War games

[PickleBottom]

I was sitting at home today and I received a phone call that all writers are waiting for. But first of all, behind the scenes, unbeknownst to me, the following events were taking place...

Producer 1 - Oh noes! We need our ad for Great Heroes Army figurines out next week and our writer just shot himself
Producer 2 - Fuck me (later)! How about we just hire one of the hacks
Producer 1 - Great idea about the fucking and the hacks <sorts through a pile of unopened envelopes>, here's one, "Dear sir blah blah blah Love Ignatius Picklebottom", yep he'll do"
<if they actually read the letter, they would have noted I wrote, Dear sir, your plastic figurines are toxic and most probably painted with lead, you are creating a generation of retarded and toxic children. Love Ignatius Picklebottom>

But back to the phone conversation, "Ignatius this is <douche bag> from crattel"
And I'm all like, "C'mon guys your lawyers have already told me.."
And he's all like, "Yeah yeah yeah, but we need you to write an ad for a line of Great Heroes Army figurines"

What follows below is my first attempt, please let me know if you have any criticisms;

<little boy has three figurines in front of him, two have hoods on and the third is kneeling in front of a toy camera> the little boy states, "capitalist pigs! This is what happens to you when you mess with Commie-Muslims"
<one of the hooded figurines takes a serrated knife, but before he can act the child pushes a button on the back of one of the hooded individuals causing a spring mechanism to make the hooded figurine's head explode and the room is instantly filled with Great Heroes Army figurines> "Take that motherfucker!" Yells one of the heroes

<the remainder of them train their weapons on the last hooded figurine> the child makes the voice for this individual, "you won't catch me" but before he can move the child presses a button on his back and he is instantly peppered with holes.

<The kneeling individual sighs with relief, and then the child states> "Thank Christ! You guys got here just in time! But look out!"

<behind the Great Heroes figurines three refugee figurines are trying to seek asylum in another country, five of the Great Heroes figurines commando roll to block the refugees from a sanctuary, and the child states> "where do you think you're going scumbags!?!"

The refugees respond, "we're just trying to seek sanctuary in another country"

One of the Great Heroes figurines called 'Mack' states, "I know Commie-Muslims when I see one, the only sanctuary you're going to get is within a detention centre... Motherfuckers!"

Then the slogan for the toy smashes into the TV screen, breaking the glass, and a voice screams out, "Buy Great Heroes Army figurines or you're a Commie-Muslim!"

[PickleBottom]

So I heard the response with regards to my manuscript today, apparently Standards and Practice accepts Commie-Muslim, decapitation, violence, non-empathy, but could not accept a child using the term "motherfucker", apparently "scumbag" was ok because the term was directed towards refugees.

[spshane]

an interwsting tKe! I like it. And have you heard how much kids cuss these days?

[PickleBottom]

After the success of my first ad an advertising company wants me to do some "copy" for a cruise liner. I've never been on a cruise ship before so I looked up some pictures on Google images and most had semi-naked hot women tanning themselves on the deck. So I chose the option in Google to remove "advertised" and "doctored" images and then I saw the real clientele, the kind of guys who would creep on the suntanning girls. It seems the patrons of cruise ships are actually all old and fat. Here's what I've come up with;

A large male elephant seal is sunning itself on a pile of rock in the middle of the ocean. A bigger elephant seal emerges from the ocean and waddles up the rock. The first elephant seal starts barking at the second, who then barks back. The two come to blows and start bashing their heads together, the first elephant seal is pushed into the ocean.

Then the copy - want to experience life on a small piece of land in the middle of the ocean with other fat assholes? Cruise with us!

[PickleBottom]

Men are so dumb. An advertising company can advertise just about anything and as long as there is a hot young lady with impressive norgs interacting with the object (see what I did there) males instantly associate the two. This is where those weird fetishes come from. A guy is watching an ad for an Italian sofa with a dark haired lady draped over it and a few days later the male has lubed himself up and is humping his couch.

[PickleBottom]

Originally Posted by spshane

an interwsting tKe! I like it. And have you heard how much kids cuss these days?

Yeah kids are raised by YouTube nowadays. Their teachers can't compete... Unless the science teacher lays on the desk in the front of the classroom and uses a Bunsen burner to ignite a fart.

[Beesauce]

hahahHAHAH .. you lost me there at seeking Asylum.

Treasure trove Picklebottom., you're a winner

[Phoenix Lazarus]

'Commie-Muslims?'. Thought the communists tended to be anti-religion?

Just a thought on your advert script-might possibly be losing the liberal market just a touch, maybe?

[Beesauce]

Picklebottom

You dont have to write about war games . And you dont have to write about writers killing themselves either. That game sucks. But whatever. It sucks.