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WOrk in progress

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Old 02-05-2017, 07:49 AM
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Default WOrk in progress


Hey guys and gals i've been out of it a while, so i've decided to write something mild to get an idea of if it's somewhat decent so far. I will mention it may seem confusing, but before the entirety of whats going on ends it will be filled in so anyone reading will be aware of everything being said =)

“Hurry, this way everyone we haven’t much time.” Groups of women, children, elderly, and men not suited for combat followed the lead of an appointed military commander through underground tunnels. “Stay close and keep pace, anyone left behind is considered dead!” The sounds of labored breathing and gasps increased the further they made their way through. Accompanying the commander was his lieutenant Shiro who was in charge of keeping the groups organized.

“Commander we need to stop briefly.” The commander pushed on and signaled everyone to do the same. “Please sir look at them, they can’t keep on like this!” He briefly checked something on his wrist and continued walking. “Damn it listen to me!” Shiro grabbed the commander’s shoulder and whipped him around meeting him eye to eye. “Sir look at them we need to stop for a moment. Please Commander Jiegan just a short moment.” Shiro’s eyes held a watery glow as he pleaded. Jiegan looked past Shiro at the faces of the group members. They were dripping with sweat, their breathing was stifled and many tried to fan themselves or their children. Jiegan hadn’t realized how the conditions had changed so swiftly.

“Shiro, what’s the temperature reading at the moment?” Shiro rummaged through his pockets and withdrew a small square device that upon request projected a glowing display of the temperature and time. After seeing the display Shiro cut it swiftly before it caught the group’s attention.

“Ninety-eight degrees and climbing sir.” Shiro peered over towards the group. Some of them needed help standing. Others argued among themselves about rations, the conditions above, and execution of the evacuation. It wasn’t long before tensions burned through reason and one group became hostile.

“That’s enough I can’t take this shit any longer!” One of the men waved his arm around fiercely gesturing at different people. “If it wasn’t for the Starborn none of this would be happening! Look at us running like rodents through an oven crossing our fingers hoping we don’t meet our end around every unseen shadow before us.” He continued on wide eyed and spitting with each word. Despite his harsh tone, many people began to rally with him and together they grew louder and more unstable. “I think it’s time we had a change of command, starting with killing every starborn child in this group!” Radical shouts and cheering caused the remnants of the group to back away as far as they could. One mother stood up and walked toward them, her legs trembling with each step.

“You can’t blame every Starborn for what’s happening out there, you know that. They are blessed by the Celestials and are a gift to mankind. They’re not some curse or plague that will go away by you cynical men killing helpless children.” The woman’s body shook as the radical leader slowly stepped to her, but she held her ground. “You will not intimidate us, we will protect our beliefs and our family’s.” A violent shriek filled the air and blood began to spill over the woman’s shadow.

“I’m trying to protect my family too, we are just as important as you.” Her lip quivered unable to cease and her eyes began to grow dull and still. “I refuse to allow my family and friends to die because of Starborn monsters!” He pushed the woman to ground revealing a glinting silver item in his right hand.” If I have to choose between killing every starborn and their families, or letting everyone suffer, well I guess my choice is clear. I hope that’s a big enough statement for all of you, especially you commander.” He pointed a bloody finger at Jiegan, the sounds of his breathing mimicked a rabid animal.

“You think you’re a big man huh?” The sounds of Shiro’s boots slowly echoed through the tunnel. “Threatening small children, helpless men and women, does that make u feel big?” Theirs eyes began to reflect off each other as Shiro’s footsteps ceased. “Try me, c’mon.” The crazed man slid backwards as Shiro took another step forward. “What’s wrong? Am I not weak enough for you?” With a loud yell the man took a wild slash at Shiro that ended abruptly.

“Pretty difficult to move isn’t it, with your arm locked this way.” The radicals eyes began to strain and he grit his teeth back and forth until he gave out and fell to his knees.

“Let me go! It hurts it hurts!” Shiro sneered and gave a slight twist causing the man to yell out in pain. “Please! I’m only trying to protect my family, give me a break!” Shiro’s eyes went cold and he placed a foot on the man’s head burring it into the muddy ground.

“Sure, I’ll give you a hell of a break.” Muffled scream filled the air, repeated rounds of slurred cries. Shiro released his arm and it fell the opposite way of where it was originally, like a split wooden steak hanging on by its ends.

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Last edited by Fail writer; 02-10-2017 at 04:16 AM.. Reason: Continuation
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Old 02-05-2017, 09:52 AM
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You might want to proofread a little before you post.

“Hurry, this way everyone we haven’t much time” Groups of women, children, elderly and men not suited for combat followed the lead of an appointed military commander through underground tunnels.” Stay close and keep pace, anyone left behind is considered dead!”

This is how it should look:
“Hurry, this way everyone we haven’t much time.” Groups of women, children, elderly and men not suited for combat followed the lead of an appointed military commander through underground tunnels. "Stay close and keep pace. Anyone left behind is considered dead!”

The rest isn't any cleaner.

I'd suggest taking a class to learn the basics of grammar. I know some people don't think "SPAG" matters but it's like going to a job interview with a big ol' mustard stain on your tie.
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Old 02-05-2017, 11:47 AM
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I actually didn't submit the correct version of this which has all that fixed. Which is a my bad moment, but I am well aware. ^^
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Old 02-10-2017, 04:16 AM
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Added a little more ~
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Old 02-10-2017, 09:07 AM
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Why?
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Old 02-10-2017, 10:04 AM
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why what
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Old 02-10-2017, 01:57 PM
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Why did you add a little more?
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Old 02-10-2017, 02:47 PM
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why not?
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Old 02-10-2017, 02:57 PM
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Because no one else has responded to it? Posting it as a new thread would get more notice.
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Old 02-10-2017, 03:04 PM
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that may not be a bad idea guy . While I'm at it i guess I should come up with a name for it.
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