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Legendary Monsters Mummy

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Old 09-16-2010, 07:52 AM
EndlessPoss. (Offline)
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Default Legendary Monsters Mummy


Legendary Monsters
Mummy

Pharaohs in ancient Egypt used to mummify themselves to preserve their bodies and their mummified bodies were put in tombs in ancient Egyptian pyramids that were built by the ancient Egyptians. In the 20th century archeologists would travel from around the world to Egypt to discover these tombs of the ancient Pharaohs. The archeologists then would sell their findings to the highest bidder and those findings that didn’t get sold would be put in museums for display for the whole world to see.

As the museum’s tour lady pointed out as a young 14 year old named Donald as he was listening on in the background. It’s the 23rd century on Earth and Donald’s class is on a field trip to the Historical Museum of Earth. Donald was always interested in the galaxies histories especially Earth’s because both his parents were archeologist that came from Earth.

Donald was half human and half Eltarian from a planet called Eltar. He was a blue alien with pointy ears and a rough square head and a rock hard body.

“Donald are you listening?” asked his teacher.

“Yes Mrs. Haggard,” said Donald.

The class moved on from the ancient Egyptian exhibit but Donald was still interested in the exhibit so he stayed behind.

“Donald let’s keep moving,” shouted Mrs. Haggard.

“Coming Mrs. Haggard,” shouted Donald.

There were three human young men that came behind and picked up Donald and dragged him to the janitor’s closet.

“Since you like mummies so much we thought that would like to become one,” said one of the young men.

“Hey what are you doing,” said Donald as they dragged him.

“Hey don’t. Let me go,” complained Donald.

They put Donald in a closet and one of the young men used his fireballs that he shot from his eyes and melted the door knob so he couldn’t escape. Then the three laughed.

“Come on you three we got to keep moving,” shouted Mrs. Haggard.

“Yes Mrs. Haggard,” they shouted back.

“Oh and bring Donald with you too,” said Mrs. Haggard.

“I think he went to the bathroom Mrs. Haggard,” said one of them.

“Yeah the bathroom,” said another one.

“Yeah he definitely went to the bathroom,” another one said.

“Ok well then you three hurry up and get moving with the group,” said Mrs. Haggard.

“Yes Mrs. Haggard,” they said.

They laughed again and left Donald all alone in the janitor’s closet. While Donald was locked in the janitor’s closet he was pounding at the door to be let out.

“Hey let me out. Hey guys this isn’t funny. Let me out,” Donald complained but they were already gone.

At the bus the kids were getting ready to board.

“Hey you three where’s Donald?” asked Mrs. Haggard.

“Oh I think he’s already on board the bus right guys?” said one of them.

“Yeah you’re right he’s already on board,” the other one said.

“Yes he’s already on board,” the other one said.

“Ok then let’s get a move on,” said Mrs. Haggard.

Its 9 pm at night and Donald is still kicking at the door but it still won’t budge. He looks around the room and looks for anything he could use to nudge the door open. He then finally saw something he could use as a laser. But then he heard something coming from outside. He could hear that someone was coming from the ceiling’s class.

Then he heard a laser and he thought that someone was breaking into the museum. He quickly and quietly used the laser he had and he got the door to open. It was dark in there and he couldn’t see very much but then someone put the lights on.

“Good it looks like you disabled the security systems properly this time Gregory,” said the man.

“Thank you Steve,” said Gregory as they both landed on the ground from the ceiling.

Donald tried to move quietly as he could to the front door but then he knocked in to something.

“Shish,” said Steve.

“What was that?” asked Gregory.

Donald then quickly found a place to hide so they wouldn’t find him. Gregory and Steve then took of their masks and they turned out to be Eltarian. Donald was shocked because they don’t get many Eltarians that travel to Earth especially thieves. Gregory and Steve were looking through a class that had a big red ruby in the ancient Egyptian exhibit.

Steve and Gregory took out some tools out of their bag and started to cut the class after they took out the security alarms around the class. Steve was about to to grab the ruby when it started to glow red.

“What’s going on here?” asked Gregory.

“I have no idea,” said Steve.

Donald was also looking on at the glowing red ruby when he heard a noise from the background but Steve and Gregory didn’t hear it because they were too busy being memorized by the ruby. Donald looked around to see what the noise was and it turned out to be that all of the mummies were coming to life in the ancient exhibit. Still Steve and Gregory didn’t know what was going on meanwhile, Donald was getting scared and wanted to get out of there but the exit was being blocked by the mummies but the mummies didn’t see them as they were headed to Steve and Gregory and toward the ruby.

Steve and Gregory were still memorized by the ruby; the mummies were getting closer to them and getting ready to grab them. Donald couldn’t help but look on scared. He wanted to help them get away from the mummies but he didn’t know how.

The mummies finally grabbed them and Steve and Gregory were yelling “Hey let us go. Let us go. Let us go”.

One of the mummies even took the ruby. The mummies took Steve and Gregory and opened a secret room in the ancient Egyptian exhibit and in it there were two tables were the mummies set them on. Then the mummies also strapped them down. There also was a statue where the ruby could fit in place. So the mummy holding the ruby put it in the hands of the statue. Donald remembered from the tour a painting of Cleopatra and the statue looked just like her.

Steve and Gregory were also scared as they were looking on and trying to get free and still yelling, “Hey let us go. Let us go”.

The mummy put the ruby in the Cleopatra statue then the ruby glowed a brighter and brighter red. Then there was a flash of a bright red light in the room and when the light went away and the room came back to normal the ruby disappeared and the Cleopatra statue turned into a real woman that was Cleopatra herself.

Cleopatra was so beautiful wearing a gold bikini with a gold crown. Steve, Gregory and Donald couldn’t help but look on in amazement. The mummies bowed to Cleopatra as she smiled. She spoke in ancient Egyptian and Steve, Gregory and Donald couldn’t understand what she said.

Then she said in English, “I am Cleopatra”.

She singled the mummies to rise up as they did one of the mummies gave Cleopatra an ancient Egyptian knife which she took over to Steve and Gregory. Again she spoke in ancient Egyptian.

Then in English, “You will be the ultimate sacrifice,” she said.

She held the knife up in the air and started to carve an ancient Egyptian symbol on Steve’s chest as he screamed. Then she went to Gregory and did the same to him as he also screamed. Then she took her hand on Gregory’s chest and her hand was full of blood and then she did the same for Steve. She walked over to an ancient Egyptian tablet on the center wall. Again she spoke in ancient Egyptian.

She said then in English, “It is time to rise again and to conquer this planet my love”.

She put her bloody hands over the tablet and the whole museum started to shake. Donald didn’t know what to do then he saw an ancient Egyptian scripture on the door next to him. He couldn’t read it at first but then he could.

It said, “Place the opposite jewel in the right hand to release the guardian of the past”.

Donald wondered what the opposite jewel was. He wondered off in the ancient Egyptian exhibit looking for the opposite jewel while the museum still shook and shook harder. He finally came across a statue that looked like an ancient Egyptian palace guard. He looked at the statue and it spoke to him as he stared into its eyes.

It said, “Put the opposite jewel in my right hand and I shall protect its holder”.

Although the statue didn’t speak he heard the voice coming from the statue. Donald then found a small blue jewel nearby the statue and it was the only other statue in the room besides where the ruby was. So Donald took his chance and took the blue jewel as the museum was still shaking harder and harder. As Donald could barely stand he put the blue jewel in the right hand of the guard’s statue.

Then the statue came to life, “I can give you one wish since you set me free?” said the guard to Donald.

Donald said, “I need you to stop Cleopatra” said Donald concerned.

“Then I shall stop her,” said the guard as he took out his sword.

“No one at school is going to believe this,” said Donald in amazement.

The guard charged Cleopatra with his sword. As he cut the heads off of the mummies in his way. Cleopatra spoke in ancient Egyptian again.

“You must stop this at once,” Cleopatra said in English while pointing her finger at the guard.

All of the mummies were down but were shortly getting right up.

“I shall stop you,” said the guard.

Then the guard got close enough to Cleopatra to stab her in the chest before the mummies fully recovered. The museum shook again then them secret door collapsed.



Comment or critique thank you and enjoy!

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Last edited by EndlessPoss.; 09-16-2010 at 07:55 AM..
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Old 09-16-2010, 12:32 PM
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It is an exciting story. Love it.
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Old 09-17-2010, 06:33 AM
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Thank you marializ. I haven't started on another one yet but I plan too soon.
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Old 09-17-2010, 04:49 PM
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sorry I'm not sure what this is, so can't be of much help. But your first paragraph repeats itself...a lot. hope I helped a little. I like mummy stories though.

Last edited by thelastwordsmit; 09-17-2010 at 04:58 PM..
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Old 09-18-2010, 01:30 AM
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Originally Posted by EndlessPoss. View Post
Legendary Monsters
Mummy

Pharaohs in ancient Egypt used to(be) mummified themselves to preserve their bodies; and their mummified bodies were put in tombs in ancient Egyptian pyramids that were built by the ancient Egyptians. In the 20th century archeologists would travel from around the world to Egypt to discover these tombs of the ancient Pharaohs. The archeologists then would sell their findings to the highest bidder and thoseor if the findings didn’t get sold, they would be put in museums for display for the whole world to see.
As the museum’s tour lady pointed out as a young 14 year old named Donald as he was listening on in the background. (This sentence makes absolutely no sense. What did she point out?)It’s the 23rd century on Earth and Donald’s class is on a field trip to the Historical Museum of Earth. Donald was always interested in the galaxies histories especially Earth’s because both his parents were archeologist that came from Earth.
(I'd rephrase this to something like "...Donald was always intrigued by the history of the galaxy. His favourite planet was Earth because both of his parents, who were archaeologists, originated from there.")

Donald was half human and half Eltarian from a planet called Eltar. He was a blue alien with pointy ears and a rough square head and a rock hard body.

“Donald are you listening?” asked his teacher.

“Yes Mrs. Haggard,” said Donald.

The class moved on from the ancient Egyptian exhibit but Donald was still interested in the exhibit so he stayed behind.

“Donald let’s keep moving,” shouted Mrs. Haggard.

“Coming Mrs. Haggard,” shouted Donald.

There were three human young men(perhaps 'boys' would be more fitting here?) that came behind and picked up Donald and dragged him to the janitor’s closet.

“Since you like mummies so much we thought that (you) would like to become one,” said one of the young men.

“Hey what are you doing,” said Donald as they dragged him. “Hey don’t. Let me go,” complained Donald.

(in these two lines, I felt Donald didn't really exist, or didn't really try to escape, or he just didn't really care what they did to him. It's quite monotonous, you need to add emotion to it, something like an exclamation mark or say that he screamed, or struggled.)

They put Donald in a closet and one of the young men used his fireballs that he shot from his eyes and melted the door knob so he couldn’t escape. Then the three laughed.

“Come on you three we got to keep moving,” shouted Mrs. Haggard.

“Yes Mrs. Haggard,” they shouted back.

“Oh and bring Donald with you too,” said Mrs. Haggard.

“I think he went to the bathroom Mrs. Haggard,” said one of them.

“Yeah the bathroom,” said another one.

“Yeah he definitely went to the bathroom,” another one said.

“Ok well then you three hurry up and get moving with the group,” said Mrs. Haggard.

“Yes Mrs. Haggard,” they said.

They laughed again and left Donald all alone in the janitor’s closet. While Donald was locked in the janitor’s closet he was pounding at the door to be let out.

“Hey let me out. Hey guys this isn’t funny. Let me out,” Donald complained but they were already gone.
(again here, it just doesn't seem he's actually trying.)
At the bus the kids were getting ready to board.

“Hey you three where’s Donald?” asked Mrs. Haggard.

“Oh I think he’s already on board the bus right guys?” said one of them.

“Yeah you’re right he’s already on board,” the other one said.

“Yes he’s already on board,” the other one said.

“Ok then let’s get a move on,” said Mrs. Haggard.

Its 9 pm at night and Donald is still kicking at the door but it still won’t budge. He looks around the room and looks for anything he could use to nudge the door open. He then finally saw something he could use as a laser. But then he heard something coming from outside. He could hear that someone was coming from the ceiling’s class. Then he heard a laser and he thought that someone was breaking into the museum. He quickly and quietly used the laser he had and he got the door to open. It was dark in there and he couldn’t see very much but then someone put the lights on.
(there are a lot of "He did this," "He did that," in this paragraph, it just feels as though you're telling the reader, not showing them.)

“Good it looks like you disabled the security systems properly this time Gregory,” said the man.

“Thank you Steve,” said Gregory as they both landed on the ground from the ceiling.

Donald tried to move quietly as he could to the front door but then he knocked in to something.

Shush,” said Steve.

“What was that?” asked Gregory.

Donald then quickly found a place to hide so they wouldn’t find him. Gregory and Steve then took of their masks and they turned out to be Eltarian. Donald was shocked because they don’t get many Eltarians that travel to Earth especially thieves. Gregory and Steve were looking through a class that had a big red ruby in the ancient Egyptian exhibit.

Steve and Gregory took out some tools out of their bag and started to cut the class after they took out the security alarms around the class. Steve was about to to grab the ruby when it started to glow red.

“What’s going on here?” asked Gregory.

“I have no idea,” said Steve.

Donald was also looking on at the glowing red ruby when he heard a noise from the background but Steve and Gregory didn’t hear it because they were too busy being memorized by the ruby. Donald looked around to see what the noise was and it turned out to be that all of the mummies were coming to life in the ancient exhibit. Still Steve and Gregory didn’t know what was going on meanwhile, Donald was getting scared and wanted to get out of there but the exit was being blocked by the mummies but the mummies didn’t see them as they were headed to Steve and Gregory and toward the ruby.
(That, is a long, tedious sentence. You need to look into expanding on imagery and emotion instead of just telling as it is. Was he terrified? Did he try to think of another escape path? would they kill him? What if he let out a gasp and the thieves found him?)

Steve and Gregory were still memorized (mesmerised)by the ruby; the mummies were getting closer to them and getting ready to grab them. Donald couldn’t help but look on scared. He wanted to help them get away from the mummies but he didn’t know how.
(He wanted the thieves to get away unharmed, even though they were stealing? Interesting.)

The mummies finally grabbed them and Steve and Gregory were yelling “Hey let us go. Let us go. Let us go”.
(Again, I just feel there's no, fight, like they didn't even try to get away. Like they were scared at all.)

One of the mummies even took the ruby. The mummies took Steve and Gregory and opened a secret room in the ancient Egyptian exhibit and in it there were two tables were the mummies set them on.Then the mummies also strapped them down. There also was a statue where the ruby could fit in place. So the mummy holding the ruby put it in the hands of the statue. Donald remembered from the tour a painting of Cleopatra and the statue looked just like her. (How did Donald get into the secret room? Did he follow them?)

Steve and Gregory were also scared as they were looking on and trying to get free and still yelling, “Hey let us go. Let us go”.
(This is a repeat from before the last paragraph really.)

The mummy put the ruby in the Cleopatra statue(You already said this in the last big paragraph.) then the ruby glowed a brighter and brighter red. Then there was a flash of a bright red light in the room and when the light went away and the room came back to normal the ruby disappeared and the Cleopatra statue turned into a real woman that was Cleopatra herself.
(Words like glimmered, extravagant, intense and brilliance would help portray the brightness of the ruby as it glowed.)
Cleopatra was so beautiful wearing a gold bikini with a gold crown. Steve, Gregory and Donald couldn’t help but look on in amazement. The mummies bowed to Cleopatra as she smiled. She spoke in ancient Egyptian and Steve, Gregory and Donald couldn’t understand what she said.

Then she said in English, “I am Cleopatra”.

She singled (signalled) the mummies to rise up as they did one of the mummies gave Cleopatra an ancient Egyptian knife which she took over to Steve and Gregory. Again she spoke in ancient Egyptian.
(where did he get the knife from? did he have to smash something open to get it?)

Then in English, “You will be the ultimate sacrifice,” she said.

She held the knife up in the air and started to carve an ancient Egyptian symbol on Steve’s chest as he screamed. Then she went to Gregory and did the same to him as he also screamed. Then she took her hand on Gregory’s chest and her hand was full of blood and then she did the same for Steve. She walked over to an ancient Egyptian tablet on the center wall. Again she spoke in ancient Egyptian.
(How did she get to the tables in the first place? Did the rest of the mummies part for her, giving her a pathway to get to Gregory and Steve? Did Steve and Gregory not flail and try to break out of their straps? Did they not try to inch away, even though the act would have been useless?)

She said then in English, “It is time to rise again and to conquer this planet my love”.

She put her bloody hands over the tablet and the whole museum started to shake. Donald didn’t know what to do then he saw an ancient Egyptian scripture on the door next to him. He couldn’t read it at first but then he could.
(He couldn't read the scripture at first, then he mysteriously could? Did he already know how to read Ancient Scripture, but was just a bit to scared and couldn't concentrate on it at first? Or did it just mysteriously come to him?)

It said, “Place the opposite jewel in the right hand to release the guardian of the past”.

Donald wondered what the opposite jewel was. He wondered off in the ancient Egyptian exhibit looking for the opposite jewel while the museum still shook and shook harder. He finally came across a statue that looked like an ancient Egyptian palace guard. He looked at the statue and it spoke to him as he stared into its eyes.
(Did the Mummies not here him? did he sneak around on his tiptoes? How did he not get caught?) (Were the walls crumbling as the building still shook? Did he tremble? Or Stumble? Was he extremely frightened that he was going to die if the building collapsed?)

It said, “Put the opposite jewel in my right hand and I shall protect its holder”.

Although the statue didn’t speak he heard It's voice. the voice coming from the statue. Donald then found a small blue jewel nearby the statue and it was the only other statue in the room besides where the ruby was. (I do not understand this bit at all. Do you mean to say it was the only other jewel in the room besides the ruby?)So Donald took his chance and took the blue jewel as the museum was still shaking harder and harder. As Donald could barely stand he put the blue jewel in the right hand of the guard’s statue.

Then the statue came to life, “I can give you one wish since you set me free?” said the guard to Donald.
(Was there no brilliant shining light that exploded in the room like what happened with Cleopatra? If so, why not?)

Donald said, “I need you to stop Cleopatra” said Donald concerned.
(How does he know that Cleopatra is bad? How come Cleopatra or any of the mummies hasn't spotted Donald yet?)

“Then I shall stop her,” said the guard as he took out his sword.
(What did the guard look like? Was he tanned? did he wear shoes? Perhaps he was in a special armour. Did his sword gleam? Did it seem special?)

“No one at school is going to believe this,” said Donald in amazement.
(why is he saying this when the building is shaking and it could possibly collapse with him inside? Shouldn't he be thinking of a way to escape? How does he know he's going to make it back to school?)

The guard charged Cleopatra with his sword. As he cut the heads off of the mummies in his way. Cleopatra spoke in ancient Egyptian again.
(did Cleopatra see him before the guard started charging? What was her reaction as she saw him? Was she disgusted? Did she fear him? Did she yell at the mummies to stop him before he got to her?)

“You must stop this at once,” Cleopatra said in English while pointing her finger at the guard.

All of the mummies were down but were shortly getting right up.

“I shall stop you,” said the guard.
(He doesn't sound that enthusiastic..)

Then the guard got close enough to Cleopatra to stab her in the chest before the mummies fully recovered. The museum shook again then them secret door collapsed.
(How did he get through all of the mummies? did he slash his sword about? Perhaps he climbed over the tables Gregory and Steve were on? Did he climb over the mummies, jumping off them?)
(How did Donald get out, did he run, did he get trapped inside, did Cleopatra scream? Did Donald feel shocked?)



Comment or critique thank you and enjoy!

@ the orange bits:
considering this story is in English, there is no real need to state when she is speaking it. Instead, and you've already got this, but perhaps focus on when she talks Egyptian and point that out instead of the English.

I know I went all out with the critique, and I'm sorry if you didn't want it and stuff. But I just really wanted to do it ><

I think the concept of your story is good, however at the start it kind of reminded me of Nightmare at the Museum and the Mummy crossed in with each other but you've made it clear I think that this is different to them.

However... the massive info dump at the start and the lack of description to help me visualise the events, along with the sudden "he's there and now he's over there and now he's there" kind of thing just really, really threw me off. In fact, I felt it was a real shame about this, because this could be extremely fantastic if you took the time and thought of elaborating a bit on your scenes.

So overall, it needs a lot of improvement, yeah, but I think if you did take the time to improve what you've got it could be a real good piece of fiction.
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Old 09-18-2010, 06:42 AM
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Thanks A. Zerro that's why I asked for a critique. So just in case it had any flaws. To the lastsmordsmit what exactly repeats it's self in the first paragraph? So I can make some improvements there. To A. Zerro I will take your suggestions and make my story better.
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Old 09-24-2010, 11:06 PM
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Not a bad start. I agree with a lot of the above critiques. The first paragraph says Egypt (or a variant of the word) and pharaoh to much. A Zerro caught most of the grammatical stuff. There was one line that made me cringe.
Donald said, “I need you to stop Cleopatra” said Donald concerned.
I'm sure it was just a typo, but you said, 'said Donald' twice.

Aside from that, I really liked it.
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Old 09-27-2010, 09:30 AM
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Ooops. I probably didn't catch that one but thanks Apocalyptist. I'll make sure to change that!
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