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Michelle, part duex

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Old 07-06-2014, 07:53 PM
IZA (Offline)
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Default Michelle, part duex


You first saw here as she tumbled out of a beat up and well patina'd Ford pickup. She left the passenger door open and bounded into the convenient store.

You got out of the car and picked up the fuel pump. That red pick up looked familiar, but it can't be. After all, you'd definitely remember her. Looking around the station your gaze lands on the truck and you stop to study it. The passenger door is closed but not shut. The windows are down and there's someone in the driver's seat, fingers strumming along with the radio.

Looking back at the building, you see her swing the door open, carrying two bottles of Mountain Dew and a Slim Jim. You lean against the car, listening to rushing hum of the gas and taking her in: white t-shirt, blue jean shorts and sneakers - their dark surface speckled with light brown smears. She could feel the look and glanced around the gas station.

Twenty four pumps, and about fifteen cars filling up. It wasn't empty and you weren't close to the door. There were even a couple cars between you, with people coming and going, three little kids yelling on the sidewalk in front of a Suburban.

But she found you. And you locked eyes for a second. She picked up her pace and jumped back into the truck. The truck rumbled back and then stopped. They were talking. Through the glare on the windshield, you could see her point at you. The truck lurched forward through the parking lot, turning up your aisle of gas pumps.

Slowing to stop, you can hear their radio go quiet. She leaned out the window: "about fifteen miles down 73, there's a big, ugly, almost-red barn. We're over the hill at the lake behind the barn. Bring beer."

She winked. The pump clicked off.

What the fuck?

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Old 07-10-2014, 11:02 AM
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Default Michelle, part deux

In under 1000 words you manage to introduce the character Michelle and entice the audience into a possible date with her. The plot takes the shape of the Specimen which focuses on a single character who remains responsible for the action of the plot.

To complete the plot, you include strong imagery. Love the Mountain Dew and Slim Jim. It is enough to tell us this is just a brief encounter and ground us into the way things are at the moment. The number of cars filling up at the station also helps the reader to imagine the moment. We like the idea of there being other people around as this experience is unfolding.

Interesting choice on the second person narration. It works. Definitely, helps to keep the audience active. There is no distance between the audience and action. Good writing.

Not much to improve on. Keep things short, but add a minute where a character filling up at the pump adds an opinion or responds as a witness.
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Old 07-10-2014, 02:25 PM
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No, it doesn't have to be about anyone but him and her. Why do you think the driver stays silent?

Him and her.
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by JustcallmeEd View Post

Him and her.
It's about her.

Just her.

The freakin' pump says more than you do.
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