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What is wrong with me?..

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Old 03-26-2018, 01:52 PM
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Default What is wrong with me?..


No quoting please... Nick?


Live Like a Saint

God's in the bottle
just a few shots deep,
Righteous Psalms in each swallow,
Everlasting life til the end.

Filter to lips, flick the Bic,
Each ember's sizzle a holy sacrament,
Every cloud of smoke
a sacred prayer, heaven sent.

Dripping sweat, swapping spit,
Hovering high above another,
On bended knee, give confession,
Plead for divine absolution.

Die like a Martyr.

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Old 03-26-2018, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
No quoting please... Nick?


Live Like a Saint

God's in the bottle
just a few shots deep,
Righteous Psalms in each swallow,
Everlasting life til the end.

Filter to lips, flick the Bic,
Each ember's sizzle a holy sacrament,
Every cloud of smoke
a sacred prayer, heaven sent.

Dripping sweat, swapping spit,
Hovering high above another,
On bended knee, give confession,
Plead for divine absolution.

Die like a Martyr.

This is a list. Ya gotta be real careful when presenting a list. When it reads like a dogma dirge it can't do much.

It needs tangent to become real. To be alive. You could go with breaking the fourth wall. You could go out of the scenario for a line or so and then return.
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Old 03-26-2018, 02:12 PM
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Intersecting Mr. Pierce. Thanks as always. Maybe I can actually turn the ramble into something
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Old 03-27-2018, 10:32 AM
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"God's in the bottle" is a good start. I'd like to see every stanza start with "God's in"...

"heaven sent" means that it come from heaven; you might change it to mean it's rising toward heaven.

The last stanza is a troubled metaphor; hard to figure out the physical positions. Also, between confession and absolution, there must be penance.

There is a conceptual gap, too, between the plea for absolution and the death of a martyr. You could perhaps include a fourth stanza of defiance or rebellion that you could get killed for. Maybe put penance in there and absolution at the last rites.

Having mentioned confession, you're squarely in RC territory: might as well use the rich catholic imagery.
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Old 03-27-2018, 11:05 AM
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Thank you palindrome. Really like thesuggestion of relating God's in, and the inclusion of thedefiant stanza. Once my wrist gets better ill write again
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Old 03-27-2018, 07:12 PM
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Once my eyes get better, I will read again.
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Old 04-04-2018, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
Thank you palindrome. Really like thesuggestion of relating God's in, and the inclusion of thedefiant stanza. Once my wrist gets better ill write again

Don't slit your wrists and die like a martyr

Die like a martyr. Great waste
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