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It's Dark Out

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  #1  
Old 03-11-2007, 03:12 AM
lanaia74 (Offline)
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Default It's Dark Out


I just got the phone call, you want me to meet you up the street
It's dark out, and I tried to get you to wait until tomorrow
But you said it was really important and you couldn't wait to meet
It's dark out and I don't really want to go, but here we are meeting from here is only a stone's throw.

It's dark out, and believe me, I'm scared of the dark, laugh if you want
Since I was small, in the dark terrible thoughts enter my mind
But, I know, I am being absurd, but the darkness forever me it picked to haunt
Always and forever, the darkness, plays on my mind.

It's dark out, but I leave my house, to walk up the street
Flashlight in hand, I hasten my pace, walking faster
I am afraid, who knows what in the dark, I will meet
The wind is blowing causing the dried leaves to rustle and stir.

It's dark out, and in my mind I imagine, all kinds of things
But, wait a minute, what is that unusual sound I hear?
Is this real or my imagination, is this why to fear I cling
It's dark out and things have become very unclear.

It's dark out, behind me I know, someone is following me
I hear their footsteps so clear, chills up and down my spine
Now all I want to do is run and flee
It's dark out, my God, from behind-----------------------------------------

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  #2  
Old 03-11-2007, 12:31 PM
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Hi lanaia74
In this state of mind the fear cuts of extraneous words and thoughts with a sense of immediacy. So my suggestions focus on cutting out connecting words, prepositions and a few other words that aren't needed, and correcting the grammar especially on the idiomatic phrases, so the speed of the fear is not slowed down. I'd leave the extra spacing off the last line as the reality is the thought comes quickly, not slowly, the breathing is fast, the chest tight, the sense of panic, unbeatable. Use an em dash for a dash between words. It's under the insert-symbols choice in Word or you can always get one from this web page - http://www.ascii.cl/htmlcodes.htm Use your find command ans search em d and you'll find it easily, then copy and paste it in.

Kit


I got your phone call, you want me to meet you up the street.
It's dark out; I tried to get you to wait until tomorrow.
You said it was so important you couldn't wait to meet.
It's dark out, I don't want to go;
here we are, meeting just a stone's throw from here.

It's dark out; believe me, I'm scared of the dark, laugh if you want.
Since I was small, terrible thoughts enter my mind in the dark.
I know, I am being absurd, but the darkness picked me to haunt forever;
always and forever, the darkness, plays on my mind.

It's dark out, I leave my house, walk up the street;
flashlight in hand, I quicken my pace, walk faster.
I am afraid, who knows what I will meet in the dark,
The wind is blows; the dried leaves to rustle and stir.

It's dark out, in my mind I imagine all kinds of things
But, wait — what is that soft sound I hear?
Is it real or my imagination, is this why I cling to fear?
It's dark out; things have become unclear.

It's dark out, behind me someone is following me;
I hear footsteps so clear, chills run up and down my spine.
I want to run and flee
It's dark out, my God, from behind...
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If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers.

Riverstones let the water flow around them.


Last edited by riverstone; 03-12-2007 at 12:38 AM..
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  #3  
Old 03-11-2007, 06:40 PM
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maylet (Offline)
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It's a really good poem, keep writing.
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Old 03-12-2007, 01:36 PM
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Hi lanaia74. I like the ideas in the poem but it's more like a story to me.
Riverstone gave some good suggestions and I don't really have any to add. Just remember that poetry shouldn't be a big assortment of words like a story. You need to use interesting words to describe your thoughts but not too many because it's poetry.
Hope I helped a little!
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Old 03-13-2007, 03:26 AM
Kriss Nichol (Offline)
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Default Dark Out

Riverstone's said it all really. The only thoughts I could add are related to thinking about what you want to say and how you can condense it to make it powerful, choosing your words carefully and revising and revising it till you get it shaped the way you want . Krissxxx
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