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Old 08-04-2010, 05:54 AM
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Default What If?


My latest play, to be performed August 30th 2010.

What If?

Copyright Pete Malicki
Cast
Adolf Hitler – Hitler when he was 20. Petulant and demanding. Strong South German accent
Mutter – Hitler’s mother. Dotes on her son.
Heinrich Himmler – Himmler when he was 20. Tall, skinny, glasses. Gay.
Herr Stolengeld – the Jewish curator. Stereotypical early twentieth-century Jew; long nose, pompous, tight-fisted.
Set
The Hitlers’ living room. There is a couch with a blanket on it, and Hitler has a canvas on an easel. There are two exits: one to outside, one to the kitchen.

Play
Adolf is sitting alone in his living room, musing over a canvas that sits on his easel. He calls offstage to his mother.

Adolf: Mutter!

Mutter: (offstage) Ja?

Adolf: What’s for dinner?

Mutter: (entering) Sauerkraut und fries, my little poopie.

Adolf: Nein! You know I hate fries. Make something else.

Mutter: No, Schatzie. Your friend Heinrich is coming, remember? He loves fries.

Adolf: Well I hate them. I order you to make something else.

Mutter: (tussling Adolf’s hair) Oh Schatzie. You can’t give me orders like you’re some dictator. The world doesn’t work that way. But what I can do is give Heinrich all of your fries and you can have as much sauerkraut as your little heart wishes.

Adolf: …Okay.

Mutter kisses Adolf on the head and walks offstage.

Adolf: Ich liebe dich, Mutter.

Adolf sizes up his canvas again, measuring it visually and concentrating hard on what he might do with it. Mutter enters shortly after with some mail.

Mutter: Schatzie! It’s for you. It’s from the Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna.

Adolf: Mein Gott. Open it! Schnell!

Mutter: Don’t you want to have the honour of…

Adolf: (interrupting) Nein. Open it and read it to me immediately. I command you.

Mutter: Well, okay. (opens envelope; reads letter) “Liebe Herr Hitler. Thank you for your recent application. The Academy of Fine Arts Vienna is… (excited) pleased to announce that your application has been successful!!!”

Adolf: (jumping and shouting) Hooray! Oh ja! I can’t believe it. All my dreams will finally come true. I will be the most famous artist in the world.

Mutter: But of course, schatzie. You will be so famous people will know your name in one hundred years’ time.

Adolf: Oh, Mutter. I think I was going to do something horrible if they rejected me a second time.

Mutter: Nonsense. Why would they reject a man of your passion and commitment? Come. I’ll make you extra sauerkraut.

Adolf: Awesome.

Adolf and Mutter leave the stage via the kitchen exit. Herr Stolengeld enters with some mail.

Herr S: Phone bill. Stockbroker. Financial advisor. Client. Tenants. More tenants. Even more tenants. (pauses; frowns) Herr Hitler? (opens letter) “Liebe Herr Hitler. Thank you for your recent application. The Academy of Fine Arts Vienna takes no satisfaction in telling you that you are ‘unfit for painting’.” Why have I received this? (takes out mobile phone and dials) Barbara? Why have I received a rejection letter meant for one of our applicants? (pause) How should I know? (pause) Well, I’m using Windows BC. (pause) Seriously? (pause) Okay, thank you. (disconnects call) Fucking mail merge.

Herr Stolengeld dials another number off the letter. Hitler enters stage. His phone is ringing and he answers it.

Adolf: Hallo?

Herr S: Yes, hello. Is this Herr Hitler?

Adolf: Ja.

Herr S: Herr Hitler, this is Herr Stolengeld from the Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna. Are you with Vodafone?

Adolf: Vodafone?

Herr S: Yes. It’s much cheaper if we’re both Vodafone, otherwise it costs like seventy-three cents per… well, never mind. I’ll make it quick. Herr Hitler, I’m afraid there’s been a terrible mistake. My secretary sent you the wrong letter. The fact is that your application was actually unsuccessful. We can’t have you at our school.

Adolf: Nein. Nein nein nein nein nein. That is not possible. I have the letter of acceptance right here.

Herr S: Well I’m terribly sorry, but it simply isn’t possible…

Adolf: NEIN! Dass ist unfair! Dass ist einfach unglaublich! I have been accepted and I will be attending your school. I command it.

Herr S: (head in hand) Okay, look. I will come around to your home and look at some of your paintings. If they are good, I will accept your application. Okay?

Adolf: Ja. Okay. I will prove it to you. You will see how good I am.

Herr S: (leaving stage) Very well, Herr Hitler. I hope you are right.

Herr Stolengeld hangs up his phone and leaves the stage.

Adolf: Sheisse! No, okay. This is okay. I just need to paint a masterpiece in like five minutes. (thinks to self; paces, then gasps) I know! Perfect! This will be brilliant. (takes out phone) Pick up, Heinrich. Schnell.

There is a loud thump from offstage. Heinrich enters, dusting himself off.

Heinrich: Hi Adolf.

Adolf: That was quick.

Heinrich: Ja. I was just climbing some trees for fun and I happened to be in the one outside your bathroom window.

Adolf: O…kay. Listen, Heinrich, I need a favour. I need to paint you.

Heinrich: My face? Can you make me into a beaver?

Adolf: No, I mean a portrait. I need a masterpiece to be accepted into the Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna. I need to paint you… naked.

Heinrich starts undressing immediately, excited.

Adolf: Nein. It must be done with some good taste and style. Throw this blanket around yourself.

Adolf hands Heinrich a blanket. Heinrich wraps it around himself, undresses, then stands with his back to the audience. He holds the blanket wide open. Adolf goes to his canvas and takes a brush. He double-takes when he sees Heinrich.

Adolf: Mein Gott. Your Schwanz is enormous![1]

Heinrich: Ja.
Adolf: I mean, that must be the biggest Schwanz I’ve ever seen in my life!

Heinrich: Do you… like my Schwanz?

Adolf stares for a moment, then starts painting bashfully.

Adolf: Can you perhaps do something a little more suggestive for me?

Heinrich poses lewdly.

Adolf: Oh Gott! Ein little less suggestive than that.

Heinrich moves again. He is obscured from the audience by the blanket.

Adolf: Okay, perfect. Oh, actually, can you move your Schwanz a little bit more to the left? That’s better.

Adolf paints silently. It is awkward.

Heinrich: How’s your Mutter?

Adolf: Ja. She’s good. (pause) She’s the best.

Heinrich: That’s good. (pause) How’s your goldfish?

Adolf: Hermann ist fine.

Heinrich: You look very nice today, Adolf.

Adolf: Can you be quiet please? It’s very difficult to concentrate. (shakes head) Maybe I should’ve called Goebbels.

Adolf paints for a few moments, then drops his brush.

Adolf: Heinrich Himmler! What is happening to your Schwanz?

Heinrich covers up.

Heinrich: Oh man. I’m so embarrassed.

Adolf: Well, I have to paint my masterpiece. Please open the blanket.

Heinrich opens the blanket again. Adolf picks up his brush and continues painting, then slowly stops. They look at each other. Adolf slowly walks over, making constant eye contact. Just as they are about to kiss, there is a noise from outside. Adolf rushes back to his easel. Heinrich covers up as Mutter enters.

Mutter: Hallo, Schatzie. Ooh, hallo Heinrich. I wasn’t expecting you here so soon.

Heinrich: (mumbling) Hello Frau Hitler.

Mutter: I was just going to stir the sauerkraut. You boys have fun.

Mutter leaves via the kitchen exit. Adolf and Heinrich both look uncomfortable for a long moment.

Adolf: I really need to finish this alone. Please get dressed.

Heinrich: But… we were…

Adolf: Please, Heinrich. My Mutter is here. I can’t paint my masterpiece with any distractions. Can you get dressed for me and let my imagination fill the blanks?

Heinrich: Fine.

Heinrich gathers his things and leaves the stage, still covered by the blanket. Adolf paints for another long moment, then there is a knock on the door. He looks up. Herr Stolengeld barges in.

Herr S: Hello. My name is Savehard Stolengeld. You must be young Herr Hitler.

Adolf: Ja.

Herr S: I like your little apartment. Very retro. Very nineteenth century.

Adolf: Thank…

Herr S: Before I go on, I’d just like to let you know that I am extremely receptive to bribery. Five thousand dollars and a hot meal would almost certainly get you into the school.

Adolf: We don’t have much money, Herr Stolengeld.

Mutter enters, shortly followed by a dressed Heinrich.

Herr S: (to Mutter) Hello. I’m Savehard, from the Academy of Fine Arts. You must be Frau Hitler. I’m delighted to meet such an illuminating lady.

Mutter: (coy) Thank you.

Herr S: Well, why don’t we get straight to it, hmm? Herr Hitler, can you fetch one of your paintings?

Adolf nods, then walks over to his canvas.

Heinrich: “Hello there, young man. My name’s Savehard. It’s a pleasure to meet you too.”

Adolf: Here it is, Herr Stolengeld. This is my masterpiece.

Adolf shows the painting to Herr Stolengeld. Ideally the actor will have painted it during the performance, but if this is not possible it can stay with its back to the audience.

Herr S: This is it, is it? Hmm, let’s see. This is a nude, am I right?

Adolf: Ja.

Herr S: Well…

Herr Stolengeld peruses the painting for a long, tense moment. Adolf is getting jittery.

Herr S: Well… I like the way the canvas is all straight around the edges.

Adolf and Heinrich exchange a look, worried.

Herr S: Herr Hitler, as I asserted when you first applied for my school and I rejected you, you have no talent as an artist. None whatsoever. This looks like a couple of epileptic squirrels got covered in paint and tried to kill each other on your canvas. I mean, the figure barely resembles a human. Is it a human?

Adolf: I…

Herr S: It looks more like a nude cow, Herr Hitler. Just how many limbs do you think a person has? Let me show you. One, two, three, four. This has at least seven. Or is that the torso? I can’t even… oh my god, that’s his Schwanz! Herr Hitler, that is an unrealistically large Schwanz.
Listen, if we gave you a ruler you might have some ability as an architect but there is no way you can ever be an artist. I am rejecting your application for the second and last time.

Adolf: Nein. Nein! Fuck you Stolengeld, you filthy… Jew! You know what? I will kill you before I let you reject me.

Mutter: Schatzie…

Adolf: You know what, Mutter? Fuck you too! I’m sick of all this “Schatzie, Schatzie, Schatzie.” Stolengeld, I am giving you one last chance to do the right thing.

Herr S: I’m afraid I have, Herr Hitler.

Adolf: Nein! You will regret this, you greedy bastard.

Mutter: It’s not the end of the world, Adolf.

Adolf: Oh yes it is, Mutter. I will kill Herr Stolengeld and every other Jew in the entire world! You just wait and see. And you know what? Your Blutwurst is so bad I’m going to become a vegetarian!

Heinrich: (approaching Adolf) Adolf, my dear friend. Forget about art school. We can have fun together. Why don’t we move to Poland and start a disco band? We can call it Glitzkrieg.

Adolf: You know what, Heinrich? The gays can die too.

Adolf stalks off stage, enraged. The others look at each other.

Heinrich: Scheisse.

Herr S: That was quite the reaction. Do you think he meant all that?

Mutter: No. Not my Adolf.

They all turn to face the audience.

Mutter: He wouldn’t hurt a fly.

[1] Pronounced “Schvants”

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  #2  
Old 08-04-2010, 04:47 PM
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Well, I’m using Windows BC. (pause) Seriously? (pause) Okay, thank you. (disconnects call) Fucking mail merge.

LMFAO. Great stuff. Like the sudden and surreal intrusion of the modern world. Will you be able to put a video up of the performance?

Good luck with it.
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Old 08-04-2010, 04:50 PM
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Hey, thanks for the laughs.

I will try to remember to ask my dad to bring his video camera along to the show. It might be a bit hit or miss depending on how age-appropriate and German-sounding the actors are!

Pete
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Old 08-04-2010, 04:59 PM
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Well I'd like to see it in any case, if your dad can capture it, post up a link.
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Old 08-04-2010, 05:01 PM
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Very fun. I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading, but I liked very much. I hope it goes off well.
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Old 08-04-2010, 08:42 PM
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Originally Posted by SyntaxError View Post
Well I'd like to see it in any case, if your dad can capture it, post up a link.
Most definitely. Looks like I will be able to get the camera. Only issue is that I run the show and may be tied up doing stuff like timing plays and hosting and whatnot. I'll try my best, because I'd love to have it on film if it goes well!!!!

Pete
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Old 08-04-2010, 09:44 PM
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Nice piece, although I was expecting a complete alternate history... thing, as opposed to an explanation
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Old 08-04-2010, 09:46 PM
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Ah, but that's the very point. Alternate (albeit massively inaccurate) history which leads to the same outcome, as a piss-take of all those B-grade, under-researched and frankly trite and pointless alternate histories already out there.
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Old 08-04-2010, 09:52 PM
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Sounds fair enough - and as I said, very nice piece
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Old 08-05-2010, 01:58 AM
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Thanks Dragon King!!!
Pete
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Old 08-05-2010, 04:22 PM
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I'd like to audition for the part of Himmler. I can count to five and can say 'Ich lieber dich', 'guten nacht' and uh other things in German. I am rather ugly and have a penchant for strange experiments involving Jewish people and German Shepherds. I can be in Australia at short notice, provided all my expenses are met.

Whilst there I'd like to see the Great Barrier Reef, the place where they have the living fossil things - stromatolites or whatever they're called, some sharks, a box jellyfish, the big rock, Ul-whatsit (used to be Ayres, but that's politically incorrect apparently, and now I can't spell it), those little spiders that turn you into a vegetable with one bite. Sydney harbour, a kangaroo, a koala. I'd like to sample the local cuisine, but not the fat squidgy maggot thing that they always have on 'I'm a Celebrity'. Oh and I want one of these:



I'd say that was a fair deal, yeah?
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Old 08-05-2010, 04:57 PM
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Sure, head on over. Bear in mind that it's open auditions on the night of the show, so even if you turn up there's no guarantee we'll cast you.

Steve Irwin's ghost will show you around ULURU: the politically correct version of Ayer's Rock.

Interestingly, while we've upped our political correctness in terms of terms, hundreds of people daily still walk on top of Uluru even though there are probably dozens of signs around saying, 'Please don't walk on our site of spiritual significance.' I guess it's easy to tell someone we respect them while still spitting in their faces...
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Old 08-05-2010, 05:34 PM
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Ah yea, Steve Irwin, God bless him, I was trying to remember his name, but couldn't on account of how I'm a late stage alcoholic. And I swear Uluru had an 'h' in it.

And I thought people weren't allowed to walk on the rock anymore? Like Stonehenge, where people aren't allowed to carve their initials into it or cover it with spray paint like they used to.

Shocking really. I mean, I wouldn't want to climb up the fucker, just have a look at it and then retire to the nearest hostelry for a stubbie or whatever it is you call them over there.

Last edited by SyntaxError; 08-05-2010 at 05:35 PM.. Reason: sp
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Old 08-05-2010, 05:44 PM
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No, you can walk up it. The Aborigines even installed a railing so people don't get hurt, which is fairly amazing of them considering they don't want anyone on it.

Stubbie? We call it 'spiked drink' here, or roofie. It's how we... wait, what are we talking about?
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Old 08-05-2010, 05:49 PM
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I saw it, but didn't climb it. It's a pretty asshole thing to do, I would say.
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Old 08-05-2010, 05:58 PM
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They put a railing on it? That's shocking. I guess maybe they want the visitor's money more than they want the rock to stay intact. For shame. I guess I have a romantacised view of this big fuck off red rock in the middle of nowhere. The photos you see never show overweight tourists clambering up it with the aid of hand rails and chipping bits off to take home to fucking Idaho or Reading or whatever.

And btw I believe roofies are now illegal. Or maybe not in Oz, I dunno.
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Old 08-05-2010, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Dragon King View Post
I saw it, but didn't climb it. It's a pretty asshole thing to do, I would say.
Good on you!
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Old 08-05-2010, 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by SyntaxError View Post
They put a railing on it? That's shocking. I guess maybe they want the visitor's money more than they want the rock to stay intact. For shame. I guess I have a romantacised view of this big fuck off red rock in the middle of nowhere. The photos you see never show overweight tourists clambering up it with the aid of hand rails and chipping bits off to take home to fucking Idaho or Reading or whatever.

And btw I believe roofies are now illegal. Or maybe not in Oz, I dunno.
They did it so the tourists don't get killed on their rock. In fact, they make no money from it - free entry and a white-man run hotel on the fringe.

Sorry, it was just a spot of rape humour. I have to lay off that kind of talk though. The Australian Federal Police started an investigation on me last year: I started a virtual hairdressing studio using YouTube and got arrested for online grooming.

Pete
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Old 08-05-2010, 08:35 PM
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Oh, very clever
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Old 08-05-2010, 08:37 PM
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Whoo! That's the best pun I've ever invented.
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Old 08-05-2010, 08:40 PM
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Yeah, but it's not up against strong competition
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Old 08-05-2010, 08:42 PM
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Hmm, good point. I liked Bill Hicks's one about anti-Castro pigeons calling out 'Coo'
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Short+Sweet Theatre needs good writers to become
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  #23  
Old 08-06-2010, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by PeteMalicki View Post
Whoo! That's the best pun I've ever invented.
Oh dear... o_o
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  #24  
Old 08-06-2010, 07:04 PM
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Ahh... it's nice to have someone to back me up again
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Old 08-12-2010, 01:12 PM
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Schwanz. word.
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Old 08-12-2010, 05:32 PM
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Word.
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