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Fantasy Novel: Whistlestop Chapter 22

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Old 01-15-2017, 08:14 AM
Annamarth (Offline)
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Default Fantasy Novel: Whistlestop Chapter 22


Xavier knew he had to decide once and for all how he was going to tackle his mating problem. The choice hung over his head and fogged up his brain. He needed a clear mind to focus on the search for the Wolfville attacker.



Xavier sat unobtrusively on a patio chair on the outer edge of the informal seating arrangements on the deck at the back of the clubhouse. His wolf was pleasantly exhausted. He ran the course twice by backing up and then ran until he caught up with the group he ran with. He managed to run circles around the pack groups pretending to be exhausted, which in the end he was. The wolf he was trying to find continued to evade him, and after a brief, intense internal debate, he had given his wolf full control. For that brief moment in time, Xavier was at peace with himself.



He watched the mated humans preparing a late supper for the pack. The night air was pleasant, bright stars above and a red hot fire burning in the fire pit. His body zinged with endorphins, and his legs were feeling sluggish. He just wanted to enjoy the disconnected feeling before he had to face his immediate future. Xavier gave an involuntary groan when he saw Paul walking towards him with a big smile on his face.


“Eric told us of how you changed the house at the lake. I cannot wait to see it. Ooh, I am already picturing where I will put our furniture,” he said flapping his hands about.


“Why?” was Xavier’s cold reply.


“It used to be our home. I cannot wait, Arthur said after your contract is over we would move back,” continued Paul pointing to where Arthur and Charles were standing against the balustrade, deep in conversation.


“It would be interesting to see how he accomplish that,” said Xavier and he moved his cold eyes over Paul’s slender form, “Just a warning, it is private property, and uninvited guests could meet with a nasty accident.”


“Ooh, you joker, there is nothing dangerous there,” he giggled nervously.


“Go away,” snarled Xavier, exposing his fangs to the startled man. It was the height of bad form for a wolf to show his teeth at a mated person, but he could not care. Xavier’s eyes glowed iridescently with anger, and for a moment Paul stood frozen in fear. He quietly moved backward, and the frightened man turned and ran to hide behind Arthur.


“Do not scare the wildlife,” laughed Michael who lowered himself with a satisfied sigh on a nearby empty chair.


Xavier rubbed the scar on the side of his face, and he growled softly before he replied, “That man should stay away from me, or I will rip his devious little heart out,” said Xavier in a cold, dispassionate voice.


“What did poor Paulie do to you?” asked Michael and turned his face towards Xavier in surprise.


“The very first time he saw me he lied to my face and repeated the same lie every time he sees me,” said Xavier after he waited a few moments so that he could get his wolf under control. “Shit, now my buzz is gone,” sighed Xavier with regret.


Michael chuckled unsympathetically and cautiously introduced the reason Xavier came to Wolfville, “We will have to postpone your hibernation until the dust has settled. It would be too obvious if you disappear now,” said Michael. He explained some of the hibernation checks and balances that were put in place to safeguard the program.


Xavier just shrugged, there was no way he would go off the grid for up to five years just to get a new identity. He was stuck in the open for now.


A group of young men entered the clubhouse, laughing and joking. Sandy was slapped on the back and ribbed by the pack’s young males. They were all exuberant, untried and rough around the edges. Most still needed to pass the different tests to identify their wolf’s primary skill. Sandy as ring leader and the oldest of the group was the first to successfully complete the enforcer selection trials.



“Jakes, gone off okay?” asked Michael as they plonked themselves near the firepit in front of Michael and Xavier.


“Yeah, like I stayed with him until the bus left the Forestry building,” replied Sandy. The boys howled and moaned and made kissing sounds. He just laughed and said they were jealous.


“Who was with you?” asked Michael in all seriousness, pack security being one of his responsibilities.



“A pack woman that lives in the City. I promised to give her a lift as she was helping Susan with Holly’s fashion show. She brought large bags of stuff the women were going to use,” he explained.


Michael grilled him about the security procedures he followed and if all the necessary registers were completed. Everytime Michael said something about searching or inspecting the boys howled and laughed.



Xavier noticed that Michael did not ask the name of the woman.


“What?” asked Michael irritated, glaring at the boys making such a racket.


“Like she is a stunner, and he had a date with her Friday night,” said an envious voice from the group.


Michael looked at Sandy his eyes boring into the flustered boy, “Date?”


“Just dinner before we returned home.”


“Like he’s got a selfie of them dancing,” said somebody not to be left out.


Sandy was forced to show both Michael and Xavier the photo on his phone. Michael complimented him on his lucky break, if that was the way he swung. Again the boys howled and laughed. They made such a rumpus that nobody noticed how quiet Xavier had suddenly become.


It was as if his world turned into a vortex. “The bloody woman, why can she not stay in one place. What drives her to change her appearance every time, making it difficult to keep track of her movements?” thundered Xavier’s thoughts as he stared at a photo of Joanne laughing up at Sandy. For the first time ever his wolf’s voice turned gravelly as he growled, “Mate with other men, not good.”


“Where is she now?” asked Michael.


Xavier held his breath for the answer and was in two minds about what his reaction should be when he heard that Sandy dropped her off at the station that evening. “At least she was not in town and near the wolf anymore. She like a jack in a box that keeps on popping up unexpectedly?” snarled Xavier to himself.


“I heard Paul has moved his office into Jakes room. He planned to move the boy’s furniture into the house, but the room was completely empty,” said Eric as he came to sit next to Michael.


Xavier saw the kids snicker, and he realized that there was an undercurrent amongst the young men, that the older people did not notice. Xavier shrugged, “not his problem,” he thought. He stood up said his goodbyes and walked towards the clubhouse exit, eager to leave, but Arthur stepped in front of him to block his departure.



“What is it with this man,” growled Xavier’s wolf, “always in my way.”


“Have you been in contact with Annie recently?” asked Arthur.


“Annie?” for a moment Xavier did not know who he was talking about.


“Your landlord?”


“Oh,” laughed Xavier self-consciously, in his mind’s eye, he saw how his wolf smacked him on the head. “No, I only time I saw her was with Eric and Michael, but I hardly had time to talk to her. She ran away like a crazy person the moment they drove up to the house,” and he waved towards the two men kissing in the shadow of the blazing fire.


“Silas wants to talk to her about your rental contract, he has not seen it, and he wants to make sure it covered all the bases.”

Xavier could not resist poking the bear. He shuffled his feet as if he was too nervous to ask, “By the way, Alpha, Michael reminded me that there was a hibernation protocol preventing uninvited pack wolves near my site. Something about unmated wolfs mixing with mated wolves or some such rule?” said Xavier and looked pointedly towards Paul.
“Pack knows the hibernation instructions,” said Arthur irritated, and continued, “Eric said the Council men left your house.”


“Yes, Alpha, that is why I was free to run tonight. Great run by the way,” said Xavier dropping his shoulders and stood in the standard submissive wolf posture.


His phone buzzed, and he noticed it was Ted saying, “He had news!”


“Pardon me Alpha, but I have to take this,” said Xavier


Silas walked towards his brother and Arthur was forced to speak to him. The moment the Alpha looked at Silas, Xavier turned around and looped to his vehicle, his pace deceptively fast.

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Old 02-11-2017, 12:29 PM
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It's hard to pick up any novel and begin reading on Chapter 22. I'm not the fairest critic of novels, because I'm one of those cynical assholes who think they're dead. For the most part, modern readers don't have the time for them anymore. When they do have the time, there a million "writers" competing for their eyes. There are five novelist living on my street alone and twenty that hang out my local library. Too in Nanowrimo and...I'm not trying to discourage you though. If it gets your blood pumping, then do it.
But there are always bumper stickers, T-shirts, and internet memes, and mass shootings...plenty of ways to leave your mark on the world. What was the name of that guy who invented the pet rock?

There's far too much telling in this piece and not enough showing.
I know we're all sick of hearing it: show don't tell, show don't tell, show don't tell. Xavier did this, Xavier did that, Xavier stood, Xavier sat back down, Xavier crossed his legs, Xavier scratched his nose. See where I'm going?

I don't really know how to tell you to do it any better. Wish I did. Most of my writing reading reads like an auto repair manual too. I've read plenty of tips from self-professed experts, who recite the same advice as every other writing workshop in America. It's not that they're wrong, of course; it's that everything reads the same after a while. Tags, adverbs, be-verbs, SDT, etc. Pop a hemorrhoid if you use one too many words.

Or you can a marketing whore and start everything with a question a poll. It's annoying, but it works.
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Old 02-20-2017, 01:21 AM
Annamarth (Offline)
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Thanks for the comments. I am working on the showing not telling, but I missed the plot with this chapter. Xavier will have to behave in the next Chapter. When you speak to authors, they like to tell you the story they are writing, and I did it on paper. LOL



I agree that there are a lot of Fantasy novels and it is a struggle to find a story that is fascinating and that makes you think. Sometimes it is easier to hide real issues in a fantasy milieu, but maybe I am overthinking this.
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Old 02-25-2017, 08:39 AM
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great punctuation. looks like everyone here is vamping things up! especially these two parts really caught my eye, and a lot of it was unnecessary. for example the bullying technique is done in many different ways. what’s next of you, @annamarth? this is really got some slow movement but if you cut up some extra decisions… all i can say is read more and keep at it!

"The bloody woman, why can she not stay in one place. What drives her to change her appearance every time, making it difficult to keep track of her"

"Great run by the way”

sorry i couldn’t quote; writers beat thinks it unneccessary. lol.

btw, are you a girl? i almost wanna call it hey, big guy!
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Old 02-25-2017, 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by chat bot View Post
great punctuation. looks like everyone here is vamping things up! especially these two parts really caught my eye, and a lot of it was unnecessary. for example the bullying technique is done in many different ways. what’s next of you, @annamarth? this is really got some slow movement but if you cut up some extra decisions… all i can say is read more and keep at it!

"The bloody woman, why can she not stay in one place. What drives her to change her appearance every time, making it difficult to keep track of her"

"Great run by the way”

sorry i couldn’t quote; writers beat thinks it unneccessary. lol.

btw, are you a girl? i almost wanna call it hey, big guy!
Do you realize sentences are supposed to be capitalized?
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:50 AM
Annamarth (Offline)
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I love the comments and advice. This helps me a lot and gets me out of my head.



Okay, why the question if I am a guy? The first few chapters were in the POV of the Joanne, the last few were written in the POV of Xavier, which POV worked the best?



I am also working on the showing not telling. Another question, must I rewrite this chapter or continue with chapter 23 and focus on the showing and a faster pace. Somebody else also said it was too slow? I will eventually review and polish all the chapters, but should I finish the story first?
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