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I Was Wrong (a very short story)

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  #1  
Old 03-24-2017, 10:54 AM
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Default I Was Wrong (a very short story)


I was wrong about the situation, as always. If only i had kept my mouth shut. I’ve ruined everything. My thoughts were suffocating me as i stepped onto the bus. The only thing i could focus my mind on was that one moment, when i said that i loved her.

I was standing outside the door to her apartment, i thought of the first time she invited me to her home. I remember the first time we saw a movie together, how we both cried at the end. I remember the first time we slept together, the first time we woke up next to each other.

Why was i suddenly remembering all of this? I'm not a particularly superstitious person, but i felt that something was wrong. I got my answer when she opened the door. A normal person would have thought of how beautiful she looked. A normal person would have complimented her. But i only saw her eyes, eyes that had been wiped of tears recently. Eyes i was more than familiar with.

We have a game together, one we made together. We both know the rules of the game, and whose turn it is right now.

“what's wrong darling, did you get raped or something?”. Dark humor, the best kind. I see a smile creeping onto her face, but she quickly forces it away. Something is wrong. “yes, but at least he was bigger than you”. She stares at me, expectantly, mockingly. I love her so much, but that's not the right thing to say right now. “you’re such a cheap whore”. We both know i don’t mean it, but the games rules have to be followed. Her eyes don't look so sad and empty anymore, a bit of banter always helps.

“well, enough of that, come in you cunt”. She always smiles when she says cunt. We once told the friendly old lady downstairs, about the game. She didn't understand why we called it a game. “ about time you bitch”. She giggles a little. The thing about a game, is that it's not always just about fun. Sometimes, it's just about winning.

As i step into the living room, i notice pieces of broken glass on the carpet. I ask her what happened, she dodges the question. There's a small bloodied knife on the table. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened here. “i thought you stopped” my voice is serious and hard. She stares at me, with tears in her eyes. She sits down on the couch, and tells me everything.

The same story, the true story, the sad story, her story.

I'm holding her as she cries, she knows that i don't judge her. More than an hour goes by like this. We both know it's not the first time, nor is it the last. Sometimes we laugh about, sometimes we ignore it. But this time, I try something new. Something we’ve both promised not to say.

I hold her hands, and speak softly “Emily, I love you”. She stares blankly at me “no”.
“what do you mean?”
“I mean i'm not ready”. She tries to say it in a nice way, she can't.
I thought we were both ready.
I can't take it.
I leave her there.
Without even looking at her.
She shouts something at me.
I just left, and took the next bus home.

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Old 03-24-2017, 03:04 PM
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It's pretty good. Better if you work on your punctuation and capitalization.
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  #3  
Old 03-24-2017, 07:20 PM
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Yeah, the grammar.

Otherwise, this too is an incomplete story, a vignette. Not a short story or flash or anything but a scene. Okay, nothing wrong with a scene. I like the moment we find ourselves in.

The bloody knife was vague. I thought: cutting? Self-harm? Something like that.

I think you could make this into something complete. The game is an enticing entertainment. I'd like to see it exploited and expanded.

The self-harm stuff (if that's what it is) needs a whole bunch more definition. It turns the game from fucked-up horse play into a symptom of something deeper and more wrong, as it is. It could be totally justified all around, but maybe in a way that preserves the salaciousness of the game they play. It's integrity.
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Old 03-25-2017, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Gtaall View Post
I was wrong about the situation, as always. If only I had kept my mouth shut. I’ve ruined everything. My thoughts were suffocating me as I stepped onto the bus. The only thing I could focus my mind on was that one moment, when I said that I loved her.

I was standing outside the door to her apartment, I thought of the first time she invited me to her home. I remember the first time we saw a movie together, how we both cried at the end. I remember the first time we slept together, the first time we woke up next to each other.

Why was I suddenly remembering all of this? I'm not a particularly superstitious person, but I felt that something was wrong. I got my answer when she opened the door. A normal person would have thought of how beautiful she looked. A normal person would have complimented her. But I only saw her eyes, eyes that had been wiped of tears recently. EyesIi was more than familiar with.

We have a game together, one we made together. We both know the rules of the game, and whose turn it is right now.

“What's wrong, darling, did you get raped or something?”. Dark humor, the best kind. I see a smile creeping onto her face, but she quickly forces it away. Something is wrong. “Yes, but at least he was bigger than you”. She stares at me, expectantly, mockingly. I love her so much, but that's not the right thing to say right now. “You’re such a cheap whore”. We both knowIi don’t mean it, but the games rules have to be followed. Her eyes don't look so sad and empty anymore, a bit of banter always helps.

“Well, enough of that, come in you cunt”. She always smiles when she says cunt. We once told the friendly old lady downstairs, about the game. She didn't understand why we called it a game. “ About time you bitch”. She giggles a little. The thing about a game, is that it's not always just about fun. Sometimes, it's just about winning.

As i step into the living room, i notice pieces of broken glass on the carpet. I ask her what happened, she dodges the question. There's a small bloodied knife on the table. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened here. “i thought you stopped” my voice is serious and hard. She stares at me, with tears in her eyes. She sits down on the couch, and tells me everything.

The same story, the true story, the sad story, her story.

I'm holding her as she cries, she knows that i don't judge her. More than an hour goes by like this. We both know it's not the first time, nor is it the last. Sometimes we laugh about, sometimes we ignore it. But this time, I try something new. Something we’ve both promised not to say.

I hold her hands, and speak softly “Emily, I love you”. She stares blankly at me “no”.
“what do you mean?”
“I mean i'm not ready”. She tries to say it in a nice way, she can't.
I thought we were both ready.
I can't take it.
I leave her there.
Without even looking at her.
She shouts something at me.
I just left, and took the next bus home.

I did some work on the text up to the living room scene.

When I first skimmed through this I had the impression it was girl/girl.

Is it?
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:05 AM
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Im a very bad writer i admit xD but i wrote it thinking that the main character is YOU. So thats kinda it.

Also thanks for helping me improve.
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Old 03-30-2017, 04:18 PM
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Nick is the main character?
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Old 03-30-2017, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Nick is the main character?

Ah, if only we could see the look on your face.
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Old 03-30-2017, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Ah, if only we could see the look on your face.


Now now, don't get excited.
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Old 03-31-2017, 04:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Gtaall View Post
Im a very bad writer i admit xD but i wrote it thinking that the main character is YOU. So thats kinda it.

Also thanks for helping me improve.

Why is I capitol at the start of a sentence but not capitol when it is used in a sentence?
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Old 03-31-2017, 05:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Why is I capitol at the start of a sentence but not capitol when it is used in a sentence?
You mean capital? Capitol is a building.
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Old 03-31-2017, 06:51 PM
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Originally Posted by moonpunter View Post
You mean capital? Capitol is a building.

"I Was Wrong"
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Old 03-31-2017, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
"I Was Wrong"


https://youtu.be/WkqgDoo_eZE
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  #13  
Old 04-01-2017, 04:03 AM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
They started him of on a Knucklehead and quickly busted him down to a Beezer.

Yeah, I know, who cares?
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Old 04-01-2017, 10:15 AM
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Fonzie couldn't handle all that American muscle?
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Old 04-01-2017, 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Fonzie couldn't handle all that American muscle?

I once rode one (seem to remember it was a '49) down a dark Long Beach alley.

Turning around ain't easy.

I figure the producers didn't want to risk him droppin' it on his leg.


The one he rides in the show has an excellent operating reputation even on the snow covered streets of the northeast.




Crap, I know waaaay too much about this kind of shit.
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Old 04-01-2017, 12:08 PM
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I heard he crashed several times because he really wasn't a bike guy.
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Old 04-02-2017, 04:15 AM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
I heard he crashed several times because he really wasn't a bike guy.

The statistic is all riders have an accident within their first year.

Then (I suppose) some quit, some get additional training (me) and continue their two wheel career and some (heeeey) just keep dumpin' their ride.


Incidentally James Dean was a rider before Hollywood. In Hollywood he got a bike like Brando's (the one he rode in that flick ... what was the title ?... something about Hollister) but his handlers made him give it up (couldn't have their moneymaker get hurt). So Jimmy bought hisself a little sports car.

Yeah, that was a good idea.


Now back to this piece:


Why is I written as i?
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Old 04-02-2017, 07:38 AM
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The only thing I could focus my mind on was that one moment, when I said that I loved her.
Hey, Gtall.

You kind of let all the air out of the balloon in the first paragraph with this. You could at least keep people guessing about what he said and why he regretted saying it. So you're not really building to anything. It's not much, but it's something.

Last edited by Myers; 04-02-2017 at 09:50 AM..
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Old 04-12-2017, 03:17 AM
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I always forget the I thing.

Also thanks for all the feedback
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Old 04-12-2017, 05:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Gtaall View Post
I always forget the I thing.

Also thanks for all the feedback
You forget one of the most basic rules of grammar? Yikes. At least use a word processor program that will correct that for you.
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Old 04-13-2017, 02:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Gtaall View Post
I always forget the I thing.

Also thanks for all the feedback


You're welcome.

Are you going any further with this piece?
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