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Longing

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  #31  
Old 10-19-2014, 10:14 PM
E. Zamora (Offline)
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That sounds like more squirming caused by simply_words' frank, uninhibited bursts of emotion.

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  #32  
Old 10-20-2014, 05:16 AM
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You are welcome. If it’s okay, I’m going to keep a copy of the list on hand for any future conversations we might have.
EZ, you're welcome to keep a copy. I must be important in your mind? Or...you could just come back to this little thread and refer to it when you decide to break your silence. It's up to you really. But anything that helps you with any thought process is a good thing, in my opinion.


Originally Posted by E. Zamora View Post
That sounds like more squirming caused by simply_words' frank, uninhibited bursts of emotion.
I'm glad you noted that. I'm also glad you've reverted to one sentence sarcasm. It's fitting for the situation. We all know how difficult and mind taxing that is. So yeah...thanks.

Now iDrew:

You seem a well balanced person, in so much as you’ve got a chip on both shoulders
Cliché much? And a little tepid.

Here’s the litmus test: lock this poem, as is, in a drawer and come back to it in six months or so time. You will then see that WPC Drew wasn’t too far wrong on key elements. And that’s a fun fact.
Try an alternative on the litmus test, based on your fun fact above. Lock your version of my poem/s away in a cupboard for six months or so. Come back and see it's horse shite. Or have you, in your six years with many many editors, found a way to break through the above test and create imaculate works of art in a matter of moments? You can't have it both ways.

The vehicle of this poem is emotion
Wrong. The vehicle of this poem was a lack of emotion. The MC is vacant in her situation. She's had enough. She feels nothing in the moment. Your hashed version of the poem did nothing extra to convey emotion. If you read it without your prescriptive glasses, you might see that.

For your info, I’ve worked for about six years creating a unique voice and image, which has been recognised by many, many editors.
Your voice is comic sans with an attempt to convince the rest of the reading public that cliché 'broken britain' is full of slags, drugs and kfc junkies (with bad/no grammar). If you can't see the wood for the trees, no can help you.
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Last edited by simply_words; 10-20-2014 at 05:41 AM..
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  #33  
Old 10-20-2014, 05:37 AM
E. Zamora (Offline)
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Originally Posted by simply_words View Post
ez, you're welcome to keep a copy. I must be important in your mind? Or...you could just come back to this little thread and refer to it when you decide to break you silence. It's up to you really. But anything that helps you with any thought process is a good thing, in my opinion.

I'm glad you noted that. I'm also glad you've reverted to one sentence sarcasm. It's fitting for the situation. We all know how difficult and mind taxing that is. So yeah...thanks.
5
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  #34  
Old 10-20-2014, 05:49 AM
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Is that the pre-prequel in Suburbia?

When words fail you...stick to numbers? You said you've raised a child? Really? God help us.

5 again?
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  #35  
Old 10-20-2014, 03:53 PM
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Let’s play a fun game full of fun facts.


You can reply to everything I say by calling it cliché, but it’s very boring, often inaccurate and “a little tepid”. Well done for learning how to do the accent, by the way, good boy.

I only use Comic Sans on this board for no other reason than I get bored with Times New Roman which I use for absolutely everything else I do. Get over it. It’s unimportant. Desperate much?

I have never written an alternative version of your poem, or anyone’s come to that. When I have written out alternative extract examples for people it has been to help me get a certain point across, clearly, and it has been well noted that I’ve offered this as an example of what I’d been talking about and not an effort to rewrite their piece. I have no idea why you keep insisting such a thing exists.

To date, less than 10% of what I write is social commentary.

Science was one of the lessons I mostly bunked off in school but I did learn about litmus paper.

None of my work is done “in a matter of moments”. The average between conception and submission is approximately a year and even then it would be in a constant state of editing until acceptance.

As in frank, uninhibited bursts of emotion - designed to lack emotion. The details and scenes were a clear attempt to be emotive, possibly to create a stark contrast to the MC’s ultimate feelings, can’t say with any certainty ‘cos it ain’t working. As a first, or early, draft it does show potential but to defend an early draft in such a manner only indicates that you can’t take criticism.


Originally Posted by simply_words View Post
(with bad/no grammar). If you can't see the wood for the trees, no can help you.
Priceless.



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  #36  
Old 10-20-2014, 05:48 PM
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Hey I'm new here-- and to writing-- but as I was reading your poem I had a thought. I believe it is the fifth stanza where the years fly by happy to sad. If you were to split off the last part (sad part) I feel like it may draw in a little. That way the reader takes the rush of excitement, and then breaking away from that is the morose.
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  #37  
Old 07-08-2018, 05:45 AM
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Two pages of poem/crit.

Impressive community interaction example.
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