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Tinmen Part 4 (Adult language and themes, violence)

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Old 01-16-2013, 01:51 PM
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Icon1 Tinmen Part 4 (Adult language and themes, violence)


This is a science fiction romance. There is adult language and themes. IF I include a love scene, it will likely be alluded to when posted here, but edited out, and I may decide to post just the deleted scene in the Adult Content forum.

Roughly 1,200 words

Part 1 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43517
Part 2 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43518
Part 3 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43529

(In part 1: We were 'introduced' to a cyborg, who does not know who he was/is. We also met a lab technician named Kat who was working on him. As well as another man name Jack, who it Kat's significant other.
In part 2: Kat discovers that the cyborg is not like other cyborgs and could be one of the first successful attempts at creating cyborgs. We also meet ex-Warrant Officer Maximilian Smeede.
In part 3: After trying to render the cyborg harmless, we learn that he will die if he is not returned to the dangerous armor, but it is decided that he will be left to die.)


____ The door opened and Kat came inside, looking sullen, she tried to offer him a smile, but cried instead, “I'm so sorry,” her hands came up to cover her face, “I tried.”
____ “Shhh. I know,” he said as he moved to embrace her, but stopped when the interior guards snapped their guns around, pointing them at him. Moving back from her, he raised his hands to show he understood. “I could never be trusted, I could never trust myself. They controlled me once, they could do it again. It's better this way, Kat.”
____ She looked at him incredulously, her brows drawn high, “Better? You're going to die!”
____ He shrugged a little, “Better than living as their slave,” he swallowed hard, his emotions welling up, “Better than being a danger to you.”
____ Kat rushed him, hugging him, “You're not like that and you don't know what would happen!”
____ Even as she spoke the guards came forward a little, talking over her, “Ma'am, step back from the prisoner,” they repeated it and variations a few times.
____ “FUCK OFF!” she yelled at them, “He's not a danger to me, to us! Do you understand that he is choosing to die rather than risk harming us? He has less than half an hour to live! Jesus!”
____ The two soldiers conferred silently, then returned to their positions.
____ It hurt so badly to hold her. It felt so good to hold her.
____ “May I kiss you?” he whispered.
____ Her tearful eyes turned up to him, her head lifting away from his chest, but instead of speaking, her arms slid up around his neck and she raised herself up on her toes, stretching towards his lips.
____ Their lips met, softly, slowly, exploring the feel and taste of one another. He had never known a sweeter moment.
____ “Thank you.”
____ “Oh God,” she whimpered, “please stop thanking me. It makes it sound like I was doing you a favor. I wanted to kiss you. Why? I have no damned idea, but I did... and I do. Could this be any more tragic?”
____ His lips curled into a smile, “Yes. You could have kissed me as a favor.”
____ Kat chuckled softly, then sighed and rested her head on his chest, holding him tightly.
____ Long moments passed in silence, “I promise, I won't tell Jack,” he grinned, the expression feeling good on his face.
____ Chuckling again, Kat shook her head, “You won't have to, I will.”
____ He frowned a little, “Maybe you shouldn't. I do not think he would approve.”
____ “Can we not talk about Jack?” Kat looked at him again.
____ “Whatever you want,” he brushed back that gorgeous strand of hair, the feel of it against his skin was delicious.
____ Her voice was barely more than a squeak, “I want you to live.”
____ “So do I. I will die free, Kat, and... with... love?”
____ Tears rolled down her cheeks as she nodded.
____ His breaking heart soared.


____ Her eyes were swollen and red as she moved to stand before Max's desk, “He is offline. He will stop breathing soon and die.”
____ “Have a seat, Kat,” Max said gently. She hesitated but then complied, so Max continued, “They think they have a viable cyborg at Crosswood. You leave at O six hundred tomorrow. It is a third gen Hunter, so your schematics should be accurate. We need this, Kat. We need to be able to hit them as hard as they have been hitting us.”
____ She had been taken aback at the notion of working on another cyborg, considering his body wasn't even cold yet, but she knew the truth of the situation, so she nodded, first to herself and then to Max. “Yes, Sir.”
____ An explosion shook the underground complex, then another. Men shouted and ran. They were under attack. The UANM had found them.


____ Jack dropped his weight on the armor, hammering the latch closed with his fist, then he sagged back against the wall, struggling to breathe. “Wake up, you bastard!” he said with more feeling than volume as he stared at the motionless cyborg and prayed that it wasn't too late. It had taken a lot out of him to lay on the ground until the UANM had collected what they wanted and left, his life blood spilling from him all the while, soaking the ground around the shrubs he had fallen into when shot. He had known the situation was dire, the UANM overran the resistance base, his one thought had been of rescue for Kat.


____ 'System restart complete. System check complete. Charging secondary power cells. Secondary power cells charge level: 10% Primary systems activated. Defensive systems activated. Weapon systems activated.'
____ The damage and functionality report informed him of the damage to his head and helm, of locks that needed maintenance, of openings in his skin and missing beacons.
____ Again he saw a list of objectives.
____ He turned his head and saw Jack slumped nearby, one hand over a wound in his side, the blood having left a long and wide stain down his leg.
____ “Tell me I didn't just fuck up,” Jack struggled to speak, exhausted after having drug the armor in and put the cyborg back into it.
____ He sat up and looked at his armor clad body, he felt a deep sense of regret, but clearly something had happened here and his regret at being inside of this mobile prison took a distant second to his concern for Kat.
____ “Where is Kat?”
____ “They took her. Go get her. Save her,” Jack focused on breathing.
____ “Where?” he stood, the soft whirring of the powered suit sounding loud to his ears.
____ “Fort Reagan, probably,” he sucked in a hard won breath, “Save her.”
____ “I will,” he said with a conviction he felt all the way to his metal reinforced bones as Jack died.


____ He wanted to rush after her, but knew better. He needed intel, he needed a plan. They were smart, they had destroyed maps, destroyed communication and encryption devices, when the tide turned against them. Going back to Jack's body, he found two maps, though the maps were cryptic in nature, having a alphanumeric system instead of coordinates or names. He studied them then destroyed them.
____ Finding his way to the exit, he stepped out into the morning light, feeling none of its warmth inside his armor.
____ 'Acquiring network connection. Connection established. Authenticating Host. Authentication valid. Routing to Control Net Alpha. Connection established. Processing Directives. …'
____ He tried frantically to stop the whole process, but was unable to do more than fumble through menus before the up-link was completed.
____ 'Extraction team dispatched. Estimated time of arrival: 1 hour 22 minutes.'
____ His heart sank. Pulling up a map of the region, now that his GPS told him where he was, he saw the location of Fort Reagan and a plan began to form.
____ Off to his right he saw the matte finish of metal armor glinting in the sun. The man inside was dead, a hole big enough to put his arm through was in the cyborg's chest. He released the back of the cyborg's helm and put it on, completing his own armor.
____ He received coordinates for the extraction after his functionality report had been processed by Alpha Control. A few moments later he was on his way to the designated location, after having taken the time to refill and recharge his weapons using the dead cyborg's ammunition.

----
Tinmen part 5: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43713
I will be posting the future parts on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, one per day.

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Last edited by MightieMousie; 01-18-2013 at 05:47 PM..
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Old 01-16-2013, 05:32 PM
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Really good read, looking forward to the next.
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Old 01-16-2013, 07:43 PM
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Thank you, Dazzo! The next part will come on Monday.
Trying space them out nicely over the week.
MM
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Old 01-17-2013, 01:28 PM
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The more I read the more I want to read.

Very well written MightieMousie
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Old 01-19-2013, 10:36 AM
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Thank you, LA GOBFREY! That is a wonderful compliment!

MM
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:58 PM
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Mightie,
Man, this chick's got the loyalty mojo goin' on! They're dying for her, they're living for her...wish you could bottle that stuff.

Good episode but I may have missed something. It sounds like Jack is outside all the while but isn't (you know who) supposed to be fading away in a cell or detainment room somewhere?

I liked that uplink scene near the end. If I'm getting it right, he WANTS to be picked up...YES?

If so, great idea if not well...nevermind. Hehehe
Abdula
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:06 PM
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Abdula,

lol @ bottle. Thank you for the chuckle!

Jack was outside when he was shot, then he came back inside and put the cyborg into his armor.
Such an innocent question... and yet you helped me find a major issue with the events of the story. I have come up with a solution to the problem, not sure if I want to edit it here though. We'll see... not sure if I want to insert another scene in this post.

The major issue is why did the UNAM leave a cyborg and his armor at the rebel base? The answer is that the UNAM sent cyborgs into the base to search for information and any survivors who would not soon die without medical attention. Without the suit of armor, our cyborg qualified to be overlooked as did Jack.

Initially he did not want to be picked up, at least it was not his plan, but when the uplink happened, he decided to go with it, not having many other choices.

Thank you so very much for your comments and questions!
MM
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:05 PM
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____ “FUCK OFF!” she yelled at them, “He's not a danger to me, to us! Do you understand that he is choosing to die rather than risk harming us? He has less than half an hour to live! Jesus!”
____ The two soldiers conferred silently, then returned to their positions.

Yeah, Bob, you're being kind of a dick. He is dying for us."

"Shut up, Steve, I'm following orders ..."


____ It hurt so badly to hold her. It felt so good to hold her. good writing there.
____ “May I kiss you?” he whispered.
____ Her tearful eyes turned up to him, her head lifting away from his chest, but instead of speaking, her arms slid up around his neck and she raised herself up on her toes, stretching towards his lips.
____ Their lips met, softly, slowly, exploring the feel and taste of one another. He had never known a sweeter moment.
____ “Thank you.”
____ “Oh God,” she whimpered, “please stop thanking me. It makes it sound like I was doing you a favor. I wanted to kiss you. Why? I have no damned idea, but I did... and I do. Could this be any more tragic?”
____ His lips curled into a smile, “Yes. You could have kissed me as a favor.”
____ Kat chuckled softly, then sighed and rested her head on his chest, holding him tightly.
____ Long moments passed in silence, “I promise, I won't tell Jack,” he grinned, the expression feeling good on his face.

Yeah! Screw that guy!

____ Chuckling again, Kat shook her head, “You won't have to, I will.”
____ He frowned a little, “Maybe you shouldn't. I do not think he would approve.”
____ “Can we not talk about Jack?” Kat looked at him again.
____ “Whatever you want,” he brushed back that gorgeous strand of hair, the feel of it against his skin was delicious.
____ Her voice was barely more than a squeak, “I want you to live.”
____ “So do I. I will die free, Kat, and... with... love?”
____ Tears rolled down her cheeks as she nodded.
____ His breaking heart soared.


____ Her eyes were swollen and red as she moved to stand before Max's desk, “He is offline. He will stop breathing soon and die.”
____ “Have a seat, Kat,” Max said gently. She hesitated but then complied, so Max continued, “They think they have a viable cyborg at Crosswood. You leave at O six hundred tomorrow. It is a third gen Hunter, so your schematics should be accurate. We need this, Kat. We need to be able to hit them as hard as they have been hitting us.”
____ She had been taken aback at the notion of working on another cyborg, considering his body wasn't even cold yet, but she knew the truth of the situation, so she nodded, first to herself and then to Max. “Yes, Sir.”
____ An explosion shook the underground complex, then another. Men shouted and ran. They were under attack. The UANM had found them.


____ Jack dropped his weight on the armor, hammering the latch closed with his fist, then he sagged back against the wall, struggling to breathe. “Wake up, you bastard!” he said with more feeling than volume as he stared at the motionless cyborg and prayed that it wasn't too late. It had taken a lot out of him to lay on the ground until the UANM had collected what they wanted and left, his life blood spilling from him all the while, soaking the ground around the shrubs he had fallen into when shot. He had known the situation was dire, the UANM overran the resistance base, his one thought had been of rescue for Kat.


____ 'System restart complete. System check complete. Charging secondary power cells. Secondary power cells charge level: 10% Primary systems activated. Defensive systems activated. Weapon systems activated.'

Whoooooo! how much you wanna bet 10% is all he needs?

____ The damage and functionality report informed him of the damage to his head and helm, of locks that needed maintenance, of openings in his skin and missing beacons.
____ Again he saw a list of objectives.
____ He turned his head and saw Jack slumped nearby, one hand over a wound in his side, the blood having left a long and wide stain down his leg.
____ “Tell me I didn't just fuck up,” Jack struggled to speak, exhausted after having drug the armor in and put the cyborg back into it.

Good line there.
____ He sat up and looked at his armor clad body, he felt a deep sense of regret, but clearly something had happened here and his regret at being inside of this mobile prison took a distant second to his concern for Kat.
____ “Where is Kat?”
____ “They took her. Go get her. Save her,” Jack focused on breathing.
____ “Where?” he stood, the soft whirring of the powered suit sounding loud to his ears.
____ “Fort Reagan, probably,” he sucked in a hard won breath, “Save her.”
____ “I will,” he said with a conviction he felt all the way to his metal reinforced bones as Jack died.


____ He wanted to rush after her, but knew better. He needed intel, he needed a plan. They were smart, they had destroyed maps, destroyed communication and encryption devices, when the tide turned against them. Going back to Jack's body, he found two maps, though the maps were cryptic in nature, having a alphanumeric system instead of coordinates or names. He studied them then destroyed them.
____ Finding his way to the exit, he stepped out into the morning light, feeling none of its warmth inside his armor.
____ 'Acquiring network connection. Connection established. Authenticating Host. Authentication valid. Routing to Control Net Alpha. Connection established. Processing Directives. …'
____ He tried frantically to stop the whole process, but was unable to do more than fumble through menus before the up-link was completed.
____ 'Extraction team dispatched. Estimated time of arrival: 1 hour 22 minutes.'
____ His heart sank. Pulling up a map of the region, now that his GPS told him where he was, he saw the location of Fort Reagan and a plan began to form.
____ Off to his right he saw the matte finish of metal armor glinting in the sun. The man inside was dead, a hole big enough to put his arm through was in the cyborg's chest. I'd get rid of the word "Was" in that sentence. Makes it sound better. He released the back of the cyborg's helm and put it on, completing his own armor.
____ He received coordinates for the extraction after his functionality report had been processed by Alpha Control. A few moments later he was on his way to the designated location, after having taken the time to refill and recharge his weapons using the dead cyborg's ammunition.

----
Tinmen part 5: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43713
I will be posting the future parts on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, one per day.[/QUOTE]

I would have done an extra scene where Jack got wounded. It's too much drama to pass up in my opinion.

But very cool. WE got a futuristic Broomhilda folktale thing going on here. (Saw Django a while back, awesome!)

Big standout here is the dynamic between the cyborg and Kat. Good dynamic but also a lot of potential for a good pairing. YOu got brawn and brains there.

Again, I don't feel comfortable trying to erase this, but maybe next time I'll review it on my PC, I think it's the mac giving me problems.

5 stars.
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:10 AM
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As usual, Thank you, Rooster! Gave me a few chuckles!

Jack getting wounded: I had thought about it, but decided since Jack was about to be dead and had not had much 'screen' time that I would not be terribly dramatic, since there is virtually no emotional investment in that character. I'll take another look at it though.

Hope you get the PC/Mac thing sorted out.

Thank you,
MM
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