teenager. He had seen his father defend the family from a road rager. He knew that the result, along with ensuring their safety, could be penalization.

And when his social family was being endangered he acted without hesitation because that is the parental example he had.

Uh, the sewing machine style is usually done underhand in the joint but that is primarily to hide the activity. Did his dad show him self defense stuff when he got home?

I don't know. John didn't talk about such things. He hardly spoke about anything that was not school related.


And I am starting to see that the piece needs to establish, for some readers, that John is approaching the barrel from a 90 degree angle.
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Old 02-23-2018, 04:48 AM
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so who's Ed?
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Old 02-23-2018, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Ah, but John was not an average teenager. He had seen his father defend the family from a road rager. He knew that the result, along with ensuring their safety, could be penalization.
That's not very clear in the story, either.
There was a rumor his father had done time.
A story about him defending his family from a
road rager.
A rumour - no particulars. No suggestion of john having learned combat skills.

If you say it's a true story, I'll believe you, because unusual things do happen; people who take unexpected action do survive some pretty weird shit. Still, I would not have thought it probable.

And when his social family was being endangered he acted without hesitation because that is the parental example he had.
What social family? He doesn't interact with his schoolmates. There was no indication that he would feel this kind of loyalty to them. In fact, there was no demonstration of his feelings about anything.

And I am starting to see that the piece needs to establish, for some readers, that John is approaching the barrel from a 90 degree angle.
You can do that with a single sentence and make it credible.

As it stands, and especially with that modification, it's a powerful bit of prose. Might even be a tasty allegory (the pen is mightier than the sword). If you filled in a couple of more blanks in the background you only hinted at, it would be more powerful still - precisely because of the credibility.
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Old 02-23-2018, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Leila View Post
so who's Ed?
PhysEd (Physical Education)

WickEd (Wick Education)


Didn't see John Wick 1 or 2, right?
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Old 02-23-2018, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Palindrome View Post
That's not very clear in the story, either.

A rumour - no particulars. No suggestion of john having learned combat skills.

If you say it's a true story, I'll believe you, because unusual things do happen; people who take unexpected action do survive some pretty weird shit. Still, I would not have thought it probable.


What social family? He doesn't interact with his schoolmates. There was no indication that he would feel this kind of loyalty to them. In fact, there was no demonstration of his feelings about anything.


You can do that with a single sentence and make it credible.

As it stands, and especially with that modification, it's a powerful bit of prose. Might even be a tasty allegory (the pen is mightier than the sword). If you filled in a couple of more blanks in the background you only hinted at, it would be more powerful still - precisely because of the credibility.
Yeah, I'm seein' another version is needed for another strata of readers.

I did not say this is a factual account of an event.
Is there a place in the text that gives you that impression?


I am now asking an apparently (perhaps) unrelated question:
Are you aware of Rinzai and Soto Zen practice differences?


And please feel at ease enough to quote/alter the text of the piece to illustrate any changes you feel would help improve it.


Gassho.
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Old 02-23-2018, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Yeah, I'm seein' another version is needed for another strata of readers.
It's already good. Just sayin it could be even better.

I did not say this is a factual account of an event.
Is there a place in the text that gives you that impression?
No, not at all. I only said that I would believe it's possible, but not probable. If you made it a little more relatable, believing would be easier. The reader's mind wouldn't go: "Hey! Wait a minute! How did..? Why would..?" but go straight to "Oh, yeah!" Be more satisfying, i think.


I am now asking an apparently (perhaps) unrelated question:
Are you aware of Rinzai and Soto Zen practice differences?
No, why?


And please feel at ease enough to quote/alter the text of the piece to illustrate any changes you feel would help improve it.
I made one suggestion, above, to clarify the spatial relations in the shooting incident. Another addition might be a line or so about the road rager, or that when his father was sent away, john became the man of the family and made it his duty to learn hand to hand combat - something like that. Or a mention of his intolerance for bullies or threats... Not looking for reams of back-story; just a few more hints.
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Old 02-23-2018, 07:18 PM
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Rinzai, along with sitting, involves a lot of interactive yakkin'.

Soto is primarily sitting with a relatively lesser amount of info bein' tossed around.

My initial effort with this piece could be likened to Soto style.

My impression of the direction you are indicating is ... I think you get it.


Perhaps we digress.

Gonna ruminate on what has been posted.

Thanks.
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Old 03-06-2018, 11:53 AM
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I know youre wicked Nick Pierce.
Here a hero and the gunman.
The hero is put away

Yes tis horrible Pralina.
In the U.S. N.P. is paid to poem what's happening
Nope. What' oh, not APril Fools yet.
This is a poem too disguised as a joke on a day
before the day, oh,. Mistakes -
Seehow. I dson'sstuudttter .
Wait. WWait. Don't tell me
Screenshots AreUS.
Here comes NPR

Snap

What does it sound like to type WHISTLE
woooohhhssoooosssooohhhhsshshhhhhhh.bee

PUBLISHED

(Around The Mountain She Comes):
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