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And so I'm sleepin'

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  #1  
Old 01-14-2018, 06:14 AM
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Default And so I'm sleepin'


and
I'm havin' this dream
and
I have this rat
and
he stays in a cage when I'm out
but
when I'm home I let him out
and
he moves around the place we live
then
he gets bigger and fluffy
kinda like a cat or a rabbit
and
he starts talkin' to me
but
it doesn't sound like any language I know of
but
I talk back to him in English (hopin' he'll learn it)
and
he talks his lingo to me
but
now there are some English words in it
but
I had to put him back in the cage
when
he started playing with my revolver
and
wouldn't stop when I told him to

Safety first, ya know?

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  #2  
Old 01-14-2018, 06:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
he started playing with my revolver
and
wouldn't stop when I told him to

Safety first, ya know?
A bit ironic.


I used to have a rat when I was a kid. It went crazy and we put it in an unfinished room in our house and I fed him french fries. I loved that little son of a bitch and he would bite me every time I wanted to touch him.
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Old 01-21-2018, 01:24 PM
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The talk of an unidentifiable, hidden, but growing danger. And a subconscious need to protect yourself from it.

Is there a message in there?
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Old 01-21-2018, 01:41 PM
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[QUOTE=An old face

Is there a message in there?

[/QUOTE]

Perhaps a useable response can be found here:

Free Writing page

I am not post

Stanza three
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Old 01-21-2018, 02:04 PM
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I like it but the amount of repetitive conjunction words each line threw it for me. I would suggest playing around with the use of them, to create your own intrinsic rhythm:

I have this rat
And
He stays in a cage when I'm out
But
When I'm home I let him out,
He moves around the place we live
And
He gets bigger...

Not that exactly, but I feel the emphasis of the single line conjunction would have more umph used differently.

One day ill actually be able to give you a critique sir haha, until then you will have to deal with this tripe, (see i didn't say shit).
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Old 01-21-2018, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
I like it but the amount of repetitive conjunction words each line threw it for me. I would suggest playing around with the use of them, to create your own intrinsic rhythm:

I have this rat
And
He stays in a cage when I'm out
But
When I'm home I let him out,
He moves around the place we live
And
He gets bigger...

Not that exactly, but I feel the emphasis of the single line conjunction would have more umph used differently.

One day ill actually be able to give you a critique sir haha, until then you will have to deal with this tripe, (see i didn't say shit).

Always interested in what you have to say.

Scratch your dog(s) behind the ears for me, would ya?
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Old 01-21-2018, 03:36 PM
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One day sir, I'm coming for you, every work you put up will get my 2 cents, but really they are yen sooo...

I will do that. Got a new dog, chow retriever mix to throw in the bunch, she's a hefty heifer that likes lunch meat tossed at her
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  #8  
Old 01-21-2018, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
One day sir, I'm coming for you, every work you put up will get my 2 cents, but really they are yen sooo...

I will do that. Got a new dog, chow retriever mix to throw in the bunch, she's a hefty heifer that likes lunch meat tossed at her
Here's what we will do: I will get all my shit in one sock (Old Navy expression), send it to you in the form of a stack of papers, you crit the crap, send it back and I will publish the original with your suggestions at the end of each piece.

Kinda like a Writers Beat in a format one can use for wrapping fish.
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Old 01-21-2018, 04:11 PM
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As long as its useful for the fish I'm down
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  #10  
Old 01-21-2018, 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
As long as its useful for the fish I'm down
Okay. Now I just gotta wait for that guy in California to get finished with the printer he is gonna buy.
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