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Metamorphosis

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Old 07-02-2018, 11:52 AM
Vince (Offline)
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Default Metamorphosis


Drawn together by their deep yearning for wholeness,
Each has pieces the other is missing from their souls,
The puzzle begun with romance, completed by marriage

Not an event but a rich journey paved with discovery
A growing bond that is stronger than life’s obstacles.
It transcends every difficulty, disappointment and loss.

Time and life melds them into one, no longer separate
A new being containing both, better than either alone
An intimacy that calmly soars into the heavens unafraid.


Last edited by Vince; 07-02-2018 at 06:38 PM..
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Old 07-02-2018, 01:52 PM
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Hi Vince,

This is quite a lofty, altruistic view of marriage but I liked this for its core integrity.

The rhythm is good with the exception of an ill-expressed third line - better ways to convey that sentiment.

'weld' is technically correct but I think 'meld' is softer in this context.

Not keen on the 'mountain, desert and sea' line - an unrealistic cliche that changes the tone from 'pure' to 'formulaic.' Oceans and land masses are so seldom cited in divorce proceedings...

Something very sweet here that just needs something personal to make it sincere. I want to know that this is your own experience, rather than a hopeful definition.

Good job overall. x
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Old 07-02-2018, 06:42 PM
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Grace Gabriel,
thanks for your help. I wrote this for a young couple getting married soon. Been married three times. This time for 40 years. I finally learned.


Glad you liked it.


by the way Have you ever been stung by a dead bee?
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Old 07-02-2018, 06:50 PM
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I could feel that the sentiment was genuine - and lovely.

That's why it would be so much more powerful if you made it a little personal - name the trials you have overcome - whether its sickness, poverty or trust. The images of mountains and oceans are the stuff of greetings cards. Own this poem.

Has your wife read this?

...I thought bees stung and then died?
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Old 07-03-2018, 01:01 PM
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Grace,
Kathy read it and had some changes to ofter as well - I will work on it. Areadymade some changes to the post .



the dead bee remark was a referanceto the movie "to have and have not" your pick made me think of it. If you haven't seen it it is worth looking for I think it is better than Casablanca
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Old 07-03-2018, 01:27 PM
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Thanks Vince, I'll try and find it.

I like the changes - sounds like the voice of experience now.

I love to hear about love - best wishes for you both x
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Old 07-03-2018, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Vince View Post
Grace Gabriel,
thanks for your help. I wrote this for a young couple getting married soon. Been married three times. This time for 40 years. I finally learned.


Glad you liked it.


by the way Have you ever been stung by a dead bee?

"Mr. Johnson?

What?

Was you ever bit by a dead bee?

A dead what?

A dead honey bee."


Actual text from film.

Yes, you are welcome.
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Old 07-03-2018, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Thanks Vince, I'll try and find it.

I like the changes - sounds like the voice of experience now.

I love to hear about love - best wishes for you both x
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/6xhjvfg
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Old 07-03-2018, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Okay. It don't come across. I simply searched the title then paged up until I saw the vid.

Goin' back to watchin' it now.

Hey, it's what Ponga Jim Mayo would do.
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Old 07-03-2018, 04:17 PM
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Piercey, I thank Google for all its interpolations over the years that have made communication between us possible.

Now, give an old gal a thrill and tell me which cowboy boots you're wearing....
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Old 07-03-2018, 04:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Thanks Vince, I'll try and find it.

I like the changes - sounds like the voice of experience now.

I love to hear about love - best wishes for you both x

"Anybody got a match?"

Lauren's first line in her film debut with Humphrey.

Two heartbeats later (at a little past 13 minutes into the film) she is your current avatar.

Oh yeah. The two heartbeats are hers and Mr. Bogart's.
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Old 07-03-2018, 11:41 PM
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sounds like someone knows how to whistle
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Old 07-04-2018, 12:46 AM
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If only...he normally just talks to himself
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Old 07-04-2018, 04:50 AM
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[QUOTE=Grace Gabriel

Now, give an old gal a thrill and tell me which cowboy boots you're wearing....[/QUOTE]

Tony Lama

Had them for more than 20 years. Been resoled and heeled a few times. No frills model. Simply black.
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Old 07-04-2018, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Tony Lama

Had them for more than 20 years. Been resoled and heeled a few times. No frills model. Simply black.

Understated... sturdy and reliable... not afraid of hard work... distressed leather appearance masking surprising suppleness...routine maintenance adding extra years of life expectancy... requires an experienced, discerning eye to appreciate the quality... getting softer and far more comfortable through ageing... suitable for all occasions... low maintenance....

man, I love it when you shake your booty.
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Old 07-04-2018, 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Understated... sturdy and reliable... not afraid of hard work... distressed leather appearance masking surprising suppleness...routine maintenance adding extra years of life expectancy... requires an experienced, discerning eye to appreciate the quality... getting softer and far more comfortable through ageing... suitable for all occasions... low maintenance....

man, I love it when you shake your booty.

The sound of one hand clapping is me cheek slapping my face to obscure the blushing.
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