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Should I include this poem in my novel? Conc.crit for an amateur?

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Old 05-05-2010, 11:42 AM
Catherine (Offline)
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Default Should I include this poem in my novel? Conc.crit for an amateur?


First I should mention that I'm no poet. I've only ever written about five poems in my whole life. But I am writing a fantasy novel, and at some point I had an idea that a character recites a poem. However, I wrote it, and now I'm not sure whether I should include it in the book. This is mainly due to the fact that I'm an amateur and I don't want my lack of skill as a poet to distrupt the flow of the novel. So basically what I'm asking is whether I should include it, and a bit of constructive crit. Thanks in advance.

Untitled

If only I could be the wind
Shaking the trees
But the slight breeze
Has been overpowered by a gale

If only I could be the sea
Moulding the rocks
But the surge of water
Has been restrained by the mighty moon

If only I could be the sun
Bringing the light
But the passionate rays
Have been chained in shadow

And yet,
I will not accept
A written path
I will tromp
Through the unforgiving grass
And stumble on a hopeful track

I will not be
An unplanted seed
I will flit
Through the open air
And find my own soil

If all seems lost
If all seems desperate
If all seems directionless
If all seems hopeless

I will blow into the gale
And make it retreat
I will force the moon
To replenish my weakened surge
I will hunt for the key
To unlock the sun's rays

I am the wind
That shakes the trees

I am the sea
The moulds the rocks

I am the sun
That brings the light

And I am unstoppable

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Old 05-05-2010, 12:14 PM
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I'll answer your question the best I can: I would if it warrants use.

I have absolutely no idea what your novel is about, and I haven't seen any of it to know if it actually fits at all, but the poem itself isn't a bad start, so if it fits in the story somewhere, then totally go for it. It's your work, so no one can technically tell you not to use it. I personally like the integration of poetry and longer (novel) pieces, so I'd be your biggest advocate for saying, "DO IT!" However, it really comes down to whether or not this piece is going to help the reader understand a situation, plot twist or the plot in general, or a character better.

With what you have here in front of me, I'd say it's a great start, and being an "amateur" doesn't mean anything in my eyes, because the words are good and they read okay. Tighten up the imagery in some of the stanzas and watch for unneeded repetition, (in my opinion) and you're going to make this poem a lot stronger.

Hope that helps.
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Old 05-05-2010, 08:40 PM
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Oasis Writer is 100% correct in my opinion. Your novel is your baby, and when the time comes, you'll know what to feed your baby to help it grow. If it fits, definitely use it. If it doesn't, you still have it as a separate piece. It's a win/win
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Old 05-05-2010, 10:24 PM
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Hm, okay. That seems like very wise advice. I guess I will know when the time comes.
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Old 05-06-2010, 12:16 AM
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Looks ok, but I think you need to spend some time refining this.

A good way to start is to read it out to yourself, see how well it flows and how well it sounds spoken aloud. Below is a slight attempt of me to tighten this up a bit (and add some punctuation), but it is just an example and it is up to you to do with it what you will.

Untitled

If only I could be the wind
shaking the trees,
but the slight breeze
is overwhelmed by a gale.

If only I could be the sea
shaping the shore,
but a surge of water
is restrained by the moon.

If only I could be the sun
Bringer of light,
But passionate rays
are chained by shadow.

And yet,
I will not accept this written path,
I will march on, trough unforgiving land
and stumble on a hopeful track.
I will not be the unplanted seed,
I will go on, under open air
and find my own soil.

If all seems lost and hopeless
Iíll blow into the gale, and it retreats
Iíll force the moon to replenish the surge
Iíll hunt for the key, unlock the sun's rays

I am the wind, shaker of trees
I am the sea, shaper of shores
I am the sun, bringer of light

And I am unstoppable
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Old 05-07-2010, 12:51 PM
Catherine (Offline)
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Tau: Yeah, you're rewrite is so much better than mine. Just proves I'm an amateur. I'll take the reading out loud tip on board; I don't even do that with general writing sometimes and it's a habit I need to get into.
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