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River Flow

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Old 08-08-2008, 01:27 PM
wewere (Offline)
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My computer broke down and finally I got it fixed. All this time I've been thinking about this script so I wrote it. I want to share this, and hopefully I'm getting better at this, with everyone. I hope it's enjoyable and maybe captivating. I also found somewhere i can write my scripts and for free but I can't share it for some reason. I'm rewriting my other two also. Well please enjoy. Sorry for talking too much.

Ext. outside grub's nightclub- night

It is raining hard. A car enters the deserted street and then stops next to the door leading into the nightclub. The driver quickly opens the car door in the back.

Driver:
Here we are, Mr. Tenem.

A man wearing a fur coat and smoking a cigar slowly comes out of the car. The door to the club immediately opens up and a very fierce looking man comes out holding an umbrella.

Tenem:
Rick could you hurry up? I'm soaking wet as you can see.

Rick, the man holding the umbrella, quickly goes up to the rich man putting the umbrella over the rich man.

Rick:
Mr. Tenem sorry sir.

Tenem looks at Rick and shakes his head. He walks with Rick sticking close to him. The driver gets inside the car and drives away.

Tenem
How's the club?

Rick
It's great sir. More and more are coming in. The girls are more enthusiastic than a year ago.

Tenem
(laughs)
Of course they are.

Tenem stops and looks away from the door. He stares at a girl, who looks around maybe nineteen, searching the trash in the dark alley beside the club house. Rick turns to see the girl.

Rick
Should I get rid of her?

Tenem
Sure go ahead.

Rick
Alright.

Rick goes up to the girl in the dark alley. He suddenly steps back from the girl who tried to punch him. He smiles.

Rick
You want a fight?

Rick puts his fist up. The girl looked at him with bloodshot eyes in anger.

Girl
I don't want a fight. Get out of my way. I'll go. That's your boss over there?

Rick
(nods)
Yeah. Well get out of here fast or I'm going to have to beat you to a pulp.

The Girl smirkes at him. She walks to Tenem and bumps into him.

Girl
Whoops. Very sorry mister.

Tenem smirked and quickly grabbed her hand while she tried to run.

Tenem
Not so fast there, my dear. I think you took something from me, didn't you?

Girl
Why sir, what could I have taken away from you?

Rick
Sir, is there something wrong? Girl I thought I told you to go away.

Tenem
Check her hands.

Rick searches the Girl's hand and finds Tenem's wallet. He stares angrily at the Girl.

Rick
You damn thief!

Rick kicks the girl in her stomach. She doubles over from the blow. He tries to kick her again but she grabs onto his foot. She suddenly kicks him, making him fall.

Tenem
(laughing)
Rick let the girl go.

The Girl pants and gets up from the ground. Rick got up quickly looking embarrassed and stared at the gravel unable to face Tenem.

Rick
Well? Aren't you going to get going? Hey, and give back the wallet!

The Girl frowns at him.

Girl
Of course I'm going. Here you can have it back. It's not like I need it in the first place.

She throws Tenem's wallet into Tenem's hands. She walks away a few paces.

Tenem
Wait! You're hungry, aren't you? Come inside. I'll treat you.

The girl turns around with her frown still there. She sniffs out loud.

Girl
Fine. It's your treat.

Tenem
(smiling)
This place is mine. I don't need to pay. Come on. Rick, lead the way.

Rick
(frowning)
Sir, are you sure this is alright? She's not very beautiful; quite plain if you ask me.

Tenem
Just bring her Rick. And I'm a little disappointed. You're one of my best man and you don't even realize what a jewel she is.

The Girl follows Tenem and Rick into:

Int. Grub's nightclub

Every tables has one lighted candle. The room is darkened with only small dim lights shining. Girls is flirting with guys on every table. Drinks are littered everywhere on the table. Rick leads Tenem and the Girl into the back entering:

Int. Grub's Hallway

Girl
I thought we're going to get something to eat.

Tenem
We'll eat in my office.

Girl
What office?

Tenem
I want to talk to you, that's all.

Tenem glances back to see if the Girl might be scared, but she isn't. She stares straight at him.

Tenem
You have any family or not?

Girl
No.

Tenem
No relative or anything?

Girl
I'm twenty. I don't need a guardian.

Rick leads them into:

Int. Tenem's office- night

There is a desk at the end of the room with a chair which Tenem takes. There are two other chair next to the door. The Girl takes one of them and sits on the other side of the desk facing Tenem.

Rick
Why you little-

Tenem
It's alright Rick. Tell Cook to make the girl here some food.

Rick
Y-yes sir.

Rick leaves through the office door. He closes it behind him.

Tenem
So, what's your name?

Girl
(smirks)
Name? I don't have a name. I'm a dead person already.

Tenem
You look pretty alive to me.

Girl
I came here to eat, not talk.

Tenem
How about working for me? You don't have a place to stay or anything, do you?

Girl
(disgusted)
You mean work like those sluts out there? I don't plan on it.

Tenem
(smiling)
No. I'm talking about this.

Tenem takes out a gun and smiles because she shows no surprise at all. He slides the gun across the desk. The Girl grabs a hold of it.

Girl
This? Fine. I'll take this.

Tenem
You're pretty quick with your answer. You're not going to regret it later?

Girl
No. This is actually great.

Tenem looks at her curiously. The Girl looks at Tenem without blinking.

Tenem
So... You've killed someone already, right? Dead, are you?

Girl
No. I've never killed anyone before.

Tenem laughs. The Girl doesn't budge at all.

Tenem
And how are you already dead?

Girl
I'll work for you. That's my answer.

A knock comes from the door. Rick enters.

Rick
Cook said to eat in the kitchen.

Tenem
Take her to the kitchen.

Girl
There's no need. I know where it is. We passed it.

Tenem
(smirking)
Mysterious and confident. I like you.

Girl
I don't care if you like me or not. By the way, I'm taking this with me.

The Girl waves the gun and tucks it into her pocket. The Girl leaves the office. Rick walks to Tenem and occupies the seat the Girl sat in.

Rick
There's something about this girl.

Tenem
(grins)
She's burning inside.

Rick
Burning?

Tenem
With anger,with hate. She's burning for revenge.


TO BE CONTINUED

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  #2  
Old 08-08-2008, 05:23 PM
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this is not done in proper script format... i mentor lots of aspiring screenwriters, so email me if you want a format guide and some help getting it to look like an actual screenplay...

love and hugs, maia
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Old 08-09-2008, 12:03 AM
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Oh. For the format it's formatted on the software I write on but when I put it to here the format doesn't stay that way so I try fixing it so it could just be readable here. Thanks mammamaia
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Old 08-09-2008, 04:54 PM
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even given the posting probs, ww, it's still far from properly formatted... here's a sample of how it should be done, the only difference being the dialog margins would be wider than the slug lines' and action element's...

EXT. GRUB'S NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

The street is deserted, rain falls heavily. A late model car stops in front of the club. The liveried DRIVER hops out and opens the back door.

DRIVER

Here we are, Mr. Tenem.

TENEM (age?) gets out slowly. He wears an expensive fur coat and smokes a big cigar. The club's door opens up and RICK comes out holding an umbrella. He's a tough-looking bouncer type.

TENEM

Rick could you hurry up? I'm soaking wet,
as you can see.

Rick rushes to the car and gets the umbrella over Tenem.

RICK
Mr. Tenem...sorry sir!

Tenem shakes his head and walks toward the club's front door, with Rick sticking close. The Driver enters the car and drives away.

TENEM

How's the club?

RICK

It's great sir. More and more are coming in.
The girls are more enthusiastic than a year
ago.

TENEM

(laughs)
Of course they are.

Tenem stops and stares at a GIRL (late teens) who paws through the trash in the dark alley beside the nightclub.[makes no sense, since you have him heading for the front door, so he couldn't see into the alley, could he?] Rick looks at the girl.


...this is the industry-mandated format [except for the dialog margins], so you can see that what you have needs to be corrected to fit the standard, if you hope to have anyone in the industry even bother to look at it... improperly formatted scripts are routinely tossed by agents/producers, considered the work of amateurs who didn't bother to learn the basics, thus not worth their time and trouble to even read...
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Old 08-21-2008, 01:57 AM
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I must also add, alongside with Maia, that when writing a script you should not give so many details.

The final interpretation is up to the director or producer. For example, the line,
Every tables has one lighted candle. The room is darkened with only small dim lights shining. Girls is flirting with guys on every table. Drinks are littered everywhere on the table. Rick leads Tenem and the Girl into the back entering:
...and similar, are far too loaded with information. I suggest something along the lines of
Room dim. Tables messy, and extras flirting.
That's all that's needed.

Then, on the next line or formatted style, you leave the scene descrip. and go to the action.
Rick leads Tenem and the Girl to a room at the back.
That's all needed.
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Old 09-14-2008, 12:47 PM
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Barring a few action lines it reads for the most part like talking heads. The action lines need to compliment and move the story. All unnecesary dialogue should be cut in order to move the story along. More characterization is needed also. An example would be the girl who from the action has attitude (according to the action). Compliment this with body language such as: arms crossed, hands on hips, pursed lips...etc. SynonomousWords covered the rest of the glitches and Mammamaia has great points on format. I like the potential of the story and would like to see the rewrite.
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Old 11-13-2008, 01:29 PM
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I liked the story too, I want to know more about the girl.

@ mammamaia - I'm looking into writing screenplay. I wouldn't mind a format guide if I could tickle you for one . Give me the heads up and I'll send you a mail, if not I wont bother you :P

Nate.
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Old 11-15-2008, 12:55 PM
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You know, you can attach it to the post if you can convert it to a PDF file and as long as it isn't over the limit for the file size.
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