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Guardian...Part one of probably many parts

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Old 11-30-2009, 03:23 PM
SOBfromchicago (Offline)
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Default Guardian...Part one of probably many parts



Hello again. Here is my first draft of the first part of the first chapter.

The genre is fantasy so it is a swords/axes thing, not a guns/grenades piece.

This part doesn't really dip into the plot, and the first few parts of chapter 1 should not really get to into it until towards the end. I'll tell you now that the characters will be described in greater detail in the next few parts.

Any constructive criticism and advice is greatly appreciated. Opinions (good or bad) are also heavily appreciated.

Thanks for reading my works!
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Guardian has made himself home with his fellow partners in crime in Mossrock Cave for almost four years. He is well admired by his colleagues, and is feared by those outside of his practice. His intimidating presence strikes fear into those whom he does not know, and comfort to his family and friends. He is a bandit.
His colleagues are bandits and so is his family; people whom he does not know are the type of people that preserve order: Guards, Kings, Counts, Soldiers, etc. His home is a hideout, not a place for people to live, but to cower in fear from the committed keepers of justice. Of course, he is not alone. He lives among a group of equally cowardly people cowering from the law, which they broke on more than one occasion in more than one theatre. Some of Guardian’s partners come from completely different provinces because of their fear of being captured by law enforcement. All of these wanted men and women have been cast away by their friends, family, and society in general, and now their only friends and family are their partners whom they commit petty crimes with.
This particular group of bandits rob traveling merchants, who are blind when it comes to the dangers of the Beldamoor Road. This group frequently travels to the town of Beldamoor, a small, but crowded town located in the southern portion of the province of Moorehead. The road that leads to it is in the foothills of a small mountain range, and provides plenty of cover that keeps the bandits by the road out of sight. The three mile stretch often freezes over during the winter and makes it very difficult for horses and caravans to maintain grip.
It was an early Fall morning in the mountain range, which meant it was bitterly cold. The group of 6 bandits waited patiently along the Beldamoor Road, with a checkpoint held by Rognor alone a few hundred yards away from the group of five at the spot where the robberies happen. Rognor is very experienced with birds, and the signal given to his partners is letting a single bird fly from his location. Of course, that always means someone must be watching. If the main group sees a bird fly, that means to rob the next person they see traveling along the road away from Beldamoor. It was an effective system, and it prevented the whole group from getting killed.
Guardian, Blindeye, Gant, Fever, and Secret silently awaited for their prey to aimlessly wonder down the road, and indeed, a merchant with one armed man walked down the road, and into the groups sight; however, Rognor’s bird did not fly, but it was clear that this was an easy target. Gant, the leader of the group started to whisper out orders for his comrades.
“Blindeye, head up the road and get behind the two men. Secret, head down the road and commence the robbery. Gant, Fever, and I will assist you two if trouble arises. If a fight breaks out, it is critical that Blindeye gets an arrow in the merchant. The four of us will fight the armed man. Also, Blindeye, make sure you see if anyone is on the other side of the road hiding from us.” He whispered quietly.
Everyone nodded, and Blindeye went up the road with her bow, and Secret moved silently down the road and awaited their targets. As they approached him, Secret drew out his sword and stood in the middle of the road, and Blindeye was well behind them, bow ready. Secret looked directly at the mercenary first.
“No need to draw your sword, good sir, for this is a fight you will not win anyways. Just give me what I need, and I’ll be on my way. Of course, it is your choice: Your life, or a small sum of gold.” said Secret. The Merchant was quick to reply to the offer.
“Never will you take my gold you fiend!” screamed the merchant. He whistled and another armed man came out from the other side of the road and Blindeye let her arrow fly; she never missed her target. Fever, Gant, and Guardian charged in from their location as the merchant slowly well to the ground, with an arrow in his back. The armed men drew their swords and charged towards Secret. Blindeye fired her arrow again, and it struck one of the armed men in the back of his leg. The other armed man quickly swung his sword towards Secret, but Secret was quick to respond and held his sword in position to block it. The loud dinging sound reverberated through the area as Gant, Guardian, and Fever charged from behind the armed man. Secret was surprised by the blade the appeared from his opponent’s torso and laughed as he realized his friends had his back. Gant pulled his blade from Secret’s attacker.
The other mercenary crawled with his blade in hand, determined to sink his blade into Secret for taking down his partner, but his attempts were cut short by Guardian. Guardian swung his blade towards the man’s neck and killed him almost instantly. The merchant attempted to play dead, and due to Blindeye’s distance from him, she bought it. However, none of the four members believed that he was actually dead. Gant held his finger up, and with Fever’s help, brought the man to his feet. With his finger still held up, he looked towards Secret.
“Please proceed, sir” said Gant. Secret nodded.
“Why thank you,” replied Secret as he directed his attention towards the merchant, “Your life, or a small sum of gold.”
The merchant was clearly persuaded and told Guardian where to find the coins they desired.
“Thank you, good sir, you are free to go.” Said Secret. Guardian, Fever, and Secret walked away and Gant stayed behind to clean up the mess.
“Are you going to let me go?” the merchant asked nervously.
Gant leaned his head towards the man’s ears, with his finger still held up in the air towards Blindeye. Her bow was ready. Gant brought his voice down to a whisper, “You’re evidence and a witness.” Gant lowered his finger and she fired.

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Old 12-04-2009, 08:55 PM
urntme (Offline)
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You are making one of the grandest of mistakes that most authors do in the begining. You are telling, instead of showing. This forum has tips in the tips section. I would recommend reading those articles. They will help.

Secondly, it's an interesting idea, but I feel the execution is just not up to the mark. If these people are blood thirsty thugs, then I feel the writing should reflect that. Your writing should be dark, and brooding as well.

Not telling it as it is, as you have done here.

Anyway, that's my two rupees. Take what you will of it. I hope I've helped.

Best of luck. Keep writing.

Cheers.
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Old 12-06-2009, 12:19 PM
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At first it started like narration then came picturization, Flow is natural, Planning robbery, execution and their dirty trick of lying were all catchy (movie material)
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Old 12-06-2009, 12:20 PM
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Agree with Urntme, but it's really wonderful considering that it's your first.
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Old 12-06-2009, 08:08 PM
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I appreciate your tips/opinions guys i really do!

If these people are blood thirsty thugs, then I feel the writing should reflect that. Your writing should be dark, and brooding as well.

Hehe...It is later in the story where the darkness is kept. I do see what you mean, perhaps establishing myself as a darker writer in the beginning instead of looking forward to the end (I like it that much) would be better for me.

Thanks again for the advice!
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Old 12-09-2009, 04:22 AM
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You started the narration well, but somewhere it got lost in the middle.
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