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Tinmen Part 6 (Adult language and themes, violence)

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Old 01-21-2013, 06:54 PM
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Icon1 Tinmen Part 6 (Adult language and themes, violence)


This is a science fiction romance. There is adult language and themes. IF I include a love scene, it will likely be alluded to when posted here, but edited out, and I may decide to post just the deleted scene in the Adult Content forum.

Roughly 1,900 words

Part 1 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43517
Part 2 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43518
Part 3 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43529
Part 4 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43673
Part 5 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43713

(In part 1: We were 'introduced' to a cyborg, who does not know who he was/is. We also met a lab technician named Kat who was working on him. As well as another man name Jack, who it Kat's significant other.
In part 2: Kat discovers that the cyborg is not like other cyborgs and could be one of the first successful attempts at creating cyborgs. We also meet ex-Warrant Officer Maximilian Smeede.
In part 3: After trying to render the cyborg harmless, we learn that he will die if he is not returned to the dangerous armor, but it is decided that he will be left to die.
In part 4: The base has been attacked, Kat and others taken away as hostages and Jack puts the cyborg back into his armor, before Jack dies.
In part 5: Our cyborg infiltrates an enemy base and finds an ally.)


____ The man waited patiently for him to finish going through system start up, then donning his armor.
____ “You're functioning through direct menu access, aren't you?” Warner asked knowingly.
____ “Yes.”
____ “Yeah. I had a look at your schematics. What a mess. Your SINIM was a subchip on your control module.”
____ The cyborg frowned at him.
____ “SINIM, System Interface Neural Impulse Module,” Warner pulled a wetchip encased in clear plastic from his pocket, “They are no longer integrated. It will give you instant access to your abilities and full knowledge of what you can do.”
____ That sounded like a good thing if ever he had heard one.
____ “We have to get to work on you, if I fall behind in my remods and retro fits, someone will notice,” Warner moved to the door, “Let's get you back to the lab so I can put this baby in you. I have a few other things I can do to help you too.”


____ It wasn't long before he was shut down, again.


____ This time when he awoke, there was no text in front of his eyes, but he knew what had taken place in the course of his startup. His armor felt strange too. Risking being noticed, he lifted his hand and looked at it, the armor was shaped differently, sleeker, more articulated.
____ Warner's voice was low, “Top of the line. They won't look twice at you when you board the prisoner transport. I modified a Delta Control Module. They will think you are connected and functioning as long as you do what it tells you to, but you have the option to obey or not. I also replaced several wetchips with better designs. Your internal power system will last about twice as long now, less draw on it, but new fuel cells too. You have better weapons now too.
____ “It's the best I could come up with. I figured dealing with an armed transport would be better than an armed base. I contacted them, if you can wait for the right location, they will assist you. Coordinates are marked on your global map. They want them back as much as... almost as much as you do,” he moved to a console and typed in something, “I am holding you here for testing so you don't get deployed elsewhere right before the transport leaves. Take off your right glove.”
____ He frowned, but did as Warner requested.
____ Glancing up before he turned back around to face him, Warner took his hand and shook it, then let it go, “Good luck, Sergeant Keenan.”
____ His breath caught in his throat, “Is that my name? Who I am... was?” Before he could make his mouth form the words, Warner spoke.
____ “I uploaded your service file to your Collected Data folder, just in case there were some blanks.”
____ “Thank you,” he sounded as choked up as he felt.
____ Warner grimaced as he spoke and made a gesture with his hand asking him to keep it down.
____ He was already pouring over the file. Vincent Albert Keenan. A.K.A. Brags.
____ Devouring the information, he felt a strange mix of relief and dismay. No memories came to him, not even a hint of familiarity, only that Max's guess of Brax had not been far off.


____ In a few hours he would be on a transport with her, no matter how it turned out, his gratitude towards Warner was immense. But one thing was bothering him. He waited until they were alone together.
____ “Won't they be able to figure out you helped me?”
____ He smiled a little weakly, “Hopefully I won't be here by the time they do,” Warner looked up at him, “I'm leaving right after you do. Personal Leave. They decided that it was worth blowing my cover to rescue them and I can be of use in reprogramming cy...” he stopped, unsure how to go on without being callus.
____ “Cyborgs,” Brags supplied.
____ “Yeah.”
____ “Can they be given autonomy?”
____ Warner shook his head, “The way they are altered now, there's no way to give them back control... even if they could live with the knowledge.”
____ He frowned but let it go for now. “How did you get into this?” Brags gestured to the lab in general.
____ Warner heaved a sigh, “My Dad helped develop the wetchips that make it possible to create cyborgs. That was the furthest thing he had in mind though. He did it to help paralysis victims, amputees, the blind, the deaf. Being able to bypass parts of the brain or spine, replace damaged tissues with electronic parts, to let people lead more normal lives. He didn't imagine that they would use it to make soldiers.
____ “My Dad was one of the first members of the resistance, before it was a 'resistance,' when it was just a group of people disgusted by what was being done with their work. He died feeling like a failure. One of the most significant medical breakthroughs and he felt like he was the villain because he couldn't stop them from making people into puppets,” he snorted softly. “I told them that I wanted in because my Dad made me swear to be involved. The truth is,” Warner looked at Brags earnestly, “it scares me. Where will they stop? How long until it isn't just wounded soldiers? How long before it becomes everyone? Until they can observe everything you see, hear, say, feel, think? Until they can commandeer your body at will? Make you into a soldier whether you wanted to be one or not? Make you do something that will get you killed, just because they decided you were the closest person to some danger?” He shook his head, “No, I had to do this. My Dad may not have been able to guess what was coming, but having seen the beginning, I don't want to see what they think is the end.”
____ “How many, like me, are left? Ones that could be freed,” Brags asked after a few moments of silence.
____ Warner sighed and gave him a rueful smile, “You're the only one left.”
____ He was surprised by how much that knowledge had hurt him.
____ “How have you dealt with it, being a cyborg?” Warner revisited the topic without Brags having to bring it back up.
____ Several moments passed, then Brags shook his head, “I'm not sure that I have. Since I woke up there have been things to deal with, one crisis after another,” he had intended to stop there but went on, “and her.”
____ Warner thought about asking how she felt about him being a cyborg, but decided against it, partially out of kindness, but also out of fear. If Brags didn't already know how she felt, planting the doubt might push the autonomous cyborg over the edge.
____ Warner needn't have been afraid, Brags was already worried, wondering if there was a future for him with Kat, or if she had been doing him a favor after all.


____ They were bound, hands together, feet together, linked to a belly chain. They were blindfolded, their ears covered. The only positive was that they also wore ballistic vests. Aside from that, they would be helpless, sitting ducks, when the rescue began in earnest.
____ Warner had been right, no one gave him a second look, but it was everything he could do to keep his head forward, the urge to look at her was tremendous. He wanted to go to her, hold her, tell her he was there, that he would get her out of there, safe and sound. She had looked so fragile and small when he had climbed into the armored truck.
____ The time went by so slowly, he had thought the wait in the lab with Warner had seemed long, now it seemed as if time barely progressed at all. When they passed over a particularly rough section of road, Brags helped the bounce of the truck turn him on his seat so that he could see her in his peripheral vision. It was a small comfort.


____ They entered the area marked on his global map. He heard the incoming artillery shell, but so did the other cyborg inside the truck with him, they both grabbed their seats, bracing for impact. The truck lifted into the air and tilted far to the left. Brags let go and let himself fall towards the other cyborg. As the other cyborg stuck out its arms to assist Brags, his own arms came out, grabbing the head of the cyborg. He wrenched it around far to the side, then shoved the helm down against the cyborg's chest. The sound of crunching bones was masked by the protests of metal. By the time the truck hit the ground and began to sway back to the right, Brags was firing powerful tranquilizer rounds into the soldiers.
____ Outside the battle was on in full, inside Brags was cutting their bonds so they could arm themselves with the soldier's weapons. Kat pulled the blindfold and ear covers off of her head, looking scared and confused. He wanted to tell her who he was, but the doors were being blasted open, she could not have heard him, then they were being frantically beckoned out of the vehicle. It was not going as well with the other two transport trucks, the cyborgs within them were mowing down the attackers, since the attackers were afraid to use powerful weapons against them, fearing they would kill the people they were trying to save.
____ Brags watched her go, running for her life, running towards the safety of cover, before he turned his attention to the nearest cyborg. He was not afraid. His targeting was superior. They fell before him one by one. They were too close to the detention camp though, reinforcements were on their way. Brags looked in the direction she had gone and decided to stand and fight, to try to give her more time to get away. Seconds seemed like minutes as time dilated. The remaining prisoners were running, the resistance retreating.
____ As he watched the choppers draw nearer another idea came to him. One more glance the way she had gone, then he took off running in the opposite direction. He used his up-link to request an air strike on a large stand of trees ahead of him. He raised his arms and aimed his weapons at the trees, then began to fire off some of his showier weapons.
____ For the most part it worked, choppers zeroed in on the trees and began hammering them, but a few of them peeled off to scan the area. Brags ran on, listening to the com chatter, praying he would not hear of an enemy sighting. When the planes arrived he was still firing into the trees, standing back a ways, hoping a stray bomb wouldn't take him out. A little while later he received the order to stand down. It seemed that she had gotten away. He wondered what he should do next. Brags wanted to leave, try to find her, but with several choppers landing near him, and orders coming in for him to support the search team, he feared that if he disobeyed now that they might figure out that he was rogue and widen their search.
____ Taking comfort in the thought that she had gotten away, Brags reported for duty.

---
Part 7 is here: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=43840

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Last edited by MightieMousie; 01-23-2013 at 05:48 PM..
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Old 01-21-2013, 07:48 PM
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Well written. Totally engrossed in the story.
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Old 01-22-2013, 11:22 AM
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Mousie,
Very nice installment, the movie-driven Geek Force is definitely with you!

I like your selection of terms like time dilating and ballistic instead of bullet-proof or Kevlar, good choices.

...It will give you instant access to your abilities and full knowledge of what you can do... - mmm UPGRADES!

...Brags helped the bounce of the truck turn him on his seat so that he could see her in his peripheral vision. It was a small comfort...interesting detail

I did notice something that was surprising. I expected that you might go into a little detail on the hostages' reaction to seeing this turncoat cyborg freeing then protecting them. Was this a tactical move on your part?

Anyway, the hits keep coming...
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Old 01-22-2013, 12:55 PM
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Dazzo,

Thank you very much! I hope I can continue to hold your interest.

---
Abdula,

Dilating is mine... ballistic is wikipedia. I had flack jacket there right before I posted it to this forum. I was rereading the section and my brain stuttered over the word, think it sounded very dated. So I looked it up. Flack jackets were not meant for protection against bullets, one link away was my answer... ballistic vests!

Upgrades - Yes, I had to keep him from fumbling through text menus. "Hold on! I will shoot you as soon as I can find the right icon, damnit!"... That just wouldn't work for me.

Interesting detail - I kept thinking about him having to mimic the other cyborgs and how they would be face-front only until given a command or a situation came along that was within their programming.

Turncoat cyborg - I was trying to keep the scene fast, so it felt like it all happened in seconds, though ultimately it did get bogged down with his thoughts. I may either edit in reactions or strip the scene down so it feels fast, probably the latter... since flying lead does not generally inspire chit chat.
- I will say that they were surprised, but not dumbfounded. The resistance has reprogrammed UANM cyborgs before, just not many, and few have survived.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment on my story!
I'm on the look out for your next posting. Any hints as to what it will be?

MM
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Old 01-29-2013, 06:21 PM
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The man waited patiently for him to finish going through system start up, then donning his armor.

SO WHAT DOES HE HAVE? THE PC LOADING ICON OR THE APPLE ONE?
___
____ “We have to get to work on you, if I fall behind in my remods and retro fits, someone will notice,” Warner moved to the door, “Let's get you back to the lab so I can put this baby in you. I have a few other things I can do to help you too.”

LAST SENTENCE IS A LITTLE BIT CLUMBSY NOT A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE IT'S DIALOUGE AND IN REAL LIFE PEOPLE DON'T TALK SMOOTHLY ALL THE TIME. BUT FOR SAKE OF POMP, HOW ABOUT THIS:

LET'S GET BACK TO THE LAB SO I CAN PUT THIS BABY IN YOU. MAYBE WRANGLE UP SOME QUICK UPGRADES AS WELL.



____ It wasn't long before he was shut down, again.


____ This time when he awoke, there was no text in front of his eyes, but he knew what had taken place in the course of his startup. His armor felt strange too. Risking being noticed, he lifted his hand and looked at it, the armor was shaped differently, sleeker, more articulated.

nice use of the word articulated. I didn't know it could be used like that until i looked it up.


____ Warner's voice was low, YOU MEAN QUIET? OR BASEY?“Top of the line. They won't look twice at you when you board the prisoner transport. I modified a Delta Control Module. They will think you are connected and functioning as long as you do what it tells you to, but you have the option to obey or not. I also replaced several wetchips with better designs. Your internal power system will last about twice as long now, less draw on it, but new fuel cells too. You have better weapons now too.
____
____ Warner heaved a sigh, “My Dad helped develop the wetchips that make it possible to create cyborgs. That was the furthest thing he had in mind though. He did it to help paralysis victims, amputees, the blind, the deaf. Being able to bypass parts of the brain or spine, replace damaged tissues with electronic parts, to let people lead more normal lives. He didn't imagine that they would use it to make soldiers.

REMINDS ME OF THAT MITCHEL AND WEBB SKETCH. THAT'S PRETTY COOL, SOUNDS LIKE A REALISTIC WAY OF GOING ABOUT THINGS. SOMETHING THAT COULD HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE.
____
____ Warner thought about asking how she felt about him being a cyborg, but decided against it, partially out of kindness, but also out of fear. If Brags didn't already know how she felt, planting the doubt might push the autonomous cyborg over the edge.

FAIR QUESTION. WHY IS SHE SO ATTRACTED TO HIM? IS IT BECAUSE SHE'S A SCIENTIST AND THIS KIND OF THING IS RIGHT UP HER ALLEY ANYWAY?

DOES THIS GUY LOOK LIKE BRAD PITT IN THE 90'S?

DID THAT LAST SENTENCE SAY WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT ME?

ALL QUESTIONS I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ANSWERED BEFORE THIS SERIES IS OVER.

EXCEPT THAT LAST ONE. WE CAN FORGET ABOUT THAT LAST ONE.

____ Warner needn't have been afraid, Brags was already worried, wondering if there was a future for him with Kat, or if she had been doing him a favor after all.


____ They were bound, hands together, feet together, linked to a belly chain. They were blindfolded, their ears covered. The only positive was that they also wore ballistic vests. Aside from that, they would be helpless, sitting ducks, when the rescue began in earnest.

BELLY CHAIN? IS THAT A THING?
___
____ For the most part it worked, choppers zeroed in on the trees and began hammering them, but a few of them peeled off to scan the area. Brags ran on, listening to the com chatter, praying he would not hear of an enemy sighting. When the planes arrived he was still firing into the trees, standing back a ways, hoping a stray bomb wouldn't take him out. MAYBE NOT STRAY BOMB? STRAY MISSLE? A little while later he received the order to stand down. It seemed that she had gotten away. He wondered what he should do next. Brags wanted to leave, try to find her, but with several choppers landing near him, and orders coming in for him to support the search team, he feared that if he disobeyed now that they might figure out that he was rogue and widen their search.
____ Taking comfort in the thought that she had gotten away, Brags reported for duty.



Wow. Better man than I am. I would have left. Then again, he loves that girl and I only love myself.

Man, that 's depressing.

Alright, real quick criticism here, setting and descritpion are really kept to a minimum. Coming from me, that people may think that funny but I do think more time could be spent putting the reader in the world.

But the story makes up for it. It's in a genre that I like and how could you not root for this guy, LITERALLY fighting for the woman he loves.

dialouge is your stregnth. just like spelling isn't mine. often times how a character gets someplace or where that place is vague but quickly forgiven by the conversation that follows. that's my experiance as a reader anyway.

Good installment. gonna be interesting now that she's free. He's gonna need to come up with a new plan. I hope he's watched stripes.
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Old 01-29-2013, 07:31 PM
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Rooster,

He has the Ubuntu gear icon. Kidding, of course.

Wrangle... hmm... not really in Warner's vocab. lol So he's not the most eloquent.

Articulated: lol One is glad to be of service.

Yes, I mean quiet... I get sick of using some words, whisper and quiet are often on that list. Thanks for the catch.

FAIR QUESTION. WHY IS SHE SO ATTRACTED TO HIM? IS IT BECAUSE SHE'S A SCIENTIST AND THIS KIND OF THING IS RIGHT UP HER ALLEY ANYWAY?

DOES THIS GUY LOOK LIKE BRAD PITT IN THE 90'S?

DID THAT LAST SENTENCE SAY WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT ME?

ALL QUESTIONS I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ANSWERED BEFORE THIS SERIES IS OVER.

EXCEPT THAT LAST ONE. WE CAN FORGET ABOUT THAT LAST ONE.
She a tinker toy gal and she wants to play with his erector set.
As for Brad Pitt... all I can say is that some men are just too damned pretty.

Belly chain: Wikipedia.org - Belly chain

Yes, missile is better. Thank you!

Alright, real quick criticism here, setting and descritpion are really kept to a minimum.
*Grumbles* I know... *pouts* I was hoping no one would notice!
Oddly enough I used to go WAY overboard when it came to descriptions. Role playing via instant chat cured me of that and now I see it went too far. My describer has been amputated. I wonder if I can get a cybernetic one implanted?
This is a first draft and once I have finished writing the story, I know I need to go back in a flesh it out with the appropriate senses, including sight. So this is what my first drafts look like, just the bits I need to keep things straight, the rest will come later.

I hope he's watched stripes.
I'm not sure that the spatula treatment or razzel-dazzel will help him much.

Thank you again, Rooster! Always great to hear from you, with your fabulous humor and the things you catch!
MM
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Old 01-30-2013, 05:46 AM
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You have created an intriguing world with your stories of the distant future. Hopefully I will find time to go back and read it from the beginning but for now I can only say that I am slowly being drawn in to your fictional creation.

It is obviously that you are a skilled writer who deserves to be read.
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Old 01-30-2013, 03:24 PM
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HgejSCHRi8

found the mitchel and webb sketch...

if only harper's dad was this clever ...
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:59 PM
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Rooster,

Doom melon... still needs some work. LOL

----

oldron,

Thank you.
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