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Mission (impossible)

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  #1  
Old 11-14-2015, 05:40 AM
leila
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Default Mission (impossible)


having sent out many probes
(fingers, lips, and other things)
took a chance
went soaring through
and landed on
the night side
of you
(the side you keep turned towards
me)
stayed there, tentatively
ecstatic
searching out your
hidden signs
relaying back the information
yet still I failed to find
the key
to any life
in you

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  #2  
Old 11-14-2015, 06:15 AM
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I see the intent of this piece.

The delivery is Burqa clothed (hey, not there is anything wrong with Burqas folks - keep those safeties on, please).

I think the archetypal little black dress would serve the message quite nicely.
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  #3  
Old 11-14-2015, 06:31 AM
leila
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Suggestions for improving this piece Nick?

Last edited by leila; 11-14-2015 at 06:33 AM..
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  #4  
Old 11-14-2015, 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted by leila View Post
Suggestions for improving this piece Nick?
Improvement is a value judgement.

I do wonder what changes would reveal more of the viewpoint's femininity.
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  #5  
Old 11-14-2015, 08:07 AM
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(fingers, lips, bumping hips)

A beginning of how to shift from and other things.
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  #6  
Old 11-14-2015, 11:48 AM
leila
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ok, thanks.

Improvements? I meant changes, of course.
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  #7  
Old 11-14-2015, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by leila View Post
ok, thanks.

Improvements? I meant changes, of course.
I could have assumed that. I may have been incorrect.

When working in a world of words clarity is more than a casual commodity.

(fingers, lips, and shifting hips)

Another variation that I see.

Not wantin' to give up hips partly because of the rhyme but mostly because of the intimacy suggested via the term.
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  #8  
Old 11-14-2015, 12:42 PM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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My only question is whether or not "life" in the penultimate line is the best possible word.
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Old 11-15-2015, 12:00 AM
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Thanks Lon. I used 'life' just because it was in keeping with the whole image of exploring a new planet for life, and all that. What do you suggest?
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  #10  
Old 11-15-2015, 05:32 AM
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Nothing occurs to me. I was just wondering. And "life" does seem reasonable.
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  #11  
Old 11-16-2015, 02:17 AM
leila
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ok, thanks.
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  #12  
Old 11-16-2015, 03:42 AM
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Originally Posted by leila View Post
risked a chance
launched an expedition
and landed on
the night side
of you
(the side you keep turned towards
me)
tentatively ecstatic
sent out feelers
lips, finger tips, shifting hips
searching for
hidden signs
relaying back information
yet I failed to find
any sign
of life
in you


Here are some alterations to show my idea of a natural progression.

Explore some stanza creation.

And failed is not useful in this composition.
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Old 11-16-2015, 05:41 AM
leila
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thanks Nick, gives me food for thought.

I wasn't sure how exactly to break it up into stanzas, believe me I wanted to. It's something to ponder over.

Maybe I've just had too long a weekend, but I don't know what you mean by 'failed is not useful in this composition' - ?
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Old 11-16-2015, 06:11 AM
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Originally Posted by leila View Post
I don't know what you mean by 'failed is not useful in this composition' - ?

Using failed makes the voice person more responsible than they are for an unresponsive mate.

Uhh, the back turned person is breathing, right?

Perhaps you intend a darker, goth-like piece and I have ... heh ... failed to perceive that slant.
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Old 11-16-2015, 07:02 AM
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It's hard to see how to break this into stanzas, especially as it is, in essence, one sentence.
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Old 11-16-2015, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Lon Palmer View Post
It's hard to see how to break this into stanzas, especially as it is, in essence, one sentence.
risked a chance
launched an expedition
and landed on
the night side of you

(the side you keep turned towards
me)

tentatively ecstatic
sent out feelers
lips, finger tips, shifting hips

searching for

hidden signs

relaying back information

yet I failed to find
any sign
of life
in you



Hmm, now how would Nick Pierce hack this into a broken sentence that it may streak across the page in the guise of poetry ?


A problem here is if no signs are found how is anything being relayed back.


It can work as it is but it ain't tight.

Last edited by Nick Pierce; 11-16-2015 at 10:02 AM..
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  #17  
Old 11-16-2015, 08:23 AM
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risked a chance
launched an expedition
and landed on
the night side of you
(the side you keep turned towards
me)

tentatively ecstatic
sent out feelers
lips, finger tips, shifting hips
searching for
hidden signs
relaying back information

yet I failed to find
any sign
of life
in you
. . . but is that an improvement?
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  #18  
Old 11-16-2015, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Lon Palmer View Post
. . . but is that an improvement?
Who you askin'?

And what criteria are they ensnared by (or should that be ensnared with?
Paging Mr. Strunk - Paging Mr. White)
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Old 11-16-2015, 09:22 AM
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You.

". . . by"

Last edited by Lon Palmer; 11-17-2015 at 03:37 PM..
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  #20  
Old 11-16-2015, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Lon Palmer View Post
You.

Oh.
As I responded to the original poster I ain't lookin' to improve the piece 'cause anything that is done and touted as an improvement can be subjected to ... I think you know where this is going.

I am wondering if there could be changes made that would further suffuse the work with the voice's femininity.
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  #21  
Old 11-16-2015, 10:41 AM
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'k.
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  #22  
Old 11-16-2015, 11:45 AM
leila
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Lon and Nick, thanks again for all your input.
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