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  #1  
Old 12-24-2012, 07:45 AM
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Icon1 Shadow Child Preview


This is just a preview for my current story. If this gets enough views, I'll post the later chapters.(although I might just do it anyway.)

Chapter 1

The following testimonies were collected at [DATA EXPUNGED] Science Facility on subject data #68766

"It was evening, 6 pm or so, when HE escaped. I still remember it. The day we made that abomination. Subject #68766, Son of the Night, Child of the Shadows, The Weapon. He was but a boy, an orphan. 'No one would miss him.' We thought. 'He is insignificant, he has no family. His disappearance will go unnoticed.' we all thought that..."
-Dr. Doug [DATA EXPUNGED]

"His family had all died, murdered. He was at a friend's house at the time. The killer was never found. He was sent to St. Peter's Home for Boys. That's where we found him."
-Dr. Paul McKinly

"We had a fake couple adopt him. After that, we had them go to a fake home with the boy. A few days later, he was brought to the Facility. We gave him the drug. Optinancium. I don't know why we had to give THAT drug to him. But I followed my orders. Who knew that Optin was this powerful?"
-Dr. John Reedman

"He went crazy! Started attacking everyone. Tough little bug too, but we got him under control. Had to sedate him and put him in a padded cell! He put up quite a fight, he bit me. I still have the scar."
-Security Guard #67 Alfred "McBig" McBrigg

"We monitored him for a week. He started changing. His skin turned completely black, his face had mutated. All there was on his 'face' was two, round, pure white circles for his eyes and a mouth. No nose, no eyebrows, nothing else. His teeth had sharpened and turned black as well. The teeth had melded into his lips, making them very sharp and hard. The inside of his mouth had turned the same pure white as well. Horns grew on his head, but they grew very differently. They were both different sizes. The horn on the right was small, four inches in circumference, three inches long. The other on the left was quite large, twelve inches in circumference and 6 inches long. We measured. The big one was hollow inside and light. While the small wasn't as hollow but was the same weight as the bigger one. It balanced quite well. He grew a tail as well. It was thirty-five inches long and wire thin with a little spike at the end. All while he changed, he screamed. He screamed as if he were in immense pain and agony. He never passed out, and he never lost his voice. I can still hear the screams, the cries, it haunts me. It was so terrifying."
-Dr. [DATA EXPUNGED]

"The sight of it made me want to vomit! It wasn't human, not anymore. When I went to clean his cell about once a week, it just sat there, staring at me as I cleaned. It's creepy! Every time I go in there, I wanna get out! Probably why it's so dirty, I keep half-assin' it and goin' so quick. The stares, I keep tellin' it to stop, but it don't. It's like talking to a wall or a dumb animal. Sometimes, it looks up at me with those white, empty, creepy eyes and smiles this shit-eating grin. Then it giggles."
-Janitor #3 [DATA EXPUNGED]

END OF PREVIEW
phew! I hope this does well! Thanks for reading!

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  #2  
Old 12-24-2012, 08:18 AM
MonseratTheFool (Offline)
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Dreami,

Creepy. I love it. The mood is very tense, and the creature feels absolutely terrible. Nice use of the expungements as a plot device to draw the reader into the appropriate context. The small, descriptive chunks were easy to digest and gave interesting perspectives on the same story. A few things,

Dr. John Reedman...he is a doctor, leaving some type of notation about this incident. I found it a little informal for him to say, "we left him with a fake couple, in a fake house." To add to the mood and give credibility, perhaps try to "doctor" it up a bit. "The child was put into the care of highly-trained behavioral researchers posing as parents, in a tightly monitored environment made to simulate a normal home." Make it feel more real.

I love Janitor #3.

Also, Dr. Doug and Dr. John both used capitalized exclamations HE escaped and THAT drug. I understand that you want to emphasize these points, but using the same type of obvious emphasis reveals the author's voice.

I read the first sentence back to myself, "It was evening when HE escaped." To me, it didn't take anything away to just say "It was evening when he escaped." Still, I'm goaded to wonder who he is. Just a matter of personal preference.

One other note:
The horn on the right was small, four inches in circumference, three inches long. The other on the left was quite large, twelve inches in circumference and 6 inches long. We measured.

The "We measured." doesn't seem necessary, and seems undoctor-like on record. Again, maybe try to integrate this into the doctor's narrative, like, "We took care to accurately measure the rate of changes in the boy's body. For example, the protrusions resembling horns were..." You know, something like that.

It'll draw a starker contrast between the doctors and janitors and give more texture and richness to the overall picture being painted.

I love the setting, the tone, the introduction of this horrible, sad beast. Great work!
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  #3  
Old 12-24-2012, 08:24 AM
Allen Holmes (Offline)
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I like the story, but a bit more description might make it a tad better. Example on the first paragraph to follow.

The wind blew sand against the window pane as we searched for #68766. The sound reminded me of my time in the Sahara desert searching for the herb we used to transform it into what now terrified us. I continued to the other room apparently to others searching for #68766, but in reality the next room was closer to the emergency exit.
I looked around the clutered room. Every exame table had been overturned and sand blew in from the shatered window. The clock on the wall said 6:00 pm. [I]What have we done![I] I thought. What gave us the right to take an innocent orphan and transform him into a freak; Son of the night, a child of the night.
The Madness of rush hour traffic would soon be over, only to be replaced by the madness of the weapon that had escaped.
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