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And You Almost Thought Heaven Was A Real Place

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  #1  
Old 12-19-2010, 08:00 PM
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Default And You Almost Thought Heaven Was A Real Place


A crayon-colored heart
And a boy in the rain
He's changing inside
He's feeling new pain
A pretty young girl
He won't see again

You swore to God you'd tell her
You can't stand reality's sting
But it all got fucked up
And you almost thought love was a real thing

A bottle of pills
A disease deep inside
She gave him a kiss
And she waved him goodbye
His brain shut down later
And he died

You prayed to God that He'd save him
But what fucking good did it bring?
How can you die so young?
And you almost thought hope was a real thing

The shattered glass
Late at night
The twisted metal
The broken light
Spontaneous
You're not alright

You cry to God that you'll live
You don't want to die, you can't be erased
You look into the light for a second
And you almost thought Heaven was a real place

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  #2  
Old 12-28-2010, 02:25 PM
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Hi Jinjonator,

Hmm, good idea on this one. Rhythm was good throughout, only this halted me, "His brain shut down later, though that could be because of the punctuation. Yeah, I think punctuation. Maybe under a different format, this could be something better.
More of an impact...

The poem feels more like spoken word...

I liked it.
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Old 12-28-2010, 03:24 PM
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If you were to write this without the rhyming it would be near unassailable.
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Old 12-28-2010, 03:35 PM
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Ooof, a one liner. I can do better than that.
What I mean to express is as you jump the material jingle like your voice (and here I mean to indicate YOUR VOICE) is submerged into an oceanlike morass of common form.
Nothin' wrong with that if there is nothing of note to be said.

You got a couple a hot irons here, cowboy.
Try brandin' some doggies on the forehead or at least on the front shoulder.
You can always go back to hittin' 'em alongside the ass like everyone else later.
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:24 PM
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Hi Jinjonator,

I like the rythm and rhyme. It is more challenging to rhyme to be sure. I got confused by the "you's" in your piece. In the second section you seemed to be the boy "you swore you'd tell her" but later in the piece the you became someone watching over the boy "you hoped He would save him". Forgive me if the quotes are not exact. I got confused following the narrative part of the piece.

Best to you,
Andulasia
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Old 12-28-2010, 07:15 PM
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Each section is actually telling a different story. I decided to switch up the gender in the second one to make that more apparent, but I guess it just made it more confusing
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