WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


Litter Bugs

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 12-21-2012, 06:44 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,365
Thanks: 2,084
Thanks 1,356
Default Litter Bugs


It's my first run.
You come out of the shower and there it is, on your rack.

Plain brown box.
Like a cigar box, only wood.

You've heard the stories.
You know what's in it.

Yep. There it is.

Jet black neck ribbon.
And the two dog tags.
One in American Flag style.
The other is a peace sign.

You put the rig on (it's the rule).
Now nobody messes with ya.
Salutes from everyone. Even officers.
Head of the line at chow.
Only lasts a couple of days, though.

Then a four a.m. wake up, on with the O.D. flight suit and a jeep ride to the biggest helicopter I've ever seen. The jeep drives into it, I get out and stand by.

And I'm standing by It. I've never seen one before but I know what it is.
Containment Cube.

Hoses going into one side.
Tech guys monitoring the dials on the tanks the hoses come from.
I'm figurin' oxygen and a sleep gas (piped in music probably ain't on the menu).

A guy at a laptop wearin' ear buds. Wireless visual and audio from the box, I believe.

The Flight Chief looks at me, direct like. Then he looks at a fold down, strap in seat.
I get the message and buckle up.

The jeep has backed out.
Everyone else is secured in place.
The ramp comes up as the rotor cranks on.

The engine is the only sound in the cold dawn.
Everyone has a job. They done this before and are all turned to.

I decide to try for some sleep.
They will wake me when we are on station (more scuttlebutt).
Thing you never know is how long 'til the drop.

Orders only come through after wheels up.
If it's S.A., I'll be back in time for dinner. It's Fish Filet Friday. All you can eat.


Okay, been a day and a half now.
One in-flight refuel.
Three MRE banquets (mmm- tasty).
One crap.

Whazzat-?
All the red lights went off and yellow came on.
The rotor pitch has shifted from a dull drone to a louder, slower beating and we are dropping altitude.

Show Time.

The hose guys pull their gear clear of the box. The gantry cable is hooked to it's top pad eye.

Computer Man is shutting down.

The Chief gives me a flak vest and face shielded helmet.
I put them on and he hands me the clipboard then opens a view slot in the steel wall. I face the opening and start to read aloud in my best stentorian tone.

Prisoners of the American Justice System, you have proved yourselves intractable to reform. Society will no longer house, feed and clothe you (they're starting to yell now, guess they woke up).
In accordance with the National Spending Reduction Act of Twenty Twenty (hey, someone just spit on my faceshield) you are being relocated to an area of our selection. If you ever again stand on U.S. soil you will be terminated immediately (guess that bio-gps stuff has more than one use, eh?)

Well, they're sayin' rude things and bangin on the insides of their delivery vehicle.

The Chief slaps the slot shut.
The big ol' rectangle is hydraulically lifted up off the deck and slowly movin' out the aft port (the ramp flap lowerin' at a stately pace) on the telescoping I-Beam.

A chip of paint drops down in front of me.

Two more.

Something pushes like a pencil point on the front of my vest.

"A.K."
That's the Chief.
First words from the crew. Man-must be thirty six hours.

A drone zips past the doorway.
A flash from below.

No more interior decorating.

O.K.
I push the button and the cell bottoms out on the ground. Actually, it's a street. Well, a dirt road.

But I ain't here for that sort of sight seein'.
Push the middle button on the palm control- the wall to floor hooks unlock.
Now the third button and up comes the bottomless carton.

O.K. Important stuff now.
I visually verify the "tourists".

One. Two. Three.

Healthy lookin' group.
Tattoos.
Muscles (bet they never missed a session at the weight pile).

Bone Breakers and Head Takers.

Two of them take off down an alley together.

The third one stands there given' me the finger.

Salty fella.

Now I see the welcoming comittee.
A group of locals are fast advancing on the naked white man.
I presume they are going to inquire about his imminent future.

I turn to the Chief and salute.
This signifies I have done my duty and now know I am back in my pecking order place. The duty ribbon will be collected at disembark.

Things are quiet and relaxed on the way back to base.
Everyone got a can of (warm) beer.
I happened to overhear the techs talkin' low to each other.
"Mogadishu. Third time this month. What a shithole."

"You said it, Bruddha, you said it."


Man- I love life in the service.










Dude- you missed the third t in tattoo

No sweat pal. I caught it and fixed it before anyone called me on it.
Lemme know if you see anything else.

Let you kn...!?
What the hell are you gonna be doing?!

I gotta be at the range today. Gonna work on a National School Shield training program idea that me and my partner have been developing over the last three months. Also, since the usual instructor went on vacation, I'm the guy givin' the CCW class.

How you been workin' on a training program for months for a proposal that was only announced yesterday, man?

Well, pal- I gotta tell ya- sometimes, when you make the choice between Villian, Victim, Victor, and you choose the third V, you start to get ahead of the 3D events.

Wha?

Okay- here's how one guy put it; The aggressor thinks to hit you with a chair and as he reaches for it he sees your foot on a rung .

Huh?

Another one is; You come out of a movie theatre, the parking lot robbers are set up in their ambush positions (a quick crew can usually make three hits and get clear of the scene before local response arrives) and you decide to take a half hour walk around the area (to digest the popcorn and stretch the legs, of course).

Man- what are you going on about?

It's alright, pal. You are simply thinking in normal, standard, predictable patterns. That's what bad guys count on. Their bad actions are built on your routine.

Yeah.?! So? So what can be done about it?

Relax, pal. It's being done. Think of it as a mailed hand in a brown cotton glove. Unobtrusive. Unexpected. Unbeatable.



Oh, I remembered a couple more;
"Fortune favors the prepared"
and
The Five P's.


Five P's.?


Yeah; Perfect Preparation Precedes Perfect Performance.


Dude- where do you get this stuff from?


Pal- this kinda thinkin' started the day peaceful fellas got tired of watchin' unpeaceful people disturb the peace.
I'm just another finger stuck in the dike. I am quite happy to await a competant plasterer. I am simply unwilling to watch the water flow out wastefully until the repairman arrives. Thus, rather than debate divisive, I act, decisive


Hey, man, that last line is pretty good. You should write.


Ehh, every once in a while I get lucky and wing one off.


Last edited by Nick Pierce; 04-11-2015 at 06:22 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Nick Pierce For This Useful Post:
Loz (12-22-2012)
  #2  
Old 04-27-2013, 11:58 AM
RabbitInTheSuit (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: A Rock and a Pillow
Posts: 672
Thanks: 186
Thanks 120
Default

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
I almost feel like I hear someone in the background starting with...Space...the final frontier.It's my first run.
You come out of the shower and there it is, on your rack.

Plain brown box.
Like a cigar box, only wood. Hey, four minutes from now Rabbit, here's the line you were looking for. -four minutes ago rabbit.

You've heard the stories.
You know what's in it.

Yep. There it is.

Jet black neck ribbon.
And the two dog tags.
One in American Flag style.
The other is a peace sign.Symbolic duality. I don't think the American flag has represented peace since 'nam.

You put the rig on (it's the rule).
Now nobody messes with ya.
Salutes from everyone. Even officers.
Head of the line at chow.
Only lasts a couple of days, though.

Then a four a.m. wake up, on with the O.D. flight suit and a jeep ride to the biggest helicopter Based on reading, I don't know if basing your flight vehicle as a helicopter is a good concept scientifically speaking. Having something more airplane-ish might help. I've ever seen. The jeep drives into it, I get out and stand by.

And I'm standing by It. I've never seen one before but I know what it is.
Containment Cube. Oh, Sci-fi-ish sounding. Dangerous though, because of a little movie that came out about six superheroes fighting one fallen god over a cube. just saying.

Hoses going into one side. good imagery.
Tech guys monitoring the dials on the tanks the hoses come from.
I'm figurin' oxygen and a sleep gas (piped in music probably ain't on the menu). Piped in music. Nice. Never thought of that.

A guy at a laptop wearin' ear buds. Wireless visual and audio from the box, I believe.

The Flight Chief looks at me, direct like. Then he looks at a fold down, strap in seat.
I get the message and buckle up.

The jeep has backed out.
Everyone else is secured in place.
The ramp comes up as the rotor cranks on.

The engine is the only sound in the cold dawn.
Everyone has a job. They done this before and are all turned to.

I decide to try for some sleep.
They will wake me when we are on station (more scuttlebutt). scuttlebutt? random and i don't know what it means.
Thing you never know is how long 'til the drop.

Orders only come through after wheels up.
If it's S.A., I'll be back in time for dinner. It's Fish Filet Friday. All you can eat.


Okay, been a day and a half now.
One in-flight refuel.
Three MRE banquets (mmm- tasty).
One crap. breakdown. good and solid.

Whazzat-?
All the red lights went off and yellow came on.
The rotor pitch has shifted from a dull drone to a louder, slower beating and we are dropping altitude.

Show Time.

The hose guys pull their gear clear of the box. The gantry cable is hooked to it's top pad eye.

Computer Man is shutting down.

The Chief gives me a flak vest and face shielded helmet.
I put them on and he hands me the clipboard then opens a cigar size Hey, four minutes ago Rabbit, find this line. four minutes later rabbit. I'd change this line or the other line. Bringing up cigars twice as a size adjective makes the reader think you're talking about the same object. slot in the steel wall. I face the opening and start to read aloud in my best stentorian tone.

Prisoners of the American Justice System, you have proved yourselves intractable to reform. Society will no longer house, feed and clothe you (they're starting to yell now, guess they woke up).
In accordance with the National Spending Reduction Act of Twenty Twenty (hey, someone just spit on my faceshield) you are being relocated to an area of our selection. If you ever again stand on U.S. soil you will be terminated immediately (guess that bio-gps stuff has more than one use, eh?) Put the inner monologue thoughts throughout the story in italics. And do you have some kind of ban against quotation marks? lol. That being said, HOLY CRAP! Terrifyingly realistic plot idea! We ran out room in the country so lets dump the fuckers in savage territory. Love it. Or did I miss it?

Well, they're sayin' rude things and bangin on the insides of their delivery vehicle.

The Chief slaps the slot shut.
The big ol' rectangle is hydraulically lifted up off the deck and slowly movin' out the aft port (the ramp flap lowerin' at a stately pace) on the telescoping I-Beam.

A chip of paint drops down in front of me.

Two more.

Something pushes like a pencil point on the front of my vest. He got shot?

"A.K."
That's the Chief.
First words from the crew. Man-must be thirty six hours.

A drone zips past the doorway.
A flash from below.

No more interior decorating.

O.K.
I push the button and the cell bottoms out on the ground. Actually, it's a street. Well, a dirt road.

But I ain't here for that sort of sight seein'.
Push the middle button on the palm control- the wall to floor hooks unlock.
Now the third button and up comes the bottomless carton.

O.K. Important stuff now.
I visually verify the "tourists".

One. Two. Three.

Healthy lookin' group.
Tattoos.
Muscles (bet they never missed a session at the weight pile).

Bone Breakers and Head Takers. Nice. Name the story this.

Two of them take off down an alley together.

The third one stands there given' me the finger.

Salty fella.

Now I see the welcoming comittee.
A group of locals are fast advancing on the naked white man.
I presume they are going to inquire about his imminent future.

I turn to the Chief and salute.
This signifies I have done my duty and now know I am back in my pecking order place. The duty ribbon will be collected at disembark.

Things are quiet and relaxed on the way back to base.
Everyone got a can of (warm) beer.
I happened to overhear the techs talkin' low to each other.
"Mogadishu. Third time this month. What a shithole."

"You said it, Bruddha, you said it."


Man- I love life in the service.





Cut all of this. I don't know what it is and I don't know why you added it. Maybe you can reply and let me know.

Dude- you missed the third t in tattoo

No sweat pal. I caught it and fixed it before anyone called me on it.
Lemme know if you see anything else.

Let you kn...!?
What the hell are you gonna be doing?!

I gotta be at the range today. Gonna work on a National School Shield training program idea that me and my partner have been developing over the last three months. Also, since the usual instructor went on vacation, I'm the guy givin' the CCW class.

How you been workin' on a training program for months for a proposal that was only announced yesterday, man?

Well, pal- I gotta tell ya- sometimes, when you make the choice between Villian, Victim, Victor, and you choose the third V, you start to get ahead of the 3D events.

Wha?

Okay- here's how one guy put it; The aggressor thinks to hit you with a chair and as he reaches for it he sees your foot on a rung .

Huh?

Another one is; You come out of a movie theatre, the parking lot robbers are set up in their ambush positions (a quick crew can usually make three hits and get clear of the scene before local response arrives) and you decide to take a half hour walk around the area (to digest the popcorn and stretch the legs, of course).

Man- what are you going on about?

It's alright, pal. You are simply thinking in normal, standard, predictable patterns. That's what bad guys count on. Their bad actions are built on your routine.

Yeah.?! So? So what can be done about it?

Relax, pal. It's being done. Think of it as a mailed hand in a brown cotton glove. Unobtrusive. Unexpected. Unbeatable.



Oh, I remembered a couple more;
"Fortune favors the prepared"
and
The Five P's.


Five P's.?


Yeah; Perfect Preparation Precedes Perfect Performance.


Dude- where do you get this stuff from?


Pal- this kinda thinkin' started the day peaceful fellas got tired of watchin' unpeaceful people disturb the peace.
I'm just another finger stuck in the dike. I am quite happy to await a competant plasterer. I am simply unwilling to watch the water flow out wastefully until the repairman arrives. Thus, rather than debate divisive, I act, decisive


Hey, man, that last line is pretty good. You should write.


Ehh, every once in a while I get lucky and wing one off.
I like it. I mean, vague, but I like it. It kinda reads like a good montage opening to a French triste avenir film that were immensely popular in that country in the 60s and 70s. Kind of like our modern day dystopian movies but with smaller budgets.

I think you can sacrifice your artistic integrity and put your paragraphs/sentences together a little bit. I mean, still keep it choppy- that's your identifying style (disregard Hitchcock's comments on style)- but having one sentence paragraphs has a word - poetry- and this is not poetry. It's prose. So do that.

I don't know what that last part meant, but I don't understand it. If you need it, add something of an explanation there.

Speaking of adding things, I'd add a little setting snippet at the beginning. Just to set the mood just a little like [LOCATION- 2020] or something.

Good work. Thanks for the heads up. PM with any questions or reply on here.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to RabbitInTheSuit For This Useful Post:
Nick Pierce (04-27-2013)
  #3  
Old 04-30-2013, 01:05 PM
Toffees's Avatar
Toffees (Offline)
Let me introduce myself
New Author
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 9
Thanks: 1
Thanks 3
Default

I like the symbolism, I don't like the format. I am all for spaces and paragraph breaks but I felt that there was a lot of negative space so much so that it became more distracting then helpful.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Toffees For This Useful Post:
Nick Pierce (04-30-2013)
  #4  
Old 07-08-2017, 03:37 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,365
Thanks: 2,084
Thanks 1,356
Default

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
It's my first run.
You come out of the shower and there it is, on your rack.

Plain brown box.
Like a cigar box, only wood.

You've heard the stories.
You know what's in it.

Yep. There it is.

Jet black neck ribbon.
And the two dog tags.
One in American Flag style.
The other is a peace sign.

You put the rig on (it's the rule).
Now nobody messes with ya.
Salutes from everyone. Even officers.
Head of the line at chow.
Only lasts a couple of days, though.

Then a four a.m. wake up, on with the O.D. flight suit and a jeep ride to the biggest helicopter I've ever seen. The jeep drives into it, I get out and stand by.

And I'm standing by It. I've never seen one before but I know what it is.
Containment Cube.

Hoses going into one side.
Tech guys monitoring the dials on the tanks the hoses come from.
I'm figurin' oxygen and a sleep gas (piped in music probably ain't on the menu).

A guy at a laptop wearin' ear buds. Wireless visual and audio from the box, I believe.

The Flight Chief looks at me, direct like. Then he looks at a fold down, strap in seat.
I get the message and buckle up.

The jeep has backed out.
Everyone else is secured in place.
The ramp comes up as the rotor cranks on.

The engine is the only sound in the cold dawn.
Everyone has a job. They done this before and are all turned to.

I decide to try for some sleep.
They will wake me when we are on station (more scuttlebutt).
Thing you never know is how long 'til the drop.

Orders only come through after wheels up.
If it's S.A., I'll be back in time for dinner. It's Fish Filet Friday. All you can eat.


Okay, been a day and a half now.
One in-flight refuel.
Three MRE banquets (mmm- tasty).
One crap.

Whazzat-?
All the red lights went off and yellow came on.
The rotor pitch has shifted from a dull drone to a louder, slower beating and we are dropping altitude.

Show Time.

The hose guys pull their gear clear of the box. The gantry cable is hooked to it's top pad eye.

Computer Man is shutting down.

The Chief gives me a flak vest and face shielded helmet.
I put them on and he hands me the clipboard then opens a view slot in the steel wall. I face the opening and start to read aloud in my best stentorian tone.

Prisoners of the American Justice System, you have proved yourselves intractable to reform. Society will no longer house, feed and clothe you (they're starting to yell now, guess they woke up).
In accordance with the National Spending Reduction Act of Twenty Twenty (hey, someone just spit on my faceshield) you are being relocated to an area of our selection. If you ever again stand on U.S. soil you will be terminated immediately (guess that bio-gps stuff has more than one use, eh?)

Well, they're sayin' rude things and bangin on the insides of their delivery vehicle.

The Chief slaps the slot shut.
The big ol' rectangle is hydraulically lifted up off the deck and slowly movin' out the aft port (the ramp flap lowerin' at a stately pace) on the telescoping I-Beam.

A chip of paint drops down in front of me.

Two more.

Something pushes like a pencil point on the front of my vest.

"A.K."
That's the Chief.
First words from the crew. Man-must be thirty six hours.

A drone zips past the doorway.
A flash from below.

No more interior decorating.

O.K.
I push the button and the cell bottoms out on the ground. Actually, it's a street. Well, a dirt road.

But I ain't here for that sort of sight seein'.
Push the middle button on the palm control- the wall to floor hooks unlock.
Now the third button and up comes the bottomless carton.

O.K. Important stuff now.
I visually verify the "tourists".

One. Two. Three.

Healthy lookin' group.
Tattoos.
Muscles (bet they never missed a session at the weight pile).

Bone Breakers and Head Takers.

Two of them take off down an alley together.

The third one stands there given' me the finger.

Salty fella.

Now I see the welcoming comittee.
A group of locals are fast advancing on the naked white man.
I presume they are going to inquire about his imminent future.

I turn to the Chief and salute.
This signifies I have done my duty and now know I am back in my pecking order place. The duty ribbon will be collected at disembark.

Things are quiet and relaxed on the way back to base.
Everyone got a can of (warm) beer.
I happened to overhear the techs talkin' low to each other.
"Mogadishu. Third time this month. What a shithole."

"You said it, Bruddha, you said it."


Man- I love life in the service.










Dude- you missed the third t in tattoo

No sweat pal. I caught it and fixed it before anyone called me on it.
Lemme know if you see anything else.

Let you kn...!?
What the hell are you gonna be doing?!

I gotta be at the range today. Gonna work on a National School Shield training program idea that me and my partner have been developing over the last three months. Also, since the usual instructor went on vacation, I'm the guy givin' the CCW class.

How you been workin' on a training program for months for a proposal that was only announced yesterday, man?

Well, pal- I gotta tell ya- sometimes, when you make the choice between Villian, Victim, Victor, and you choose the third V, you start to get ahead of the 3D events.

Wha?

Okay- here's how one guy put it; The aggressor thinks to hit you with a chair and as he reaches for it he sees your foot on a rung .

Huh?

Another one is; You come out of a movie theatre, the parking lot robbers are set up in their ambush positions (a quick crew can usually make three hits and get clear of the scene before local response arrives) and you decide to take a half hour walk around the area (to digest the popcorn and stretch the legs, of course).

Man- what are you going on about?

It's alright, pal. You are simply thinking in normal, standard, predictable patterns. That's what bad guys count on. Their bad actions are built on your routine.

Yeah.?! So? So what can be done about it?

Relax, pal. It's being done. Think of it as a mailed hand in a brown cotton glove. Unobtrusive. Unexpected. Unbeatable.



Oh, I remembered a couple more;
"Fortune favors the prepared"
and
The Five P's.


Five P's.?


Yeah; Perfect Preparation Precedes Perfect Performance.


Dude- where do you get this stuff from?


Pal- this kinda thinkin' started the day peaceful fellas got tired of watchin' unpeaceful people disturb the peace.
I'm just another finger stuck in the dike. I am quite happy to await a competant plasterer. I am simply unwilling to watch the water flow out wastefully until the repairman arrives. Thus, rather than debate divisive, I act, decisive


Hey, man, that last line is pretty good. You should write.


Ehh, every once in a while I get lucky and wing one off.



I am still rather happy with this construction, Mr. Pierce.


Nick, in the world of today any contentment that one enjoys, not at the expense of others of course, is precious.


Yeah, bruddah, what you said.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?

Last edited by Nick Pierce; 07-08-2017 at 03:44 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-08-2017, 04:13 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,456
Thanks: 2,030
Thanks 1,085
Default

O.K.
I push the button and the cell bottoms out on the ground. Actually, it's a street. Well, a dirt road.

But I ain't here for that sort of sight seein'.
Push the middle button on the palm control- the wall to floor hooks unlock.
Now the third button and up comes the bottomless carton.

(I don't understand what's going on here?)
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-08-2017, 04:38 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,365
Thanks: 2,084
Thanks 1,356
Default

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
O.K.
I push the button and the cell bottoms out on the ground. Actually, it's a street. Well, a dirt road.

But I ain't here for that sort of sight seein'.
Push the middle button on the palm control- the wall to floor hooks unlock.
Now the third button and up comes the bottomless carton.

(I don't understand what's going on here?)

The crims are transported in a cube cell that is on a helicopter.
The cube is shifted out of copter into airspace on I beam then lowered to ground using a hand held button style control.

The hooks that hold sides of cube to bottom are then disengaged via handheld control so cube can be recovered and reused (with a new bottom).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhPINXDxCDQ
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?

Last edited by Nick Pierce; 07-08-2017 at 04:44 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Nick Pierce For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (07-09-2017)
  #7  
Old 07-09-2017, 09:52 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,456
Thanks: 2,030
Thanks 1,085
Default

The link was really helpful - now got a visual.

Still struggling with bits of this sensei. Google didn't help none (although I spent an hour absorbed in Vietnam Reeducation Camps).

I can't figure out why the prisoners are being dropped on a road - are they being released?

The naked white man?
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-09-2017, 10:44 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,365
Thanks: 2,084
Thanks 1,356
Default

quote

Prisoners of the American Justice System, you have proved yourselves intractable to reform. Society will no longer house, feed and clothe you (they're starting to yell now, guess they woke up).
In accordance with the National Spending Reduction Act of Twenty Twenty (hey, someone just spit on my faceshield) you are being relocated to an area of our selection. If you ever again stand on U.S. soil you will be terminated immediately (guess that bio-gps stuff has more than one use, eh?)

quote





Oh yes, they are being "released".

"intractable to reform"

"National Spending Reduction Act of Twenty Twenty"
(You can thank Pres. Trump for this in a couple of years)

"naked white man"

No reason to waste perfectly good orange overalls on guys that ain't gonna be in population.

This is about savin' the American taxpayer money.
Yeah, the flight seems expensive until you realize that data is being collected along with takin' out the trash.

Google
mogadishu pics.

Festive lookin' place, huh?


Ask whatever you want to get clarity.

Oh, and google
hardcore american convict pics
to get a visual of the types the story is referring to.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Nick Pierce For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (07-10-2017)
  #9  
Old 07-10-2017, 04:45 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,456
Thanks: 2,030
Thanks 1,085
Default

Nick, sorry. I've got strong associations with you and Vietnam - so I was trying to understand this piece from the perspective of a 'nam American soldier.
Sorry.

Thanks for the links - all helpful and interesting.

I like the way you've set this out - but I don't like the end part.

I go through this, feeling privileged that you're sharing a story with me. When you start musin' to yourself, there's an instant disconnection with your reader - you're not talking to me anymore, you're just talking to yourself. It's like you've 'walked away' on paper.

Honestly? I'm not sure if I like it or not. Leave it to settle for a few days and have another read. x
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-10-2017, 12:55 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,365
Thanks: 2,084
Thanks 1,356
Default

[QUOTE=Grace Gabriel

I'm not sure if I like it or not.

[/QUOTE]


One such as I seeks no greater response to his efforts.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 04-10-2018, 04:30 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,365
Thanks: 2,084
Thanks 1,356
Default

Originally Posted by RabbitInTheSuit View Post
I like it. I mean, vague, but I like it. It kinda reads like a good montage opening to a French triste avenir film that were immensely popular in that country in the 60s and 70s. Kind of like our modern day dystopian movies but with smaller budgets.

I think you can sacrifice your artistic integrity and put your paragraphs/sentences together a little bit. I mean, still keep it choppy- that's your identifying style (disregard Hitchcock's comments on style)- but having one sentence paragraphs has a word - poetry- and this is not poetry. It's prose. So do that.

I don't know what that last part meant, but I don't understand it. If you need it, add something of an explanation there.

Speaking of adding things, I'd add a little setting snippet at the beginning. Just to set the mood just a little like [LOCATION- 2020] or something.

Good work. Thanks for the heads up. PM with any questions or reply on here.

I miss this guy.

He did not always get my sense of irony (like havin' a peace symbol on a dog tag) but he always came strong with his commenting.

I find it easy to respect and admire a man/woman/person- okay, okay - you too, Alexa (sheesh - freakin' touchy AI) that clearly lets me know their viewpoints.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-10-2018, 08:43 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Offline)
Still Clicking!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,732
Thanks: 393
Thanks 1,013
Default

He was probably a homo who spent a lot of time tryiní to stick his long sausage up his own bang-hole. Nuthiní wrong with that, if you like that sort of thing. Donít hafta sell him a cake, though. Thatís where we draw the line. No cake for you!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-11-2018, 02:23 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,365
Thanks: 2,084
Thanks 1,356
Default

[QUOTE=brianpatrick

Thatís where we draw the line.

[/QUOTE]

A plumb line, I presume.


Ha.
I got a million of them on tap.



There was another guy, IceCreamSoda I think, that was also fulla fire.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:25 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.