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Drunk poem

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  #1  
Old 03-17-2018, 04:18 PM
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Default Drunk poem


R

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Last edited by daes13; 03-27-2018 at 04:22 AM..
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  #2  
Old 03-17-2018, 04:24 PM
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Hope youíre learning a trade junior. Only way to make money in the future will be with your handsóand something robots or algorithms canít do.

I hear the entertainment industry will still be good. But thatís a crap-shoot.

Fuck it... cheesecake and beer sounds promising.




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Old 03-17-2018, 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
As always, please no quoting extensively


Ain't Even Friday

Bills are late...
But they ain't due til next Friday
after a few payment arrangements
and monthly leeways.

Least I get my check next week!

60 hours of sweat
should be enough,
long as Uncle Sam
don't take too much.

Just the right amount to
Not pave the potholes
along my daily drive.

Not enough to replace the
dilapidated STOP sign
hidden behind untrimmed
pines.
But there's only been a
few wrecks.
Not so bad I guess.

Sure ain't enough
to feed all the
inmates.
Incarcerated for probation
violation and unpaid
child support.
They can't use freedom
anyway.

Last I heard,
local high school
has the lowest graduation
rate, and highest
dropout percentage.

Glad I worked enough
for those few
able to endure the ride.

Who needs more than one
high school in a town with
four middle schools?
We got plenty of
Private Academies.

They can wait til
next week,
once I get my check.
So can the past
due claims -

Got 60 bucks to my name,

Imma burn it all,
on cheesecake and beer.

There's always next week.


Too much work in this piece.
As you have sometimes said "Edit".
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Old 03-17-2018, 04:58 PM
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Anything in particular to edit sir?
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Old 03-17-2018, 05:08 PM
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Fucking poets...


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  #6  
Old 03-17-2018, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
Anything in particular to edit sir?
My first impulse is to say "Half".
But that is unhelpful.

Lemme sleep on it.
The other one was tight.
This one is way too long winded.
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  #7  
Old 03-17-2018, 05:14 PM
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Fair enough. The other one I worked on for weeks. This one was a spur of the moment drunken flow. But, I would love to hear your edits please, especially when I'm sober. Thanks man

Who knows, one day I may be a poet like brain seems to hate hahaha
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Old 03-18-2018, 04:49 AM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
Fair enough. The other one I worked on for weeks. This one was a spur of the moment drunken flow. But, I would love to hear your edits please, especially when I'm sober. Thanks man

Who knows, one day I may be a poet like brain seems to hate hahaha
Try the cut up method.

Print it out as is, cut it width wise so there are one line strips then rearrange them in a few configurations. Post a couple of the completed (using all lines) versions.

These will most certainly do justice to the title.
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  #9  
Old 03-18-2018, 05:30 AM
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Thanks nick. I will post a few up this evening.
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Old 03-18-2018, 06:03 AM
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I did one with my coffee before I go out to drive these t-posts in. Think I cut too much, but I like how much cleaner it is. Let me know sir:


Ain't Even Friday

Got 60 bucks to my name,
Bills are late...
But after a few payment arrangements
and monthly leeways
they ain't due til next week.

Long as Uncle Sam
don't take too much
60 hours of sweat
should be enough,

Just enough to
ignore potholes
And
dilapidated street signs
hidden behind untrimmed
pines.

They can wait til
next week -
So can the past
due claims -

Got 60 bucks to my name
And
Imma burn it all,
on cheesecake and beer.
__________________
I'm just bored. Slinging the first thought that comes to mind, which is often poor advise.

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Last edited by daes13; 03-18-2018 at 06:41 AM..
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Old 03-18-2018, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Hope youíre learning a trade junior. Only way to make money in the future will be with your handsóand something robots or algorithms canít do.

I hear the entertainment industry will still be good. But thatís a crap-shoot.

Fuck it... cheesecake and beer sounds promising.




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We have very different definitions of good. The entertainment industry has been in a downward toilet-bowl spiral every since the Golden Girls went off the air. Hard to imagine it getting any better.

You're right about working with your hands though. I actually saw a robot try to give someone a haircut. It was a bigger mess than you can imagine. The engineers said that there is something about cutting hair that the machine can't figure out.
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Old 03-18-2018, 07:05 AM
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Seems like you have several themes in one, which isn't a bad thing. Can be confusing... maybe. Maybe think about which themes you want to address the most. Kind of feels like one or two poems rolled into one.
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Old 03-18-2018, 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
I did one with my coffee before I go out to drive these t-posts in. Think I cut too much, but I like how much cleaner it is. Let me know sir:


Ain't Even Friday

Got 60 bucks to my name,
Bills are late...
But after a few payment arrangements
and monthly leeways
they ain't due til next week.

Long as Uncle Sam
don't take too much
60 hours of sweat
should be enough,

Just enough to
ignore potholes
And
dilapidated street signs
hidden behind untrimmed
pines.

They can wait til
next week -
So can the past
due claims -

Got 60 bucks to my name
And
Imma burn it all,
on cheesecake and beer.

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about clean with this one. The cut up seems a route to bring this one's potential forth.

And use the original title to keep the reader from cryin'.
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  #14  
Old 03-18-2018, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by spshane View Post
We have very different definitions of good. The entertainment industry has been in a downward toilet-bowl spiral every since the Golden Girls went off the air. Hard to imagine it getting any better.



You're right about working with your hands though. I actually saw a robot try to give someone a haircut. It was a bigger mess than you can imagine. The engineers said that there is something about cutting hair that the machine can't figure out.


Yeah, I was talking about the homemade entertainment industry. People on YouTube making $200,000 a year or more doing ó I donít know what. But I watch. Some of those rich peoples are just idiots. I donít know why I watch, but I canít stop.

My daughters sell art commissions online. Drawing other peopleís ďcharacters.Ē Anything from cartooney characters to almost pornographic ďfur-sonas.Ē (Donít ask me what those are, I just know that some of these idiots pay $400 for a drawing of something the imagined... seriously).




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Old 03-26-2018, 01:30 AM
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deep story mate
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