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Contest Results | Fiction | Love Gone Wrong (February 2008)

 
 
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Old 03-02-2008, 04:06 AM
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Default Contest Results | Fiction | Love Gone Wrong (February 2008)


Thank you to everyone who participated in the past month's Fiction contest. Seven good stories were submitted, but unfortunately we have to choose only one.

The past month's winner is Disappointing Dating written by Jimbo. Congratulations!

Here are your scores:

19.333 - Jimbo

15.333 - Danny

13.833 - Danster

13.666 - writing kim

12.166 - marmot & Just Desserts (tie)

10.833 - Tau Worlock

10 - Emy LaCrotch

---

Originally Posted by Mridula
Member: Just Desserts
Title: vivinfrance

Mechanics: 2.5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: This was an interesting story, though riddled with grammatical errors. You need to work on the usage of punctuation. I found my interest sagging towards the middle, but the end wrapped it up nicely. You’ve used some clever phrases here and there and I can see potential in this.

Score: 12/20

-----------------------

Member: Danny
Title: Love and Permutations

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: What a brilliant tale you’ve spun! The ending completely cracked me up! I never once suspected the object to be a Rubik’s cube. My only problem was that the dialogue was stunted. Other than that, excellent work!

Score: 19/20

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Member: writing kim
Title: The Mail Order Bride

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: This was a phenomenal improvement from stories I’ve seen by you earlier! Unfortunately, I don’t think this lived up to the prompt. The ‘gone wrong’ part was there, but not the ‘love’. Had this been another prompt, I’d have definitely given you more points. The clinching line was perfect, and there were only a few typos. There were several comma splices, which cut from your Mechanics. Overall, good effort!

Score: 13/20

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Member: Danster
Title: Love Gone Wrong

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: I enjoyed reading this. I had a sense of what was going to happen in the end, but that did not detract from the story. There were places where my attention lagged, but overall, I found this to be a good story.

Score: 15/20

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Member: Jimbo
Title: Disappointing Dating

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10

Comments: Perfect! There was just the right amount of details and humour to sustain interest through the story. The ending was spot on! Truly the best date for Doug. Excellent entry!

Score: 20/20

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Member: Emy LaCrotch
Title:

Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 4/10

Comments: Frankly, I was put off by the several punctuation and spelling errors. The story itself was not too intriguing. I was unable to find much humour in it. This would have got more points if it had stuck to the prompt.

Score: 9/20

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Member: marmot
Title: Knight of Faith

Mechanics: 2.5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: I found this to be an interesting story. The wicked side of this appealed to me. There were several typos, but the overall read was good.

Score: 13/20

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Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Sorry

Mechanics: 2.5/5
Intangibles: 2.5/5
Overall Impression: 4/10

Comments: While I can appreciate the ‘Love Gone Wrong’ part, this did not follow the prompt in terms of humour. There were several SPAG issues throughout and I wasn’t fully engaged while reading this. However, with some work, this story has potential.

Score: 9/20
Originally Posted by Icarus
Member: vivinfrance
Title: Just desserts

Mechanics: 2.5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

The overall story arc of this isn’t bad, but a few things tripped me up. First, your main character can’t seem to decide if she’s called Jilly or Mary. Second, far too much space is given to questions—it gets repetitive. Also, the prompt asked for a humorous story about love going wrong; I don’t see anything funny about this.

Score: 12.5/20

*****

Member: Danny
Title: Love & Permutations

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Well this certainly made me laugh. I enjoyed the fact that he was so entirely focused on the item in his pocket all night, despite the fact that he was having a good time with a girl he liked. Some of your punctuation and grammar could use a little work.

Score: 15/20

*****

Member: writing kim
Title: The Mail Order Bride

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

You need to work on your punctuation; for instance, you repeatedly place your periods outside your quotation marks and you have a few run-on sentences. This had a nice twist and I can actually imagine an old guy getting confused about what he was purchasing. However, I would have liked to learn why he was ordering what he thought was a real woman in the first place; details like that would have drawn me in to his character more.

Score: 13.5/20

*****

Member: Danster
Title: Love gone wrong

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

You tend to have a little bit of pronoun confusion, but otherwise this was pretty clean. I like the innocence Matthew shows (though I’d like to hope he’d be a little wiser were he not under the influence of puppy love) and the fate of the letter in the trash can. Read the prompt carefully next time: it asked for a humorous story.

Score: 14.5/20

*****

Member: Jimbo
Title: Disappointing Dating

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10

Oh, very clever. I enjoyed Doug’s antics about his appearance—very realistic and yet absurd at the same time. In fact, I liked everything about this. The only thing I would suggest is that you ease up on the italicizing. Well done!

Score: 20/20

*****

Member: Emy LaCrotch
Title: In Love And Mud

Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

I wasn’t overly pleased by your narrator’s style—a bit too chummy with the reader, and with a few too many unanswered questions and exclamation points—and you have some run-on sentences. This was also more sweet than humorous.

Score: 10/20

*****

Member: marmot
Title: Knight of Faith

Mechanics: 3.5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

A few grammar issues—the most frequent being a mix-up between to and too—and a few misplaced commas, among other things. Aside from that, I didn’t seem to be any flow to the story. I think this was because any time you got a bit of narrative going, you kept interrupting yourself to make bold but unnecessary (because they are redundant) statements (i.e. “No more kicks and giggles, just viagra and memory pills.”). In short: a little too much telling and no showing. I understand that’s the nature of this story and the way you chose to tell it, but keep in mind that you have to keep your readers involved.

Score: 14/20

*****

Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Sorry

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Ouch. Talk about a bad break. A nice change of pace from the other entries, which dealt more with romantic love, and I think you set up the character of John pretty well. A few errors here and there, and perhaps the relationship between father and daughter could have been fleshed out a bit more. I also deducted a point because this was not a humorous story, as the prompt required.

Score: 12.5/20
Originally Posted by Queen of Wands
Member: vivinfrance
Title: Love Gone Wrong

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

This just seemed to plod along in no great hurry to an ending that was okay, when what was wanted was a surprise, a twist, or a bang. There were also overlong sentences, small slips in the tense, and cliches, added to which the dialogue did not always flow as naturally as it ought.

Score: 12/20
--------------------
Member: Danny
Title: Love & Permutations

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

It was obvious that the geek was not carrying the obvious 'necessaries', but the Rubik's Cube was a fun surprise. Still, there were SPAG and formatting errors, particularly with the dialogue, that let this down.

Score: 12/20
--------------------
Member: writing kim
Title: The Mail Order Bride

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

A great idea but this needs more thought to details to make it work. Would an inflatable doll require such a large box, and why would the box have air-holes? Also, from the moment David opens the box, we are 'in the know', and that is far too soon. In a few places, you switch between characters in a way that can be confusing; and I probably don't need to mention run-on sentences. (Still causing you trouble, I see. ) Having said all that, this had a really good opening sentence. One of hte best, in fact.

Score: 14.5/20
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Member: Danster
Title: Love Gone Wrong

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

The second sentence in is plagued by subject confusion: who is squriming and kicking, and is that what you've written? There are errors of punctuation throughout, as well as places where the writing could be tightened up. For example: ...gave a wave to Matthew... could easily read ...waved at Matthew.... I felt very much like an observer watching, but was never drawn into the story. Lastly, this was short on humour.

Score: 12/20
--------------------
Member: Jimbo
Title: Disappointing Dating

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 10/10

A few minor spelling errors that might easily have been typos, but they cost you. Also, you do have rather a lot of long sentences. Final niggle: I'm not sure about using two present participles as a title, because they don't mesh well. Otherwise, this was a very humorous story told in a controlled and effective manner. There were some great lines, too, such as: The only thing I would hook you up to would be the mains. Great job!

Score: 18/20
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Member: Emy LaCrotch
Title: In Love and Mud

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

I was so distracted by impossibles and improbables, that I missed any humour that might have been lurking here. Specifically, that was some long trip to town by bicycle: 45 to 60 minutes. Was he really considering walking this distance? Also, his road is paved with concrete, and yet his neghbours have stables that abut the road. I don't think so. Finally, the ending goes against the prompt - no happy endings allowed.

Score: 11/20
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Member: Marmot
Title: Knight of Faith

Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 2.5/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

There are so many errors of spelling, punctuation and grammar that I soon lost count, hence the low score for Mechanics. The pacing was non-existant and the story was all over the place. You need to organise your thoughts before you begin to write. Perhaps an outline would help. Final comment: this was completely lacking in humour (and I have a twisted sense of humour) so missed the prompt by a mile.

Score: 9.5/20
--------------------
Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Sorry

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

To echo your title, sorry, but there are quite a lot of errors SPAG-wise, no humour, and this is not really about 'love gone wrong'. This just missed the mark by too much.

Score: 11/20

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Last edited by Cordatus; 03-02-2008 at 04:29 AM..
  #2  
Old 03-02-2008, 04:27 AM
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Congratulation Jimbo
Well done.


Yes, I know I did not follow the humour part of the prompt. It just would not work. Sorry for a substandard read.
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Old 03-02-2008, 08:33 AM
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Many thanks to the judges for your hard work in reading and scoring the entries.

And, well, blimey, thanks so much for picking me as the winner. I can't describe how unexpected it was when I heard, or at least, not without sounding like I'm collecting a lifetime achievement award or something.

Thanks for the congrats, Tau
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Old 03-03-2008, 01:24 AM
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Heh, good stuff.

Cracking feedback judges! Just the sort of stuff you want from a competition entry.

Congrats to Jimbo, I must admit his was the only one I actually laughed at! And mine wasn't really very funny.... unless you are of a particular cruel bent.

Looking forward to next month's topic.

Cheers
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Old 03-03-2008, 01:42 PM
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This was an enjoyable topic. Congrats Jimbo!
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