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Still The Lullaby

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  #1  
Old 07-05-2006, 01:33 AM
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Default Still The Lullaby


A)

Rubber bodies and candycane
Smiles; delirious eyes fix on
The prize sapping blood
From the stone within
A still heart. Onwardly the lullaby
Repeats within--an angry angel
Abandoned, beating its tune
Mechanically into life. The sweet
Breath Of a lover's lie, entangles in her
Hair--cigarette smoke and cotton candy.

B)

Rubber bodies and candycane
Smiles; delirious eyes fix on
The prize sapping blood
From the stone within
A still heart. Still the lullaby
Repeats within--an angry angel
Abandoned, beating its tune
Mechanically into life. The sweet
Breath Of a lover's lie, entangled
in her hair--Cigarette smoke and
Cotton candy. Words that cling
To flesh like a sweat-drenched
Rapture;

B is the most recent,.. I tried a few different techniques with this one so I'm kinda wondering how well they worked out..

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Old 07-05-2006, 02:15 AM
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The imagery is very weighty - I don't know what all of it refers to - it seems that the two verses could stay as you have them, one poem with changing views - the emotional feeling I get from both is that of death - whether of a love, of a life, of vitality - I don't know - but there is at least onevital force that has left the scene, maybe more than one - and yet, there is rapture - it's all rather perverse or horrible, depressing depths that are somehow, reveled in -

those are my impressions but as I say, I don't understand all of it - which is not good or bad, just truth
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Old 07-05-2006, 02:40 AM
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With this one, try envisioning a dependent relationship or drug addiction..
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Old 07-05-2006, 02:44 AM
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This one's bugging me. I get it to where I think it's right, but then change my mind. we'll see how it goes..
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Old 07-05-2006, 06:32 AM
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In both of these versions (and moreso in B), the line breaks seem somewhat random and really throw the flow of the poem off. Below is an edit I did that would make it easier flowing for me:

Rubber bodies and candycane smiles;
delirious eyes fix on the prize
sapping blood from the stone
within a still heart.

Still the lullaby repeats within...
an angry angel abandoned,
beating its tune mechanically into life.

The sweet breath af a lover's lie,
entangled in her hair...
cigarette smoke and cotton candy.

Words that cling to flesh
like a sweat-drenched rapture.
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Old 07-05-2006, 06:34 AM
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I like! lemme play around with that because you've definitely given me a different view of it; very helpful.. thanks for the time man
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Old 07-05-2006, 12:31 PM
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Funny how the line breaks completely change the feel of the poem and, for me, make it more understandable. I suppose one has to decide whether the intent in writing a poem is to keep entirely in the mood without concern for the reader's comfort and ease, or whether to accomodate the reader.
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Last edited by riverstone; 07-06-2006 at 10:07 PM.. Reason: Fingers befuddled and making typos
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Old 07-05-2006, 03:40 PM
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Try this at home!

Line breaks make all the difference in the world. Readers tend to read lines at a constant rate in lines. Therefore, the more words you put in a line, the faster the reader must read in order to finish the line in the same amount of time as a line with fewer words. Simply put, longer lines are read faster than shorter lines. This allows you to drive the hapless reader like a car.
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Old 07-05-2006, 04:50 PM
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Excellent statistic, BleedinHeart. I know I have to stop and read differently, forcing myself to a slower pace for some poems. The poem must be worthy of the work to earn my approbation.
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