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Epitaph of the Charmer

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  #1  
Old 11-05-2010, 04:19 PM
Fegger (Offline)
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Default Epitaph of the Charmer


Steely eyes:
No lids to mask
Your contempt nor
Fledgling hatred.
Split tongue,
Tasting the ghastly air.
‘Tis only I,
Your emancipator.
Who freed you from
Dark and unknown.
Coiled and writhing
In loneliness, self-pity--
In chaffing wicker.
You arose to my song,
Once.
Out, aired, you took
To fertile, fragrant grasses,
And prospered;
As your will begat strength
And wealth among your kind.
I merely watched, rejoiced
Enabled your slither.
You stare,
Seeking to intimidate.
You believe I fear death;
But this will not become
Your last satisfaction.
I will not lower my head,
Accepting the strike;
But sleep, dream of
All things good;
This is when
My neck will bleed;
No tears shall be shed
As venom channels quickly
To stop my heart.
Hastily you will seek
To consume me,
Eradicating all memory;
While the vile of my soul
Poisons you internally.
I, live in my dreams and
I am immortal.
The wicker remains yours
To cry for my successor.

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  #2  
Old 11-05-2010, 04:41 PM
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I wish I could give you some constructive criticism but I'm afraid I can't find a fault in this piece.

You have a very distinct style which draws me to your work.

I'm afraid somebody more advanced than me will have to give you some tips all I can say is well done.

Cheers
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Old 11-05-2010, 05:24 PM
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I enjoyed this one alot. I saw it as the illusion of power (power struggle) between the serpent and his charmer. (though I could be way off)
Split tongue,

Tasting the ghastly air.
Good imagery, very sinister.

It seems to have some biblical tones as well...
Out, aired, you took

To fertile, fragrant grasses,

And prospered;

As your will begat strength

And wealth among your kind.
... I couldn't quite grasp it. A beautiful poem nonetheless.
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Old 11-05-2010, 05:42 PM
Fegger (Offline)
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Hey stellar...umm, let's just suppose, umm, for demonstration's sake, uhhh, that this was, ummm, a woman and, well, uhhhh, I may have, uhhhhh gotten married. ( If cornered, I will neither confirm nor deny these self-imposed allegations of professed truths)---I'm just sayin', for demonstration/entertainment value that this may be the inspiration.

If I recall correctly, my wife had asked me to empty the 'wicker' trash basket in MY writing room about 10 times one day...this was my 'poetic tangent'...and, 'yes', I've nominated her for several 'sainthood' positions!
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Old 11-05-2010, 07:59 PM
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HAHA! Thanks, that helps alot.
very funny (hope you don't get cornered)
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  #6  
Old 11-06-2010, 03:18 AM
Nadja
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very effective imagery here. The sense of venom is overpowering...
'Epitaph' of the charmer sounds particularly ominous!
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