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The Book of Lies

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  #1  
Old 06-29-2018, 07:55 AM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Default The Book of Lies


Reading Journal #1

Read well, rummage
a book
I am done bulldozing
about how much I read
Pick up Exodia and
obliterate me to the
shadow-realm.
(Get to point? Ok)

Reading Journal #2

Syllables
Nonsense.
Lectures
Syllables.
Boredom
Nonsense.
9/5 Job

Reading Journal #3

I’m trying scrabbling words
in an orderly fashion
I am bored out of my mind,
I really got porn-fingers.
I rummage one up a butt-hole
like college porn-stars

Reading Journal #4

Shit
Poop.
Lectures
College.
The same shit
??
I don’t know anything.


Reading Journal #4

Well every time I read a Britannica
Dictionary, an alligator of a reference
It taught me new verbiages like damn
man this s u c k s
I’ll put abbreviations the next time
I write retarded mean-girls-esque
diaries.

Reading Journal #5

…Awkward, what happened
with the day, I don’t remember
writing this
it’s a dazed and confused
doggynote.


---2nd Revision---

Reading Journal #1

Rummage a book
I’m done bulldozing
about how much I
kaleidoscope textbooks.
Pick up Exodia and
obliterate me to the
shadow-realm.
(Get to the point? Ok)

Reading Journal #2

Syllables
Gibberish.
Lectures
Syllables.
ZzZz
Gibberish.
9/5 work

Reading Journal #3

I’m scrabbling syllables to
strut them like drag queens
I’m bored out of vulture-brains.
I got gigolo-fingers
I shovel a butt-hole
like college porn-stars.

Reading Journal #4

Walking
Poop.
Upskirts
College.
Shit

Newton.

Reading Journal #5

Do you read Dictionary Britannica's
an alligator of an FAQ?
It Einstein's verbiages like damn,
man and s u c k s
I’ll add abbreviations the next time
I scribble average joe mean-girls-esque
diaries

Diary #6

…Awkward,
I don’t remember scribbling
Morse code doggyjournals.


Last edited by Yonathan1; 07-04-2018 at 05:08 PM..
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  #2  
Old 06-29-2018, 05:00 PM
spshane (Offline)
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Did you get caught in a roofie circle? Hey, man, it happens.
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Old 06-29-2018, 05:05 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by spshane View Post
did you get caught in a roofie circle? Hey, man, it happens.
lol no.
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Old 06-29-2018, 05:42 PM
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Yeah... couldnít make sense of that book either. Read the whole damn thing several times on acid and it didnít help. Well, it helped something, just not sure it was what Crowley intended.
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Old 06-29-2018, 07:03 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Yeah... couldn’t make sense of that book either. Read the whole damn thing several times on acid and it didn’t help. Well, it helped something, just not sure it was what Crowley intended.
Can I get a critique please?
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Old 06-30-2018, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Yonathan1 View Post
Can I get a critique please?


No, sorry. Sometimes I comment on poetry when I see something glaring, but Iím not a poetry guy, and you have some talent Iím not qualified to analyze. Best to let the poetry people comment. I bump threads with nonsense sometimes.
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Old 06-30-2018, 02:46 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
No, sorry. Sometimes I comment on poetry when I see something glaring, but Iím not a poetry guy, and you have some talent Iím not qualified to analyze. Best to let the poetry people comment. I bump threads with nonsense sometimes.
Ok I get it, thanks for your honesty.
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Old 07-03-2018, 04:40 PM
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Hi Yonathan1,

Stopping to comment as you've asked for critique.

Worth varying your vocabulary and making it more concise when you're writing with a clipped tone.

'shit'...followed by 'poop'...same thing except the punch of the word 'shit' is diffused by the childlike term following on its heels.

Repetition of the word 'rummage'...maybe 'rifle' a book and 'rummage' in your butt.

Again, college/lectures...saying the same thing.

Appreciate you're trying to convey listlessness and disinterest but phrases like 'bored out of my mind' suggest that your poetry is thoughtless and half-hearted - you can convey those feelings more competently so your reader can feel your boredom, but not feel bored themselves.

Hope that helps.
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Old 07-03-2018, 07:16 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Hi Yonathan1,

Stopping to comment as you've asked for critique.

Worth varying your vocabulary and making it more concise when you're writing with a clipped tone.

'shit'...followed by 'poop'...same thing except the punch of the word 'shit' is diffused by the childlike term following on its heels.

Repetition of the word 'rummage'...maybe 'rifle' a book and 'rummage' in your butt.

Again, college/lectures...saying the same thing.

Appreciate you're trying to convey listlessness and disinterest but phrases like 'bored out of my mind' suggest that your poetry is thoughtless and half-hearted - you can convey those feelings more competently so your reader can feel your boredom, but not feel bored themselves.

Hope that helps.
Thanks grace well I made a revision on it if you'd like to see it.
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Old 07-04-2018, 12:47 AM
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Sure. Just amend the draft above and I'll re-read.
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