The King Looked at The Dragon
The King Looked at the Dragon.
Ballzo was a author and he wrote about elves and dragons and a Orc army too. He wrote popular stories about the mythic world and the mystic words of bearded sorcerers that were bearder than the guys on that show about guns where they hate the gays. Then it was when the devil broke the seventh seal and unleashed the beast, and then all the writing in the world was turned real and then the dragons and demons and orcs were real and the dragon writers had to actually become dragon riders.
Ballzo was now loose in a world of phantasy that his own pen had created. He wandered through the desert searching for a dragon he could ride about and perhaps later write about. He found a big green dragon named SMUD who lived in a mountain and could fly.
Ballzo explained to the dragon about how he would write a exposť about the life of the dragon and they would get the money from the people who read the exposť about the life of the dragon and then they would have all the gold. The dragon; SMUD; agreed. Ballzo began writing the thing then. It was like this:
'Being a dragon is hard work. You must terrorize villages, stockpile gold, and be bigger then life. A dragon is the original celebrity. The people fear and respect dragon. Dragon lives in the mountain and has all the gold and the orcs and the dwarves, though diametrically opposed, both covet all the gold as if it were good pussy. The dragon must stay vigilant to keep his track on lock. This is the story of a dragon.'
It only got better from there. Ballzo was very impressed with SMUD's stories of looting and robbing and raping. SMUD told all and held nothing back. He was a very ruthless dragon, and the people and elves and dwarves and orcs feared him. Now that all phantasy had come true, Ballzo had learned to ride the dragon. They went on raids and terrorized everyone.
Every night, Ballzo would write down the happenings of the day in a leatherbound journal and he could really write really good. He said the trees below them were 'as green smudges on an impressionist painting', and he called their victims 'gathered useless mouths without value or artistic merit'. He would read his descriptions of slaughter to SMUD and they would both laugh at their own superiority.
Ballzo met a wife and was married.
The wife of Ballzo was called Ballza; and she lived in the mountain with Ballzo and SMUD. She had hair the color of honeysuckle and a buxom breast and she fucked real good. Ballzo was happy but SMUD felt that Ballza got 2 much attention. Ballzo was always busy with writing and secretly hoped the world would go back to normal and he could be a dragon writer rather than a dragon rider. He was sick of the grind, and would rather fuck Ballza than ride around on SMUD's back and watch him kill innocent people all day... but a job is a job.
Ballzo's writing was not popular with the intellectuals. That was fine, because there were much larger numbers of anti-llectuals in the post apocalyptic wasteland he now resided within. His prose arose as though chosen from frozen roses grown alone in Roman hanging gardens if you'll beg my pardon for saying so. They printed it on Xerox machines and sold it for bartered water and bushmeat. Ballzo and Ballza and SMUD were living high on hog.
Ballzo now realized that the breaking of the seven seals was a good thing for him maritally, materially, and financially, and he was now glad that he was no longer a struggling dragon writer and was now a successful dragon rider who wrote about dragons. He had money, a mountain to live in, and a wife who sure liked to fuck. He put on weight and started to get complacent, but he still churned out his ribald tales of looting and pillaging and murderous attacks on elf and dwarf and human communities.
Even the orcs liked Ballzo's writing. They thought the torture and murder was 'cool'. SMUD was bored with the attention and announced that he would be entering a ten year slumber, as dragons live twelve to twenty thousand years and sleep ten years at a time. Ballzo decided that this was the perfect opportunity to turn from babyface to heel. When SMUD entered his hibernation Ballzo stuck a spear into his heart and killed the dragon dead. He announced to the people and elves and dwarves that the dragon was dead and that now they were all invited to the mountain to praise their new king: Ballzo.
Everyone luxuriated in the perfumeral eloquence of his royal highness' speak. With his literary background, Ballzo was quite the orator. He promised many wonderful things to the people and gave them glimpses of treasure they could only have imagined otherwise. Ballzo was accepted as the leader and they started building him a grand castle in the town. Things was looking good.
Ballzo hired many men and dwarves with donkeys to bring his treasure down to the castle. Once more that half of the treasure was there he moved into the castle and he had many gargoyles to guard the treasure and if even one copper piece went missing the gargoyles would kill the perpetrator deader than the proverbial door nail.
Eventually Ballzo was all moved in and he began his officially sanctioned reign as despot to the villagers. Ballzo's wife waited around in the bed for him to come bang her now and then, but he was so very busy so she was also banging her servant boy Tyler.
Tyler was a weird kid. He was always reading the magic books down at the public library. He had a library card and would sometimes check out the books and bring them home to read even. He was getting pretty good at magic, and one time after he knocked the bottom out on the king's wife they was a' lyin' in the ornate brass bed and he asked her where the corpse of SMUD laid in state.
"Why 'tis in yon mountain, me laddie," Ballza told him, indicating the mountain where Ballzo had stabbeth one dragon, SMUD.
That eve, after taking his repast, Tyler laced up his athletic sneakers and ran up to the mountain. He wandered through the twisted tunnels and into the vast main chamber wherein he saw the large and well preserved corpse of the dragon SMUD. Tyler reached into his European Shoulder Bag and produced a large gold leafed and leather bound spell book he had obtained through use of his library card at the library. He raised his wand and spake thusly:
"Wizard wands and lizard pies,
I command you SMUD to rise!!"
There was a confluence of golden shimmering light as appears in all animated films to indicate that magic is going down, and the great beast came back to life and thanked Tyler for the resurrection. Tyler said you're welcome, and the two began to plot how to get SMUD's treasure back from the power hungry Ballzo.
In the castle Ballzo was feasting upon larks' tongues in aspic. He was also smoking on some of that good shit the halflings grow down in the valley- you know what I mean? Weed. Ballzo was hella high off that shit. He was smoking that shit str8 2 tha dome. He told his servants to call him JRR Tokin'.
He had his dwarf servants doing funky ass plays and shit to entertain him, because in fantasy stories I can't have the motherfucker watching Cheech and Chong movies, but it was the mediaeval equivalent to such goings on. Ballzo was baked.
Back in the bedroom Ballza lay in bed waiting for someone to bust her ass out. Her husband was too high to get it on, and Tyler had been missing for a few days. Ballza sighed and drank some cough syrup and passed out.
Suddenly Ballzo's pot party was interrupted when one of the armed guards busted through the doors and into his chamber.
"Sorry to disturb you, my lord," the soldier spake, "but there seems to be a situation out of doors..."
"What is it?" Ballzo asked?
"It seems a dragon is attacking the castle my lord. He is being commanded by your boy servant Tyler. He has taken the first and second gates and is closing in on us."
"Kill him!" Ballzo instructed.
"We are trying to, your highness, but he IS a dragon."
"Why did you just call me 'your highness?"
"Excuse me, my liege?"
"WHY did you just CALL me 'your highness'?"
"Is it my eyes? Are they red?"
"Um, yes; a little bit lord Ballzo,"
"Okay. That's because I'm HIGH! I'm poking on that good shit!"
"Ah, the crops of the halflings. Very good, my lord. May I excuse myself to go die at the hands of the dragon please, my king?"
"Dragons don't have hands!"
"It's an expression sir,"
"Yes. It is. You may go."
The armed guard bowed many times as he backed out through the large and ornately carved wooden doors, and the dwarves started juggling again and the king rolled up another marijuana cigarette.
Out on the walls of the castle a terrific battle was taking place. Tyler was mounted upon the back of SMUD and the armed guards, men and dwarves, were shooting arrows and chucking spears and catapulting boulders at the dragon, but Tyler had erected a shield of protection around them so the defenses of the castle were all for naught.
SMUD's neck stood erect as he spewed out a stream of white hot fire upon the castle below.
"Kill them!" Tyler ejaculated.
The men cowered behind the walls as SMUD swooped down, the long throbbing shaft of his neck blossoming into a bell shaped head that shot load after load of destruction down upon them. SMUD landed on the parapet, his long neck craning from left to right, arching back, his head glistening in the sun as he roared.
Most of the men were dead, and now SMUD was just focusing upon his own pleasure. He sprayed a burst of flame up into the sky to announce that it was now time for them to penetrate the deepest depths of the king's chamber. Tyler pulled back on the reigns and thrust his hips foreword as SMUD readied himself for the climax of this terrible scene.
Aiming his head carefully, SMUD showed great bodily control as he built up speed and thrust himself into the back entrance to the castle's main chamber. His body shuttered as he unleashed pulsing spasms of burning chaos from out of his centre, his emissions coming and coming in electrical bursts that ebbed to nothing.
The castle was now defenseless, and SMUD lay content, his body quivering with the satisfaction of his conquest. It would be at least twenty minutes before he could perform again, so Tyler stood guard and waited patiently for the final confrontation with Ballzo.
Ballzo sat atop his throne. He knew what had happened out of doors and that his fate was sealed. He thought about what he'd done wrong. He wasn't the best husband, or king for that matter; but he had tried. His life was in the hands of the gods now.
SMUD and Tyler entered the king's chamber. SMUD saw the king and roared.
"You killed me, you cheap son of a bitch!" the dragon hollered.
The king looked at the dragon.
"You don't look dead," he said.
"That's because Tyler brought me back to life thanks to his magic spell... and no thanks to you! And now I'm going to kill YOU!"
The king stood up from his throne, his beautiful purple robe cascading across the dais behind him and light dancing off of the diamonds upon his bejeweled hand. He struck a kingly pose and spake thusly:
"You are going to kill me you say? And what good would that do in a world where necromancy is practiced? Then one of my men will just bring me back to life and I will kill you again; and another will bring you back to kill me and so on and so forth and etcetera even? The thought alone bores me to no end. Before you kill me allow me to state my case. It is the least that can be expected for a king."
SMUD nodded his head and listened as Ballzo continued:
"I killed you, SMUD, and for that you are justified in desiring revenge, however; Tyler has been fucking my wife- and for that I am justified in wanting a bit of revenge myself."
SMUD looked at Tyler, who smiled uneasily and shrugged. Ballzo went on:
"Tyler resurrected you, SMUD, which I haven't the magic to do. This resurrection corrects my transgression in killing you, and for that I will forgive Tyler his dalliance with my betrothed. If we can all agree that we will divide the treasure three ways, then we can share rulership of the realm and let bygones be bygones... And I will roll up three phat marihuana cigarettes of that good ass halfling shit and we can get smoked the fuck back."
"Okay," said SMUD.