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  #1  
Old 02-15-2018, 07:20 AM
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Standing near her stove, Jane stirred the contents inside the pot with a tall wooden spoon. The flavor escaping from the pot found its way to her nostrils. "Yummy," she said, peering over her shoulder at the handsome man sitting at the table. "I hope you're not a vegetarian."

The man, whose fingers encircled a wine glass, laughed at her before saying, "Iím a crapetarian."

"A what?" Janice responded, with a weird expression on her face.

Adam raised his glass, sipping some merlot. When he returned the glass onto the checkered tablecloth, he repeated, "I'm a crapartarian."

The attractive brunette released her grip on the wooden spoon and strolled by the table to confront her date. Standing with both hands on her hips, she playfully demanded, "Now what on earth is a crapetarian?"

"You mean you donít know?" Adam smiled.

"I will after you tell me," she replied, wagging a finger at him.

Adam tapped the side of his wine glass. "Okay," he said, to the shapely Janice who was towering over him, "a crapetarian is someone who lives on junk food."

"Oh, boy," Janice said, flinging her arms above her head while scampering to the pot on the stove. "You are such a weirdo."

"You donít like my definition?" Adam giggled while clutching the glass; he was enjoying himself with both drinking the wine and teasing Janice.

"I hope ... you eat ... beef stew," Janice stammered, "because ... that is what ... we are having ... for dinner."

"Shoot, I donít eat meat anymore. I haven't touched meat in years."

"Good for you," Janice sarcastically countered, while stirring the pot.

Adam rose from his chair, sneaking behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. Swinging her around, he drew her body closer to his. As the two embraced in the small kitchin, the tantalizing aroma of basil, nutmeg, cloves, potatoes, peas, carrots, and beef engulfed it. "Your cooking smells delicious," he Adam, looking into her hazel eyes.

Janice flung both arms around his neck and whispered into his ear: "You're eating meat tonight, aren't you? I don't want to eat dinner alone."

Adam glanced into the simmering pot of beef stew just as Janice placed her mouth near his. Her warm breath flowed into his mouth as she covered his lips with her own.

When the two stopped kissing, Adam rested his chin on her shoulder. "I would never let you eat alone," he said, thinking about dessert.




 

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Old 02-15-2018, 08:28 AM
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Puzzling that these two seem to have established a close relationship, yet she does not know he is vegetarian.

You spelt 'kitchen' wrongly as 'kitchin', near the end.

You spell 'crapetarian' thus most times, but in one place as 'crapatarian'.

Otherwise competently written. It gives a very strong sense of how fond these two people are with each other, but I would need a bit more than this to want to read more. This scene seems just like character setting and interlude between the main plot.

Last edited by Phoenix Lazarus; 02-15-2018 at 10:20 AM..
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Old 02-15-2018, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Phoenix Lazarus View Post
Puzzling that these two seem to have established a close relationship, yet she does not know he is vegetarian.

You spelt 'kitchen' wrongly as 'kitchin', near the end.

You spell 'crapetarian' thus most times, but in one place as 'crapatarian'.

Otherwise competently written. It gives a very strong sense of how fond these two people are with each other, but I would need a bit more than this to want to read more. This scene seems just like character setting and interlude between the main plot.

Thanks. Tried to correct the misspelling of "kitchen" but could not return to page to make correction. Crapetarian/crapatarian -- guess I'm a crappy speller.

These are just "snapshot" stories designed to improve writing ability. Sorry, if they are unfulfilling to any reader. Perhaps, it would be sensible to place them in "free writing" section.

Last edited by Cityboy; 02-15-2018 at 12:03 PM..
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Old 02-18-2018, 11:50 AM
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The writing is fine. Could use a little tightening, activate "was towering," etc. It seems to lack subtext. Hint at what's really going on between them. There has to be more than a kiss at stake.
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Old 02-18-2018, 12:02 PM
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Haven't I read and commented on this piece years ago?
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Old 02-18-2018, 02:13 PM
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What's really going on is if he doesn't eat any meat he isn't going to get any. Just a snapshot ... not an alleged masterpiece. Do I know my writing is not where I'd like it to be -- certainly. But, I won't get bent out of shape if somebody says it "sucks" because that critic might just be right. If one doesn't have a spine in this business, one needs to go sell beer at ballparks. Writing isn't anyplace for wimpy crybabies. And thanks for the input ... spshane.
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Old 02-18-2018, 09:51 PM
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Never said your story sucks. Just suggested some subtext to build tension. If you want to read something that sucks, look at Ninja & the Bear-Man, or most of the shit I write. We're not all trying to be Bill Shakespeare. I'm 69, just shy of 70, with stage 3 Parkinson Disease. It's hard for me to express a coherent thought most days, but I want to write a collection of stories, so that my grandkids don't remember as just some slobbering drunk asshole. It's a little late for me to be this big shit writer; that's not why I do this.
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Old 02-25-2018, 02:44 PM
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You may have taken my comments just a bit too personal. It was a general statement, not aimed at you.

As for your condition, my father had Parkinson disease and a few others, but he never complained and couldn't wait to greet the day. If your grandchildren think of you as a slobbering drunk and you never were, then they have a major problem.

No such thing as a big shit writer ... a lot of time, energy, and work required to make it in this business. So, whoever did make it, hats off to them. If they have psychological problems, then it's another issue with nothing to do with the writing skills they mastered.

Stay well.
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Old 02-26-2018, 02:06 PM
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Its stiff, and overly described in parts it shouldn't be. Too many prepositions. You're still in the rewriting stage. It takes awhile to get to the editing stage.

If I were to rewrite this I would change descriptions as thus:

"Steam swirled, seeking to capture the wooden culprit swirling its contents. The grained cutlery stirred the pot, brown liquid sloshing in its wake. Jane's manicured hand steered the aggravator. "Mmmmm," she sighed. Aroma rising, twisting through her nostrils, tantalizing tastebuds to salivate. The frothing mixture summoning sweat on her brow. She cast a glance at the handsome date huddled over his vintage. "Hope you're not a vegetarian," she said arching an eyebrow."

Or something that's rough.

Notice the action, drawing the reader in like a camera. Ones words are the camera. Notice the dialogue, real, ommiting arbitrary words. People do not use pronouns and determined as much.
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Last edited by daes13; 02-26-2018 at 02:08 PM..
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Old 03-03-2018, 04:54 AM
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daes13, thank you for the honest evaluation. In truth, you haven't told me anything that I already knew. Perfection takes effort and time. But, honesty is still the best policy.
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  #11  
Old 03-03-2018, 09:18 AM
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Cityboy,

If daes13 told you what you already knew, then why wasn't that knowledge applied to this piece? I smell a liar.

And with a short piece like this that was originally written years ago, don't you think some perfection should be shining through in it by now? Still, I see none.
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Old 03-03-2018, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Konan View Post
Cityboy,

If daes13 told you what you already knew, then why wasn't that knowledge applied to this piece? I smell a liar.

And with a short piece like this that was originally written years ago, don't you think some perfection should be shining through in it by now? Still, I see none.
Konan, didn't I make it clear to you -- it's time to remove your diapers.
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Old 03-03-2018, 10:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
Konan, didn't I make it clear to you -- it's time to remove your diapers.
Eh? A classic Shell -- er, Cityboy response. I can only think it references the "wimpy crybaby" you mentioned earlier, except that was as a writer, was it not? And now it's applied to a critiquer, and I'm confused.

You didn't make it clear to me.

But moving on beyond illogical conversation, I'd split up the action between, "Yummy," and, "I hope you're not a vegetarian." I'd think she'd say, "Yummy" while smelling the stew, then turn and say, "I hope etc.

Also, the whole scene with her releasing her grip on the spoon, then strolling by the table to confront her date with both hands on hips seems awkward and unclear. Most people don't leave a spoon in the pot as it's cooking, "strolling by" indicates she walks past him, not to him, and I could see her shaking a spoon at him (the one she didn't leave in the pot) playfully before I could see her standing with both hands on hips.

Hope this helps.
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Old 03-03-2018, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Konan View Post
Cityboy,

If daes13 told you what you already knew, then why wasn't that knowledge applied to this piece? I smell a liar.

And with a short piece like this that was originally written years ago, don't you think some perfection should be shining through in it by now? Still, I see none.
Konan, you're not like some of these other idiots who frequent this place. Really, you're not a bad person -- not a hater -- just somewhat childish.
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Old 03-03-2018, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
Konan, you're not like some of these other idiots who frequent this place. Really, you're not a bad person -- not a hater -- just somewhat childish.
So instead of addressing my criticisms of your piece, you're going to resort to attacking my character (and calling frequent forum members idiots? Interesting.

Last edited by Konan; 03-03-2018 at 11:01 AM..
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Old 03-03-2018, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
Konan, you're not like some of these other idiots who frequent this place. Really, you're not a bad person -- not a hater -- just somewhat childish.


I agree! We have to do something about all these haters around here. Theyíre driving off the good clientele!

Hold on... lemme get another cookie and a big glass of scotch, and weíll figure this out.


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Old 03-03-2018, 12:06 PM
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Konan, I had no intention of going down this road with you. But, since you thrust yourself into my path, I'm going to school you -- for free! It seems to me that you're no big fan of liars, right. Well, everyone knows that politicians are the biggest and the best liars, so answer the question (without lying): when was the last time you wrote a letter to your congressman or congresswoman to complain about their lying to the public? That's where you should put your time and energy -- on the giant stage -- to make a real difference in the world. Not following around with a minor audience by pointing your finger at me, a person you don't even know. Okay ... aim big. That advice is free.

Now another thing about lying (which might blow your mind since you despise it so much). Telling a lie might not be the worst thing a person can do. For instance, years back, I was at an amusement park with a gal I was dating. She had a lovely seven-year-old daughter whom she brought along. Now, we had spent many hours there and I had spent nearly all my money (you know how it is for the working class stiffs). We passed a haunted house which excited the daughter. The little girl wanted to go inside. Embarrassed foe not having enough dough to pay for the three of us, I told the kid this: "You know, in that haunted house is a terrible witch who will kidnap you and take you away from your mommy." A little honest fear in the form of a white lie never harmed anyone. The daughter changed her mind after my lie.

So, you see, lying can sometimes be useful; it depends upon the situation. But, politicians and the public -- that's another story. So get busy with your letter to them because young man, you have places to go yet!

Your personality reminds me of your writing; a few adjustments will make both special. Good luck, kiddo.
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Old 03-03-2018, 12:16 PM
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Cityboy,

I don't take accept free advice.

So basically, you lied to avoid this girl and her mother from knowing you were poor. Again, interesting.

As for the rest of what you said, it was all very amusing.
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Old 03-03-2018, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
In truth, you haven't told me anything that I already knew.
Damn and here I was being a pedant and thought he was saying I told him many things he didn't already know... Guess I should read into things more
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Old 03-03-2018, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
Damn and here I was being a pedant and thought he was saying I told him many things he didn't already know... Guess I should read into things more
Hey, I thanked you for your sincere comments. I already explained it takes time for perfection. I mean, I know where my writing level is. It has to be raised a few notches. All the same, thanks. Not being sarcastic.
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Old 03-03-2018, 12:27 PM
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Read that line I quoted, literally. And then look what it spawned by someone inputting the thought that wasnt literally written. Its pretty hilarious
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Old 03-03-2018, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Konan View Post
Cityboy,

I don't take accept free advice.

So basically, you lied to avoid this girl and her mother from knowing you were poor. Again, interesting.

As for the rest of what you said, it was all very amusing.
Konan, my last but vital piece of advice to you -- don't listen to dickheads who lie to you about your writing. They'll send you to the bottom faster than any torpedo will. I don't have to name names; they usually show up right after I enter a thread. Clowns and puppets with a capital "C" and "P." Again, good luck. See you around.
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Old 03-03-2018, 12:45 PM
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Didn't I just tell you I don't take free advice?

The listening skills on this one, wow.
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Old 03-03-2018, 01:21 PM
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Jesus, you two are embarrassing.

Is anyone else here actually trying to write?
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Old 03-03-2018, 05:34 PM
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Originally Posted by JesseK1213 View Post
Jesus, you two are embarrassing.

Is anyone else here actually trying to write?
Are you?
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Old 03-03-2018, 06:48 PM
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Yes.
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Old 03-03-2018, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Konan View Post
Are you?


Read B-list Horror Flick.


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Old 03-03-2018, 10:50 PM
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Don't read it. The efficacy of my writing, or lack thereof, has no bearing on my comment, and that comment is, You two are children.

Am I trying to write? You bet your ass I am, trying being the operative word. I've written fifteen short stories in the past ten months totaling over 70k words, not counting the ones I haven't finished or the ones that were total dog shit.

Trying. Yeah, fuck me.

"Good for you," Konan says.

Yeah, exactly. Lotta good it's done.
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Old 04-16-2018, 04:43 PM
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Nobody is asking the really big question here.

Is Adam having a threesome with Jane and Janice!
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Old 05-05-2018, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
Its stiff, and overly described in parts it shouldn't be. Too many prepositions. You're still in the rewriting stage. It takes awhile to get to the editing stage.

If I were to rewrite this I would change descriptions as thus:

"Steam swirled, seeking to capture the wooden culprit swirling its contents. The grained cutlery stirred the pot, brown liquid sloshing in its wake. Jane's manicured hand steered the aggravator. "Mmmmm," she sighed. Aroma rising, twisting through her nostrils, tantalizing tastebuds to salivate. The frothing mixture summoning sweat on her brow. She cast a glance at the handsome date huddled over his vintage. "Hope you're not a vegetarian," she said arching an eyebrow."

Or something that's rough.

Notice the action, drawing the reader in like a camera. Ones words are the camera. Notice the dialogue, real, ommiting arbitrary words. People do not use pronouns and determined as much.
I think the suggested paragraph is a bit of overwriting, but that's one persons opinion. I enjoyed the original as posted.
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