WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


Dragon Lover Part 13: All Hail the Dragon Lover! (language and content)

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 02-15-2013, 06:45 PM
Rooster Smith (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,090
Thanks: 38
Thanks 212
Icon5 Dragon Lover Part 13: All Hail the Dragon Lover! (language and content)


Damn guys, i messed up. This is part 14, not thirteen.

Thirteen, the battle of port robert ( real title is too long to fit) is located here ... http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=44214

my bad....



Ladies ...

Gentlemen ...

Transgendered ...

Mr. Smith would like to invite you to another installment of the Dragon Fucker Series.

In which King Bob must prove himself politically.

Let us hope it goes better than his military endeavor ...


Dragon Fucker

Part 14: All Hail the Dragon Fucker!


“My King!” Gayheart screamed, running to the dragon’s shattered corpse. “Are you hurt!?”

The King pulled his pants up in a concussion induced stupor. He looked around wearily. Every participant on the battle field was staring at him. They formed a circle around the dead dragon. Even the magicians hovered above in stunned silence.

Gayheart and his brother Barnabas steadied the King as he slide off the beast. His voice shook in a high pitch. “Dragon broke my fall. You got a towel? Got vomit in my face ...”

“Good God!” one Green Knight shouted, pointing to the beast’s bloody posterior. “He’s fucked the dragon!”

Chatter spread quickly among the knights, Royal, Green and Battlehawk alike. That chatter turned to shouting and soon a feverish debate.

“You can’t fuck a dragon! They’re too big!” someone protested.

“I had an uncle die that way! It can’t be done!” another hawk put in.

“Well, it would take quite an exceptional man to fuck a dragon, we can all agree on that!”

The King screamed out over the crowd. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn’t fuck the dragon! My pants fell down!” But no one listened. They just argued logistics.

Shuttlecock landed next to him and silenced the crowd with the crackle of lightning.

“Yes!” Shuttlecock cried. “You’ve seen it for yourselves! This man has fucked a dragon TO DEATH! For this is no mere man, my countrymen! This is the rightful heir! The grandson of Robert Lancaster! Nephew of Edward the Second! May I introduce you, loyal men of Lakewood! To King Bob Malik Dylan Shabazz! The Dragon Fucker!”

We all gasped! Everyone one of us wanted to believe it! Even the Queen’s Loyalist for the most part. But obvious questions needed answering. And it was not long before they were asked.

“What the fuck is wrong with his skin!?” a Green Knight asked.

The King’s face twisted in anger. “What the fuck is wrong with your skin, boils!? My shit is silky smooth!”

But his words only further confused his subjects. “You have smooth shit?”

Gayheart explained. “It’s well known that Robert Lancaster had a fancy for exotic women. I have been to America, my friends. There are many women such women with this complexion.”

“Shapely women,” Shuttle remembered, licking his lip. “By the Gods! Were they shapely!”

King Bob nodded. “Diversity is our strength, mother-fuckers!”

“But why?” asked a clearly disturbed Royal Knight. “Why would you do this? Defile a dragon in mid-air?”

“HAR! BECAUSE ONLY A LANCASTER COULD!”

The grey haired Battlehawk our King “battled” earlier pushed his way into the circle. He threw his arms up in peace and wrapped them around our protesting King, lifting him off the ground in a fearsome hug.

“You Lancasters are mad!” he said as he let the King down and wacked him across the back. “I knew I’ve seen those eyes somewhere before! My old friend Eddie! A real freakball himself!”

“My King,” Gayheart said. “Allow me introduce Sir Neville Shitface, Lord of Bastard Rock.”

“And humble servant, Your Majesty!” Sir Neville bellowed. “Just don’t expect me to kiss your hand! I’d sooner smack your ass!”

And with that endorsement all the Battlehawks began a round of cheers that drew in the Royal Knights.

“King Bob!” everyone shouted. And, “All hail the Dragonfucker!”

The King smiled at that. “You can call me Bob, bro.”

“Aye!” Shitface said. “And you call me Shitface!”

It was then Lord Longfellow Shortfellow rode into the circle, looking down upon everyone with contempt. Sir Randall rode beside him.

“Would someone mind telling me why the fighting has stopped!?” he asked. “Last I heard, the Bantam Throne is empty and our people need leadership!”

Our King noticed the Two Proper Gentlemen Engaged In Polite Conversation on the Lord’s surcoat.

This guy leads the green dudes, he realized.

“Leadership from who? The Dragon Army, perhaps?”

Another collective gasp came from the crowd. For that was a bold accusation indeed!

“The Dragon Army!?” Longfellow repeated. “What lies are you about to speak, strange man? Would you join so many others and ejaculate groundless rumors about my loyalty?”

Shitface put a hand on the King’s shoulder. “Lord Longfellow, this is Robert Lancaster’s grandson. Gayheart and Shuttlecock succeeded in their mission!”

“This wretch!?” Longfellow cried out, red in the face. “I have never seen a man with such pigmentation! He must be demon-born!”

“He is our new King!” Sir Neville told him sternly. “A Lancaster. You can see it in his face. My people will fly the Battlehawk Banner beside his.”

The Lord’s face turned even redder at that. “Shitface, you can’t! What about my people!? What does this outsider know about agriculture!?”

“I know it’s probably easier to grow shit in a place called the Big Green than a place called Bastard Rock,” the King answered. “Tell me, Shitface? How’s the harvest going?”

“It goes well. Better than most years even.”

“Better than most years? Why’s that? Good weather? Magic beans?”

“Great weather! But magic beans? Don’t be silly. We have a witch bless the grain!”

“Right, right,” the King said with a smile. “So let me ask you this, Shitface. If you guys did it on Bastard Rock, how come people living on the Big Green couldn’t?”

Realization dawned on the Battlehawk’s face and Longfellow shifted in his saddle.

“No ...” Shitface whispered to himself. “It couldn’t be!”

“It is,” the King said. “Old boy tugged at your heart strings. By starving his own people...”

“That’s a lie!” Longfellow cried. “Those are just words, Shitface! You’ve seen the farms-”

The Battlehawk’s face contorted in rage. “Then you won’t mind if I question your advisors then.”

“Question my advisors!?” Longfellow shrieked. “Shitface! I would not have my honor questioned! You will fight beside me on this day or you will make a powerful enemy on the Green!”

Shitface shook his head. “I think it’s you who’s made an enemy on the Green, sir! Once my Battlehawks arrive on your island, your people might feel more comfortable speaking their minds!”

If looks could kill, both our King and Lord Neville would have been sent ablaze under Lord Longfellow’s glare.

“Green Knights!” he hollered. “This battle is lost! By not by swords! By treachery! But fear not! Queen Mary will have safe passage to our borders. She will rule her kingdom from the Green! Let us return home!”

With those heavy words, Lord Longfellow turned his horse on his King and galloped off. Surprised by the sudden turn of events, Sir Randall was late to join him.

“Green Knights!” the Knight Commander shouted. “Follow!”

But to everyone’s surprise few did. Most of the Green Knights stayed where they were, looking to one another in confusion.

“But he is clearly a Lancaster,” one whispered. “He fucked a dragon ...”

It did not take long for Green’s lord to realize that most of his men disobeyed him. He kicked his steed and darted back.

“Green Knights! We are leaving!” His face turned redder still as Sir Randall’s horse came trotting back. “Who do you think you serve!? You serve the Queen! And you serve me! Let us go!”

Some of his knights finally budged but very few.

“Unbelievable!” he screamed, turning back. “I Should I have you all beheaded!? No! I shall behead your wives and children instead! Your wives and children if you do not follow me!”

Anger and outraged filled the hearts of every Royal Knight and Battlehawk! They shouted curses and threats at the mounted Lord, for his words cut at the heart of everything Lakewood Kingdom stood against.

Shitface was the most livid of all! “It’s you who’s forgotten his loyalties, Longfellow! Slaying innocents is the old way! And the old ways are finished!”

“Perhaps the old ways were useful!” Longfellow shouted back. “For making sure knights do not forget themselves at the very-”

Sir Randall moved so quick no one understood what had happened until he pulled back his sword. His Lord gasped, seemingly unable to draw a breath. He turned in his saddle, jaw hanging, blood pouring from his side.

“L-L-L-Love Pumpkin?”

Your humble narrator just happened to be standing close enough to hear Sir Randall’s reply. His words thick with regret, he whispered, “I am sorry, sir. My sworn duty is to uphold ... You threatened their children ...”

Lord Longfellow fell to the ground, lifeless. Everyone looked to the Knight who killed him.

“He threatened your children,” he said. “I had no choice ...”

“You did your duty, knight,” Gayheart assured him. “You did right.”

***



Sir Randall and many of the Green Knights spent that night at their camp. But the Royal Knights and the Battlehawks spent it drinking with their King on the docks of Port Robert. (The Rowdy Badger stayed open until dawn.)

“The King who buys!” they named him as he ran up the royal tab.

Shuttlecock and the Gayheart brothers sat on some barrels outside the Badger. They watched a drunk King Bob talking to two serving wenches on the bow of a large trading ship.

“But I’m serious!” he insisted. “Have you met my friend, Gavin? Aww, he’s great, he’s a virgin, one of you guys should do him a favor. My other friends is old as fuck though, he’s like two hundred. Yous two might have to flip a coin ...”

“Oh no,” Gavin moaned. “He’s going to make me talk to them.”

Barnabas grinned. “Well it is about time you lost your maidenhead, Gavin. The thing’s like to fall off at this point!”

“Love waits, brother. That’s what mother said.”

“Yes it does, for the first thing that comes along!”

“After everything we’ve been through!” Shuttlecock said. “He could have shaved a few years off! I’ll have you all know, in the bedroom, I move like a man half my age!”

“My grandfather’s half your age,” Barnabas laughed. “And he’s dead!”

As the sun came up, Wonder Bread returned from whatever tree he had spent the night and landed on Shuttlecock’s shoulder, tweeting.

Gayheart watched our King lead the serving wenches down the ship’s gang plank. “We’ve done it, Corny. He’s here.”

“He is, Gavin. Safe and sound.”

“And they’ve embraced him. As they’ve embraced his uncle.”

The two shared in a smile then, an incredible weight lifted from their shoulders.

“Hey!” the King shouted at them. “Gavin! Corny! Get your asses over here! We’re having a party! Everybody talks weird and I suspect nobody shaves their legs but it’s awesome!”

“Our King summons us, Gavin.”

Gayheart laughed, it had been so long since he heard those words.

***

So ends the story of how Lakewood’s greatest king arrived at its shores.

And though his reign would be short, bloody, and filled with sorrow ...

The Lancaster blood which flowed through his veins, his knowledge of the outside world, and the love of his people would change our Kingdom forever.

But those are stories for another time ...



__________________
New Rule Guys!!! I can no longer remember all the names of people who commented on my work.
So if you got a piece out, private message me so I won't forget to give you a return critic.
I really wanna return the favor, and I feel like I'm forgetting people ...
Check out my blog:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by Rooster Smith; 02-15-2013 at 06:47 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-16-2013, 02:59 AM
Andy Mitchell (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 495
Thanks: 268
Thanks 119
Default

Hello Rooster, this is very good and I found the plot interesting, it moves along nicely.

I find your stories, Rooster, very interesting and real. Most of the time, it's strange like everything you write, but I do enjoy reading your stuff for time to ecaspe the real world for a moment. It's the light relif moments that stands out, the laugh out moments where things are odd but funny at the same time.

Keep up the good work, Rooster.

Btw When I plan a new short story series, can I come to you to help?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-16-2013, 12:22 PM
Rooster Smith (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,090
Thanks: 38
Thanks 212
Default

Originally Posted by Andy Mitchell View Post
Hello Rooster, this is very good and I found the plot interesting, it moves along nicely.

I find your stories, Rooster, very interesting and real. Most of the time, it's strange like everything you write, but I do enjoy reading your stuff for time to ecaspe the real world for a moment. It's the light relif moments that stands out, the laugh out moments where things are odd but funny at the same time.

Keep up the good work, Rooster.

Btw When I plan a new short story series, can I come to you to help?
Yeah man, of course. Private message me when you're ready.

Thanks for the compliment man, I'm touched.
__________________
New Rule Guys!!! I can no longer remember all the names of people who commented on my work.
So if you got a piece out, private message me so I won't forget to give you a return critic.
I really wanna return the favor, and I feel like I'm forgetting people ...
Check out my blog:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Dragon Lover Part 13: The Battle of Port Robert (language and content) Rooster Smith Fiction 5 02-20-2013 11:14 AM
Dragon Lover Part 12: As Third World As It Gets (Language and Content) Rooster Smith Fiction 4 02-15-2013 06:40 PM
Dragon Lover: Part 7 (language and content ) Rooster Smith Fiction 2 10-15-2012 09:45 PM
Dragon Lover Part 6: How To Anger a Dwarf (Language & Content) Rooster Smith Fiction 5 10-13-2012 11:27 AM
Dragon Lover: Part 4 ( Language and Content ) Rooster Smith Fiction 14 09-08-2012 01:17 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:19 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.