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A High school Comedy novel

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Old 05-17-2011, 10:08 PM
elementswater (Offline)
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Default A High school Comedy novel

Hi, everyone. This is my first post. I am writing a new young adult comedy novel. It is about high school student Richard and Sasha Rei who move to a new school. There, they meet eccentric people which is the start of their comedic daily life. The book is episodic i.e. each chapter is like an episode of a television show and is complete on its own. Here is about the characters-

Sasha- a childish fifteen year old who has a flair for getting into trouble.

Richard- Sasha's sensible and realistic older brother who is invariably drawn into her schemes.

Scott- Richard's best friend.

Rika- A fifteen year money-minded psychic who is Richard and Sasha's classmate.

In this chapter, Sasha falls in love for the first time and crazy things start happening. Please tell me whether you find it really funny or not. Also, I wrote this when I was much younger, so the language might be very childish. Pleaee give me pointers on how to improve. It is a long story (10 pages) so thank you for taking time to read it. Please ignore the . I tried to do everything, but it still keeps showing up. Can someone please help me with this? I pasted this text from Word.


[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You were great” Sasha said. “As soon as you started playing, everyone knew that we were going to win.”

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Thank you.” Scott said. He opened a bottle and started drinking water. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You proved that you are the true captain of the basketball team.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Scott, Richard and Sasha were in the locker room.[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Scott!!!” A group of girls cheered outside. Scott was popular among girls for being sensitive, sporty and of course good looking. Some girls were really shallow when it came to love. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You were great captain…” a guy said, entering into the room. Sasha looked at him. He was wearing the basketball club uniform. She had seen him during the match. He had played well. [/font]
[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']She looked at him carefully. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“It due to your efforts that we won.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Don’t be humble, captain.” he said. His eyes were so blue……His hair was so curly……….and his voice was so sweet……was he real? Or maybe just a dream…..?[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Sasha!!” Richard’s discordant shout made her turn. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What?” she asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Stop staring at him like that. It looks strange.” he said. Sasha wasn’t listening to him. She was staring at that guy as if he wasn’t human. He was an angel who had stepped down from heaven. He was so perfect (good looking).[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“He’s so cute.” Sasha said to herself. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']‘She’s talking to herself.’ Richard thought. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“And stop calling me captain. Call me Scott. We are the same age.” Scott said to the guy disturbing Sasha’s thoughts. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But you are so humble and a great player. You deserve the respect, captain.” the guy said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Well, let’s celebrate the victory on Monday. We’ll have a party in the gym. Tell Gerry to arrange it. He’s always ready to arrange parties.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Sure, I’ll tell Ricky to make all the preparations. I can’t believe we won the zonal level championships. Now we get to go to the state level!” the guy said. “See you at practice tomorrow.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']He waved and then disappeared. As soon as he was gone, Sasha collapsed on the ground. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What happened?” Scott asked, alarmed. He lifted her up. “Are you okay?”[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Who was he…?” Sasha asked, in a dreamlike state. She was on cloud nine. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“That’s Dylan. He’s a great player.” Scott said. “But he’s a great person also.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Dylan.” Sasha was sighing. “Dylan…….Dylan……..Dylan……Dylan…….” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What happened to her?” Scott asked Richard. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“She’s love struck.” Richard said. “It is just like her to fall in love with any good-looking guy at first sight. She’s so fickle and shallow.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Shut up Richard.” Sasha fired back. She was not in a dream-state now. “I have to confess to him. But before that, I have to make him fall in love with me.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Tomorrow’s Valentine’s day.” Scott said. “Why don’t you confess to him tomorrow? And give him something sweet also.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“That’s a genius idea!” Sasha said. “He will surely love me then.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But lots of girls have a crush on him, too.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What? I have so much competition even before I started?” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But don’t worry. I don’t think he likes any of them.” Scott said reassuringly.[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“That’s good then. I have a hundred percent chance.” Sasha said. “What should I do first?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Well, Dylan likes cakes a lot, especially chocolate cakes. He’s so obsessed with cakes that he can tell the difference between home-made and store-bought just by looking at them.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“He’s so talented.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Even I can tell the difference between home-made and store bought cake.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Don’t try to compare yourself with Dylan.” Sasha said. “He’s soooo handsome and sooo unlike you. You’re so realistic and unromantic.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day. Why don’t you bake him a cake?” Scott suggested. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Don’t give her disastrous ideas.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“That a great idea! If it is homemade, I will get more points in his heart.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“This is not a game.” Richard said “And you don’t know how to bake a cake.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Why don’t you ask someone in class? I’m sure the other girls can help you out.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']During class-[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay, so you need flour and preferably super high grade flour, butter, chocolate bar, eggs, sugar…” Allison said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You have to just mix everything together and then put it in the oven Sasha.” Lisa said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Do you have an oven at home?” Allison asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I do.” Sasha replied. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What do you do with the oven?” Allison asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Richard bakes on weekends.” Sasha said. “Anyway, I might forget all this making-a-cake-thing by the time I go home.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Then I’ll write it down for you.” Lisa offered. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I hope the house doesn’t explode today. Sasha is an expert at cooking up disasters.” Richard said. “You shouldn’t have given her the idea, Scott.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But she loves him.” Scott said. “It’s her first love.”[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“That doesn’t matter. She will fall in love many more times, considering how shallow she is.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But my mother says that a girl’s first love is the most important thing to her which she remembers all her life.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Well, even though you are helping her out, I don’t have very high hopes for her. Dylan will definitely reject her.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I know that too. That’s another reason I am helping her out.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay, I’ve written down the recipe for you.” Lisa said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“And remember it is super high grade flour.” Allison said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But how will I differentiate between super high grade flour and regular flour?” Sasha asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Super high grade flour is grayish in color.” Allison said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Thank you for helping me out. I will bake a cake for both of you, too.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“NO!!” Allison and Lisa said together. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I mean you have to concentrate on baking for Dylan. There is no time to waste baking a cake for us.” Allison said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You are such good friends.” Sasha said, moved. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Even they are afraid of her experiments.” Richard said. “Pray for me Scott. I might not come back in one piece tomorrow.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']After school in the apartment-[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I can’t believe she called you over.” Richard said, after school. Scott was in his house. Sasha had phoned him up to call him to taste her disasters. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I couldn’t refuse her. She sounded so desperate.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Well, did you tell your mother that you won’t be coming back?” Richard said. “Sasha has a record for having no survivors who have tasted her cake.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Stop saying things like that Richard.” Sasha yelled from the kitchen. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“She’s already at work?” Scott asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“She’s very serious this time.” Richard said. “She bought two sacks of suspicious looking stuff. She said it was some high grade flour.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I didn’t know they sold super high grade flour in sacks. I have only seen packets in the supermarket.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Oh no! Let’s pray no one tricked her.” Richard said. “Those sacks were really suspicious. I wouldn’t be surprised if she managed to find a fraud supermarket.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Sit down, she will be alright.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Shouldn’t we go and check if that flour is real?” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“It’s okay. Even if it is not flour, it won’t explode.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! A deafening crash echoed through the house. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Oh no! Something exploded.” Richard said. Richard and Scott rushed to the kitchen. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']The whole kitchen was filled with smoke. Sasha was standing in the middle of the kitchen with those two suspicious-looking sacks beside her. The oven had shattered. Pieces were everywhere. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What did you do Sasha?” Richard asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I just baked the cake. I had no idea it would explode.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I knew something was wrong with these sacks.” Richard said. He tried to smell what was inside but the thing didn’t have a smell. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Who sold this to you? It’s definitely fraud.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I found a salesman on the streets. He told me this was ultra high grade flour. He charged hundred dollars for each sack.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Hundred dollars each!! And you didn’t get suspicious even when he charged so much?” Richard asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Well, I thought flour was expensive and this flour was grayish.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']‘Just her luck.’ Richard thought ‘She got cheated on the road.’ [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I’ll mix this with water and see what it is.” Scott said. He mixed the suspicious looking stuff with water and then smelt it. “It’s definitely cement.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What? A trickster sold you two sacks of cement for two hundred dollars?” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But even if it is cement, the cake shouldn’t have exploded.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What else did you buy from him?” Richard asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Just vanilla essence.” Sasha said. “At fifty dollars.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Fifty dollars?” Richard asked, surprised. Scott had already opened the bottle and was checking what it was. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“My goodness!!” Scott said. “It’s nitric acid.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Nitric acid?” Richard said. “He sold her nitric acid for fifty dollars? She could have stolen it from the chemistry lab for free.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Why are you such a miser?” Sasha asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“We have to return all this stuff and take the money back.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I’m not sure we will ever find him again. Meanwhile, Sasha has to finish baking her cake.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But the oven’s broken and I don’t have anything except cement and nitric acid.” Sasha said. “I really shouldn’t have wasted the chocolate bar on this.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I’ll buy all the ingredients from the supermarket. I’ll go now.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Thank you so much.” Sasha said. “But what about the oven?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“We’ll have to borrow an oven from someone.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Let’s borrow it from our neighbors.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What if that explodes too? What will we tell them?” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“It’s okay. I’ll call mom and ask her to help Sasha.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Is it okay to disturb your mother like this for useless things?” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“It’s okay. She loves to cook. She’ll be happy to help Sasha out.” Scott said. He went out. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Come on. Let’s start borrowing from our neighbors.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“It’s okay. It was bound to fail. I mean how can you bake a cake with cement?” Scott’s mother asked Sasha.[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Richard and Scott were at Scott’s house. They were going to use his mother’s oven. Mrs. Taylor was excited about teaching Sasha to bake. Cooking was her greatest love. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“It’s a pity none of our neighbors had an oven.” Sasha said. Richard looked at her. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']The neighbors had refused to give her an oven, scared that it might not come back again. Sasha was famous in the locality as the ‘Bottomless pit from which nothing ever came back’ Only Mrs. Taylor was willing to let her use her oven. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay, so let’s start by mixing everything together. Two cups flour.” Mrs. Taylor said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“All this is so difficult.” Sasha said. “I wish someone would bake it for me. I am so tired after the explosion. I grated that chocolate bar for two hours. My arms are going to fall off.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Oh poor little thing.” Mrs. Taylor said, unaware that Sasha was trying to escape work. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Don’t worry. I’ll bake the cake for you. Dylan will never know.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']The bell rang. Scott rushed to open it. Within a few minutes, Scott was back in the kitchen and Dylan was with him. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Dylan?” Richard asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Move, Mrs. Taylor, let me bake the cake.” Sasha said. “I really loooove making cakes and cooking. I am really domesticated, you know.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']‘What is she saying? She can’t even vacuum’ Richard thought. ‘I vacuum the house everyday.’[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What is happening?” Dylan asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Sasha is trying to bake a cake for her valentine.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Who is her valentine?” Dylan asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“We have no idea.” Richard said. He didn’t want to tell Dylan that Sasha was baking the cake for him. He might pass out. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“So, are you planning anything for tomorrow? Tomorrow is valentine’s day after all.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Well, everyone in the basketball club has a date except me.” Dylan said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I don’t have one either.” Scott said. “How about going to watch the basketball match in the stadium?”[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Well, you should have given me that idea before. I never really thought of such a great idea. But I have already paid for a blind date in Gi hotel.” Dylan said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Blind date?” Richard asked.[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Yes, it’s like a date where they pair you with some random girl and you are supposed to spend the evening together, talk and become friends.” Dylan informed. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Anyone can join?” Scott asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Yes, anyone fourteen and above.” Dylan said. “Are you thinking of coming with me?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Maybe we will.” Scott said. “We might also bring Sasha along.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Who is Sasha?” Dylan asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“My sister.” Richard said, dryly. It didn’t sound as if he was very happy about the fact. [/font]
[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You mean that Sasha who always flunks and has never ever come to school on time?” Dylan asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Yes, that Sasha.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You guys don’t even seem like siblings.” he said. His phone started ringing. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Hello, it is Dylan.” Dylan said. Someone said something quickly. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay, I’ll be there in five minutes.” Dylan said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Sorry, Scott, but there is an emergency at the restaurant where I work part-time. [/font]
[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']They need me.” Dylan said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Go ahead. That’s important.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Thank you. See you tomorrow at Gi hotel” Dylan said as he hurried to the restaurant. [/font]
[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What did he say about me?” Sasha asked, coming out of the kitchen. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“We don’t know. We didn’t ask.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Actually, he’s going on a blind date tomorrow.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Blind date?” Sasha asked. [/font]
[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I think we should go to Gi hotel too” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I have to look my best tomorrow, so that I have maximum chances.” Sasha said. “But I don’t have any good dresses. What will I wear?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You have enough dresses.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I’ll buy a new one. Just for my first date.” Sasha said. “But where can I get a good dress?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Don’t blow up money on new clothes now.” Richard advised. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Alright then! Let’s go to cheap street then. Everything is cheap there, right! So I cane buy clothes without spending a lot of money.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What? That place? Again? No way!” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But they sell fake designer clothes there. I will need something designer for tomorrow.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But it is already nine. They would have closed.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“We have to try. Besides, they just start at nine.” Sasha said. [/font]


[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Sasha was right. Cheap street was gleaming with lights and flooded with tricksters at night. Everyone came here at night because they were all criminals. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I don’t think it is such a good idea to shop here.” Richard said. “Let’s go. You can blow up money on a real designer dress.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“No way! I want to buy it here.” Sasha said. She started walking ahead. Scott and Richard had no choice but to follow her. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I hope she doesn’t get tricked again. She already lost two hundred and fifty dollars to a salesman.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“There it is!” Sasha exclaimed. “Lucian’s fake designer clothes.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']The banner was lighted up with colorful bulbs. The whole street was lighted up with bulbs at night. The place looked like a carnival. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Sasha, Richard and Scott went into Lucian’s shop. As soon as they were in, they heard trumpets. Flower petals fell on them from above. Sasha looked up. A girl was throwing them from upstairs. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Welcome to Lucian’s fake designer clothes shop.” a man sung. He was really thin and agile and was wearing an Armani suit- A fake. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Are you Lucian?” Scott asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Such knowledgeable children.” he said. He sounded like he was singing. But Richard didn’t miss the evil glint in his eyes which he had seen in every con artist’s eyes. [/font]
[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“So what would you like?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Well, tomorrow’s valentine’s day and I am going on my first date. I want a great dress by some really famous designer.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Ah…ah….first loves. Brings back such beautiful memories.” Lucian sung. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You had a first love too?” Sasha asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Everyone does.” Lucian said. “But mine was something special.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Really? What was it?” Sasha asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“My first love was……..a corpse wearing a designer dress. It was the corpse of a woman who had always dreamt of wearing designer dresses. But they were expensive. So she took a loan to buy a dress. And she could never pay back loan. She struggled but she could never find enough money to pay back the loan. So she committed suicide so that she could pay the loans with her life insurance. That day, I decided that I would become a cheap designer clothes seller so that no other woman would ever have to die that way again.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Mr……..Lucian….that so….touching.” Sasha was almost crying. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“It must have been painful to see your first love die like that.” Scott sympathized. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What? I didn’t even know the woman.” Lucian said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But didn’t you tell her that she was your first love?” Richard asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“The designer dress was my first love, not the woman” Lucian said. [/font]
[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']‘He’s no different from the others in cheap street’ Richard thought. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay so coming back to the present, I proudly present to you my first love collection-Fake clothes by famous designers like Armani, Versace, Galliano and many more.” Lucian said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']His minion appeared, carrying a key. He used the key and opened a closet full of clothes. As soon as the closet was opened the smell of designer perfume filled the air. It was Choco Chanel. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You make fake perfumes?” Richard asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“We fake everything except documents, driving license, birth certificates, currencies, legal and official documents, food and books and DVD’s. There are other shops to do that.” Lucian said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“How much does that fake perfume cost?” Sasha asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Two hundred and fifty dollars.” Lucian replied. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What! But the real Choco Chanel perfume costs less than that.” Sasha protested. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Actually our perfume costs twenty five dollars but the rest is tax.” Lucian said. “You know, import tax.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You are illegal. You don’t even pay tax.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“This is definitely going to be more expensive than real designer stuff. This man is a money-minded man.” Scott whispered to Richard. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']‘Would that be something new?’ Richard thought. Sasha wasn’t going to be tricked for the first time. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay so choose what you want ma’am. Our first love collection is in front of you. You can try it out in the trial room” Lucian said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Mmmm….which one should I try first?” Sasha said. “Yes this one” She pointed at a pink frock. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You can’t go out wearing that.” Richard said. “It looks like Little Bo Beep.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Yes, choose something more classic.” Lucian said. “May I recommend this new dress from the fall collection of Emporio Armani?” He showed her a black dress which looked better than the pink frock. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“That looks better.” Richard said. At least this man had taste. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Alright! I’ll go and try it.” Sasha said, going towards the trial room. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“And about the both of you. Would you like to see our first love collection for men?” Lucian asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“We don’t have a first love.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Don’t worry. Then what about are depressed collection?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You have a collection like that?” Scott asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Mr. Luciaaaaaaaannn” Sasha shouted from the trial room. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What is the matter?” Richard asked. The door opened and Sasha came out holding the dress. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I had only started putting it when it tore.” Sasha said. ‘Oh no’ Richard thought. ‘Why didn’t he think of this before?’[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Torn. Let me have a look.” Lucian said. He looked at it. There was a huge hold in the middle. How could it have torn from the middle? Even Sasha knew how to put on a dress. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Lost and damaged goods have to be paid for.” Lucian said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“How much does it cost?” Sasha asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Three thousand dollars.” Lucian said. “And I want the cash now.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But even real designer clothes don’t cost that much.” Sasha protested. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Tax.” Lucian said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“There is no tax on designer clothes.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“So you won’t pay the money?” Lucian asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“No. It wasn’t Sasha’s fault. She couldn’t have torn it from the middle. It was already torn.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Lucian whistled. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Why is he whistling?” Sasha asked. The door of the shop opened and a rugged looking hulk came in. He had a huge beard and looked like a pirate captain. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Who’s givin’ you trouble, Lucian?” he asked. [/font]
[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Lucian pointed at Richard and Sasha. The man leaned towards them and said in an ominous tone “Pay up kids.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“O…kay” Richard was trembling. This man looked like some mafia boss. It was no use arguing with him. Richard handed Lucian the money. His heart ached to part with so much money. The rugged man dropped them outside. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Visit again!” Lucian sung, as he bid goodbye. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“That man was such a fraud. Real designer clothes would have been much better.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']The next day at Gi hotel-[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Finally, we are here.” Sasha said looking at Gi hotel. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Last night after being cheated by Lucian, she had bought a real designer dress. The shop attendant there had been so polite and nice and the clothes hadn’t torn. She looked around. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Dylan was here. So was Rika. Rika? What was she doing here? Richard was looking around at all the others who had gathered. They all looked like Sasha’s long lost cousins. One guy looked like a vampire with the red hair, red eyes, and red cloak and bat wings. Wasn’t there anyone sensible here? [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Hey! Isn’t that Rika?” Scott said. “I wonder what she is doing here. I thought she was only interested in spirit summoning, not in dates.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“No idea. But she is definitely here for a reason.” Richard said. He looked at the entrance. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']A clownish announcer appeared. He was wearing a pink shiny suit and roses on his head. On his nose was a huge red spot. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay, everyone. Welcome to hotel Gi’s blind date program. We will now randomly choose a partner for every one. Then, you and your partner will go to the table assigned.” the announcer said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I hope I am with Dylan.” Sasha said. She held the cake box tightly. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What is in that box?” Rika asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Cake for my valentine Dylan.” Sasha said. “I baked it yesterday. Anyway, what are you doing here, Rika? I always thought that you were busy with spirit channeling.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I am here for that reason.” Rika said. “I heard that in this room, there are many unhappy spirits of women who lost their love. I want to talk to them. Then I will write a book called spirit women and love which will instantly become a bestseller.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay, so pair number one is…….” The announcer picked up a chit. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Scott Taylor and…….”he picked another chit. He unfolded and read out the name written on it. “Tragia……” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']A girl wearing a huge and frilly gown came up. She looked really cute. There was a handkerchief in her hand and she was wiping the tears which continuously rolled down her cheeks with the handkerchief. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Which…. table?” she asked sobbing. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Table number one.” the announcer said “All the best.”[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“All the best. I wonder why she is crying though.” Richard said to Scott who sat down on table number one with Tragia. The tables were all far away from each other for privacy. There were candlesticks and food on each table. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay, so pair number two is Richard Rei and ………Rika Cole. Table number two.” he announced. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What an unlikely pair.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What? You are with Richard!” Sasha said, looking at Rika. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Rika and Richard sat down on table number two. They looked mismatched. Rika had sharp, calculating eyes and a mysterious presence while Richard just looked like a poor, unfortunate guy who was likely to be cheated by Rika. Rika placed her crystal ball on the table. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Now, Dylan……and……” Sasha crossed her fingers while he picked up the chits. It had to be her. She should be the one. “…….Miriam Smith. Table three” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“And now the pair in table four. What is this?……Is this a name? Vampire dude and…………Sasha Rei.” he announced. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Vampire dude? Even that name sounds suspicious. I will have to watch over Sasha before he bites her or anything.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Spirits alive and spirits dead hear my call and wake up from bed. Rika summons you spirits thee, so that she can write a bestseller and make money…..” Rika chanted, while the crystal ball started glowing. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What are you doing?” Richard asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I am summoning the spirits of all the unfortunate women who lost their first love. Be careful because these spirits could be malevolent.” Rika said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Are they usually hungry?” Richard asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Why are you asking a question like that?” Rika asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Because I don’t want them to eat all this food that I have paid for.” Richard said. “It was hard earned money.”[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What a miser.” Rika said. “But don’t worry. Ghosts usually don’t eat anything. Even then, I can’t guarantee anything. But be sure to wear protective gear because they sometimes break plates on people’s head.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Why are you calling such dangerous spirits?” Richard asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“So that I can write my bestseller on spirit women and love and make money.” Rika said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You are so money minded.” Richard said. “Why can’t Sasha be more like you?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Rika continued her chanting while Richard looked around to see what Scott was up to. He saw that that girl…..what was her name?……Tragedy or something….. Continuously crying. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Hey, come on. Stop crying.” Scott said gently “Why are you suddenly crying without reason? If you don’t like me, we could talk to the announcer about changing your partner.” [/font]
[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']She suddenly stopped crying. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You are so considerate. Just like I imagined my dream prince to be. Finally, in my dark and rainy life, there is a ray of light.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Ray of light? Dark and rainy life?” Scott asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Yes, finally someone who cares for me. Finally, have found the person I have been looking for all these years.” she said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What?” Scott said. “Don’t get any wrong ideas.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You mean you don’t like me?” she said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“No, no. It’s not like that” Scott said. “But we don’t know anything about each other.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“It’s okay. I will tell you everything about me” Tragia said. “I was born on a stormy day in Tragedy village. My whole life was tragic. I was born on a stormy night. That day, my father went out to announce my birth but….he was struck by thunder and died. I was brought up by my mother in a life full of tragedies. My mother died when I was young. I went to live with my aunt who always treated me badly. She made me do work so much that I could not study and always flunked in class. I always wanted to become a doctor, but my dreams were shattered like fragments of broken glass. One day, my evil aunt died in a car accident. Then, I was sent to live with an uncle of mine who was kind, but very poor. He could not afford to send me to school. I worked in his fields day and night but even there, misfortune followed me. Our crops were destroyed by pests and soon, the land turned barren. My uncle died in debt. I was just ten then. At ten, I was all alone. I was taken in by his neighbor who was an old lady but she too died in a few years. After that, I spent my life working part-time and earning money. But even then, my misfortunes continued. I was fired from every part-time job for some reason or the other………and then……the biggest tragedy came….” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Your life is so tragic” Scott said, deeply into the story. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I know…..” Tragia said and started crying. Scott offered her his handkerchief. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Should I continue?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']”No. Let us eat first. It’s okay whatever past you had but you are so strong now. I think you are a very wonderful person who is still determined despite all these tragedies.” Scott said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I am so happy someone understands my misfortunes.” Tragia said. “I have always wanted someone I could tell everything to. I guess it was just fate that we met.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Maybe it is.” Scott said and they began eating. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']‘Wow! Such a tragic girl’ Richard thought. And Scott was so optimistic. They were really opposites. He had been hearing that entire story. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']He looked a Rika who was still busy exorcising ghosts. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Ghosts come, ghosts come, come here to me. So that, so that, I can, I can make money……” The more he looked at Rika, the more he wondered why Sasha wasn’t like Rika. Then suddenly remembering Sasha, he turned towards her. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']She was sitting with that ‘Vampire guy’. She looked bored. In all his life, he had never seen her bored. She was always excited and fired up. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Do you know why vampires drink blood?” the vampire guy asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Because they are vampires.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I can’t believe someone can be so foolish.” the vampire guy said. “It’s because they don’t have plasma in their body.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Even though you are so foolish, I am sure you definitely know why vampires don’t come out during the day.” vampire guy said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Because if they come out during the day, Rika will exorcise them.” Sasha said, here eyes half closed. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“They should preserve you in a museum as the most brainless person in the world.” vampire guy said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Hey! I am very smart” Sasha said. “Just ask me some math questions.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']‘Sasha has so much confidence in her terrible math skills.’ Richard thought. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay, then tell me what is one vampire added to two vampires.” vampire guy asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Three vampires.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']‘I can’t believe Sasha answered a math question correctly.’ Richard thought. This was the moment. He should have brought a camera with him. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Wrong. One vampire added to two vampires is a Dracula.” vampire guy said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']‘This guy has no right to call Sasha brainless.’ Richard said. ‘He’s even worse than Sasha at math.’ [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I can’t tolerate this anymore!” Sasha said. “I wanted to be Dylan’s partner, not some living, breathing vampire quizzer’s.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Hey, vampires are cool.” vampire dude said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But you are not cool because you are not a vampire.” Sasha said. “Now at least let me eat.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What is so interesting in mortal food? It’s not blood.” vampire guy said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You drink blood and let me eat.” Sasha said, irritated. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Mmmmmmmmmm………….rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…..sssssssssssss sssss……..” Rika started making funny sounds and vibrating crazily. Her hands were shaking violently, breaking dishes. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What is the matter?” Richard asked. “What happened?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Hey, what’s happening to Rika?” Sasha asked. Scott and Sasha got up from their tables and came towards Rika. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“That’s the result of summoning malevolent spirits.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“She’s possessed.” vampire guy said. “A spirit has possessed her.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Possessed? No way! Rika come back” Sasha said. Rika got up. Her hair was all loose and she looked like a ghost awakened from its sleep. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I am……………….Mary.” she said. “Ah! This terrible smell of leftovers served in fancy plates brings back memories.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I knew something was strange with this food. It tastes so old.” Dylan said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']Rika (Mary) picked up plates and started throwing it at Richard. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Careful. You will break my head.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I will erase this place. This leftover food, this smell of candles, these people…….I will erase everything.” Mary said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“She sounds like a villain from some horror film.” Dylan said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“That’s right. But poor Rika is possessed.” Sasha said, trying to get Dylan’s attention. She saw that Miriam was standing near Dylan. She also saw that that girl in the lacy gown was holding Scott’s hand. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“There is no such thing as a ghost. Rika’s acting.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But she can’t act so well. And why would she break dishes?” Sasha said. “She is really possessed by a malevolent spirit.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I will break the dishes!!!!!” Mary screamed and started throwing plates at everyone. One of the dishes flew straight towards Tragia but she pulled Scott in front of her and it hit him instead. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Help!!!!” Sasha screamed. “What should we do now, Richard?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I have no idea.” Richard said. “I never knew she’d get so violent. I hope she knows that she has to pay for all the broken stuff.” Suddenly, Rika stopped. Everyone looked at her for a minute. She started vibrating crazily again. Her hair became normal again and she calmed down. She collapsed on the ground. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“This is a disaster.” the announcer shouted. “I will go and call the hotel management.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Are you okay, Rika?” Sasha asked.[/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I guess I forgot to wear the protection amulet” Rika said. “But don’t worry about me. Dylan is standing there. Give him the cake.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“That’s right. Thanks Rika” Sasha got up and took the cake box towards Dylan. Miriam was standing near Dylan and they were talking. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“You are so wonderful Miriam. I think we should go out together again” Dylan said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I felt the same way. How about Saturday night at the movies?” she asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I was thinking of the same thing.” Dylan said. “We have so much in common. I am looking forward to our date.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I can’t believe he likes someone else……” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“It’s okay, life is full of tragedies.” Tragia said, consoling her and lending her handkerchief. “I understand how you feel.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But this is so unfair. My first love turned out like this……. Scott and Richard would be laughing at me.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“It’s okay Sasha, everything is not in our hands.” Scott said. “But you tried your best.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Tragedies follow everyone everywhere.” Tragia said. “You will also find someone like I found Scott.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But Richard is surely laughing.” Sasha said, looking at Richard, but he looked serious. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Say something Richard.” Scott prompted. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I won’t laugh.” Richard said. Sasha looked at him carefully. “Because he didn’t deserve you.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Wow! I can’t believe Richard is saying that.” Rika said. “I guess this is what they called sibling love.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But what should I do about the cake?” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“We will all eat it together, now that I have found my prince.” Tragia said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Hey Tragia, is that you?” Rika asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Rika, you know her?” Scott asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Of course I know her. She is a rich heiress who makes up a tragic background so that everyone pities her.” Rika said. “She’s told that stories to hundreds of guys.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“What? I can’t believe all that was a lie? Why did you lie?” Scott asked. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I didn’t want to……” Tragia said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I can’t believe you thought that story was real. Born in tragic village? There is no such place.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I guess you should stop being so tragic now.” Rika said. “Why don’t you go home and start over again?” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Okay, I guess I should start again as Happia……” Tragia said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Some people never learn.” Richard said, as Tragia went away. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Let’s go home and eat this cake together.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Not so soon.” a voice said. “At least not until you pay for the damages amounting to twenty seven thousand dollars.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“But it was Rika’s fault…….Where is Rika?” Richard asked, looking around. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“She sneaked out.” Sasha said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I can’t believe she is so ingenious. She can’t make us pay for all these.” Richard sad. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“Then you will have to work for us.” the manager said. “Since you were caught, you have to pay for the broken dishes.” [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I can’t believe I have to pay not only for Sasha’s foolish deeds but also for Rika’s now.” Richard said. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“I guess you should change your name to Trageda.” Scott suggested. [/font]

[FONT='Sylfaen','serif']“And try to date the daughter of some rich man.” Rika added, from behind, as she disappeared. [/font]

Last edited by elementswater; 05-17-2011 at 10:20 PM..
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Old 05-18-2011, 10:41 AM
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Hilee Coco (Offline)
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I'm going to be completely honest with you, I hope you don't mind. Also, I didn't read past the beginning, so I might not have a complete feel for the story.

It certainly reminds me of a tv show, some unobjectionable high school sitcom. The characters are bland and generic; the dialogue is stilted and slightly unrealistic; the situations are wacky but feel inconsequential. It's not terrible. It seems like something one would watch while sick and staying home from school. Tolerable but not memorable.
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Last edited by Hilee Coco; 05-18-2011 at 06:38 PM..
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Old 05-18-2011, 11:34 AM
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Looks to me like you have Editor mode on, it's the top right button big A, little A when you hit the edit button. Better yet just contact a mod to sort it for you. It's also recommended you don't post more than 3000 words at a time because of the strain of screen reading and people being put off by long posts.

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Last edited by Kas81; 05-18-2011 at 11:39 AM..
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:27 PM
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I have to agree Hilee the dialogue feels forced. I understand this is a YA comedy but you need to make the dialogue flow more naturally. No offense but these teenagers talk nothing like the teenagers I know.

I think there are some interesting ideas at work here, it just needs some polishing in parts.
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