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  #1  
Old 11-20-2017, 02:09 PM
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Default Boy


There is much more beyond the garden wall,
the fenced in field, the boundary lane,
So much more beyond the village wood,
the rolling hills, the grey town hall;
and though these city streets the eye detains,
and feet now stand where others wondering stood,

Remember this, that all ways lead to where it all began,
The dreams, the hopes, the boy that grew the man.

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Old 11-21-2017, 12:20 AM
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Really good poem. Has an effortless rhythm and a nice message. I like the last line as a stand-alone, as a piece of poetry, but I feel as if making it a little longer would satisfy the rhythm a little better and make it feel more like a conclusion to the whole thing. At the moment it feels like the conclusion doesn't fall on the downbeat, if you get what I mean by that, and you lose a little bit of the impact as a consequence.

That's just an opinion though, and I may be reading it with a different rhythm than you intended. Enjoyed it though. It's not easy to pull of a great meter without rhyme, and you did it in strides.
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Old 11-21-2017, 09:39 PM
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I think the rhyme is ABCABC DD. Is that right? Very nice poem, easy to read and understand.
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Old 11-22-2017, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by eripiomundus View Post
Really good poem. Has an effortless rhythm and a nice message. I like the last line as a stand-alone, as a piece of poetry, but I feel as if making it a little longer would satisfy the rhythm a little better and make it feel more like a conclusion to the whole thing. At the moment it feels like the conclusion doesn't fall on the downbeat, if you get what I mean by that, and you lose a little bit of the impact as a consequence.

That's just an opinion though, and I may be reading it with a different rhythm than you intended. Enjoyed it though. It's not easy to pull of a great meter without rhyme, and you did it in strides.
An interesting perspective eripiomundus ( had to google your avi name, but I'm still no wiser. You may well be right about the length of the poem, but I try to condense what I want to say so that it's short and to the point without loosing the meaning.
Thanks for an interesting critique.
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Old 11-22-2017, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Luciaphile View Post
I think the rhyme is ABCABC DD. Is that right? Very nice poem, easy to read and understand.
Spot on. Well seen. You're another one I had to google, but got no definition of meaning. Thanks for your imput, appreciated.
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Old 11-22-2017, 08:52 AM
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Oh, nice. And I always love it when someone can throw down the rhymes.

Good, job, Kev.
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Old 11-22-2017, 09:05 AM
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Thanks Myers, appreciated.
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Old 11-22-2017, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by kev View Post
An interesting perspective eripiomundus ( had to google your avi name, but I'm still no wiser. You may well be right about the length of the poem, but I try to condense what I want to say so that it's short and to the point without loosing the meaning.
Thanks for an interesting critique.
Sorry kev, I wasn't clear in what I said. When I said "longer" I was referring to the last line rather than the entire poem. Also, I was wrong on a couple of points - I do think the culmination of the last line ends on a "down-beat" (stressed), but I think some of the emphasis of the conclusion is lost because the last line is a couple of syllables shorter than the penultimate. After rereading it again today I'm not so sure I still think that.

Was kind of manic the other night - no sleep or food for three days, and all the posts on here toward the end of it are a bit stupid. Apologies.

It's a great poem with a great rhythm.
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  #9  
Old 11-23-2017, 10:04 AM
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Iím not good with the technicalities of poetry. I sort of just like what I like.

I like this. You have a way of creating a simple but wide feeling here.

The only place I tripped a little was the end and no comma after grew. When I righted myself I saw what you meant but initially my brain didnít separate the two lines as they should have been. So, it felt like you were missing a word or a comma. A pause.



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Old 11-23-2017, 10:04 PM
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A Luciaphile is a person who loves Lucia from E.F. Benson's series of novels: Queen Lucia; Miss Mapp; Mapp and Lucia; etc. Does that help?
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Old 11-24-2017, 05:58 AM
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Lovely piece. Great sense of rhythm, and the concluding couplet is also very effective. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 11-24-2017, 11:24 AM
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Thanks for your response eripiomundus. Although it wasn't necessary to explain, glad you did as it gives a fuller picture of who you are - always helpful in a virtual world. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.
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Old 11-24-2017, 11:53 AM
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Quote from brian . . . (I’m not good with the technicalities of poetry. I sort of just like what I like.

I like this. You have a way of creating a simple but wide feeling here.

The only place I tripped a little was the end and no comma after grew. When I righted myself I saw what you meant but initially my brain didn’t separate the two lines as they should have been. So, it felt like you were missing a word or a comma. A pause.)

Quote suddenly stopped working for me, brian, so had to copy and paste,

I'm no technician or a grammar mechanic. This one came out with a couple of lines missing to make a rhyme, so just rummaged in my brain for the right word and re worked the two lines.......loved your response, more of feeling than logic.
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Old 11-24-2017, 11:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Luciaphile View Post
A Luciaphile is a person who loves Lucia from E.F. Benson's series of novels: Queen Lucia; Miss Mapp; Mapp and Lucia; etc. Does that help?
Quotes working again Yo!!!

Thanks for the explanation Luciaphile.
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Old 11-24-2017, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Leila View Post
Lovely piece. Great sense of rhythm, and the concluding couplet is also very effective. Thanks for sharing.
My pleasure Leila, chuffed you enjoyed.
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Old 11-26-2017, 01:44 AM
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Wistful, elegant poem, paced to savour.

Feels so personal and yet ambiguous enough to be taken on by any heart it resonates with.

Lovely. Good job Kev x.
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  #17  
Old 11-26-2017, 12:50 PM
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Thanks Grace. A very expressive response, Appreciated. x
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Old 12-07-2017, 07:09 PM
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Boy There is much more beyond the garden wall,
the fenced in field, the boundary lane,
So much more beyond the village wood,
the rolling hills, the grey town hall;
and though these city streets the eye detains,
and feet now stand where others wondering stood,

Remember this, that all ways lead to where it all began,
The dreams, the hopes, the boy that grew the man.

------------------------

Very much enjoyed this piece. Oratory fills the vowels "boundry/beyond/wood/rolling/towns/wondering/stood!" fantastic wave of rhymes that go and do not cease till the end; i enjoyed word choice and imagery

thanks for sharing.

i was going to comment on your choice of "and" after a semi-colon, but i discovered that it's okay to do this when there's enough commas

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/semicolons.asp
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Old 12-08-2017, 11:43 AM
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Interesting critique Beesauce. I don't seem to go along with the rules of where should be what. A comma feels like a short pause and a semi colon feels like a longer pause. So I stick them in where it feels I should. Thanks again for a thoughtful response.
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