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Pleasure

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  #1  
Old 07-04-2018, 05:03 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Default Pleasure


The earth is a striptease
The milk I slurp ice-skates like waterfalls
leaving me whitethirsty for celestial
angels, shifting 4x4 Fords, hissing
of canine-teeth, days curling into
night like Bernstein Bear pop-up books.

The chirping of thrushes
I cannot hear it.

The orgasm from smooches
I cannot feel it.

Will people break out
of circles and Pow-wow?
I am weeping.

Earth isnít a Lady Gaga song
Instead itís a knock-knock
joke deceiving you.

Or lady-boys clothed as women
in Thailand bandit-pick-pocketing
your money

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  #2  
Old 07-05-2018, 12:27 PM
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Grace Gabriel (Offline)
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Kinda like this Yonathan - the milk description captures that fresh, cold taste beautifully - but maybe ice skates in waterfalls rather than 'like' waterfalls.

Do canine teeth hiss? Sounds more of a feline connotation.

The rest I like - your mind has an unusual way of framing experiences which intrigues me and you get the sentiment across.

For the sake of constructive critique - you need to think more about structure. This poem is top heavy teetering on scrawny-legged verses. The rhythm has no continuity.

You have a poet's mind - the ability to perceive your surroundings in imagery clearly comes naturally to you.

Crafting structure will come with practice but get used to evaluating how your work sits on the page and hearing how it rolls when its read aloud.

Overall, you took me with you.
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Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 07-05-2018 at 12:33 PM..
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  #3  
Old 07-05-2018, 08:43 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Thanks Grace, everything you've said just now is noted.
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