WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


Need help writing a prophecy

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 07-20-2017, 02:11 PM
dtp81390 (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 24
Thanks: 0
Thanks 3
Default Need help writing a prophecy


My story involves a prophecy.

When Darkness fall across the land
Good versus evil one last stand

A child born from fire and water
Power far beyond all other

A child born from Earth and air
...

Master of one, master of all
Master of elements, evil will fall

When forces combine to win the fight
Darkness will be turned to light.


The premise of the story is that only those born from 2 elements can master all of them. Essentially both of them need to work together to defeat the darkness. I want it to read that either could fulfill the prophecy.

It is similar to Harry potter in the sense that the prophecy could be about either. Also the section about combining forces could be about combining the elements or about both of them working together. I want this double meaning.

It bothers me that it rhymes. It just doesn't feel like the right wording. I can't figure out what to say for the child of earth and air.

Any input is appreciated. Let me know if you need more info

Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to dtp81390 For This Useful Post:
PickleBottom (07-27-2017)
  #2  
Old 07-25-2017, 02:27 PM
Ink's Avatar
Ink (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Under lock and key.
Posts: 686
Thanks: 213
Thanks 154
Default

I have a suggestion...

Originally Posted by dtp81390 View Post

When Darkness fall across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize your neighborhood
'cause this is THRILLERRRR.

Sorry to be sarcastic, it's in my DNA. The point I'm making with this is that I think the opening line is a bit... cheesey. You use an image of darkness falling across the land, of a fight between good and evil, dark vs light, mastery of the elements and a child born in prophecy. All of those individually could be considered "tropes", but putting every one together in a single prophecy is a bit much for me.

Time for the analysis. Let's look to Robert Jordan for a comparitive reference. In his Wheel Of Time series there is a continuous reference to the Karaethon Cycle - a prophecy which depicts the coming of the Dragon Reborn - which is revealed to us in parts throughout the book. I'm not a huge fan of the entire thing as I still think it gives away too much, but let's look at some of the better stuff.

I mean, he was pretty successful, so he must've done something right...


Power of the Shadow made human flesh
wakened to turmoil, strife and ruin.
The Reborn One, marked and bleeding,
dances the sword in dreams and mist,
chains the Shadowsworn to his will,
from the city, lost and forsaken,
leads the spears to war once more,
breaks the spears and makes them see,
truth long hidden in the ancient dream.

He shall slay his people with the sword of peace, and destroy them with the leaf
Now if you haven't read the books and could explain to me what the F*** that means I would be very impressed.

That's by no means the entire thing, but I think we can work with what's above by comparing to yours.

In both cases we have mention of someone born with destiny. A fate it seems they cannot escape. Fine. That tends to be the way of prophecies. Born of fire and water I can live with, since it's vague enough and you seem to have reasoning behind it.

I'd try and make it more vague and abstract. The more difficult it is for us, as the reader, to determine the prophecy until it is revealed to us in the book - the better. The weather forecast is technically a prophecy but it would make a damn boring plot.

I mean, for one thing, you've already spoiled the end of your story by telling us
SPOILER
. Finding this out is boring. I don't want to know this, it removes all of the beautiful suspense you can build which keeps people turning pages.

I'd apply the same logic to "darkness will be turned to light". In Jordan's novel, like most fantasy, it is a dark vs light story. However, from that prophecy you can't tell what's going to happen. We're only given a snippet of the journey.

If somebody read me a prophecy that said "a child will be born and he will turn darkness into light", I'd be feeling pretty relaxed knowing that destiny is gonna sort out the world just fine. You need that element of uncertainty in there. Create danger. Create risk. Jordan talks about the Dragon Reborn "slaying his people", "destroying them" and "breaking their spears". Those don't all sound like good things. That's a terrifying prophecy. Build that tension for me.

Content aside, there's a couple of grammar things I would fix in the first stanza:


When darkness falls across the land
Good versus evil, one last stand

A child born from fire and water
Power far beyond all other

A child born from Earth and air
...

Master of one, master of all
Master of elements, evil will fall

When forces combine to win the fight
Darkness will be turned to light.
__________________
‘Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia’ – E. L. Doctorow


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
- Check out my blog on the (very slow) progress of my novel.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-26-2017, 11:11 AM
dtp81390 (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 24
Thanks: 0
Thanks 3
Default

Thank you so much for your input. It has been incredibly helpful. I will need to rethink things a bit.

My intent is that the entire prophecy is known in pieces, and the MC does not get some of the stanzas until the end of the story which is how he discovers how to win.

I will take a thorough look at this and see if I can rework things.

No wonder "When darkness across the land" sounded so good
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:11 PM
masontrc (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 94
Thanks: 13
Thanks 16
Default

Originally Posted by dtp81390 View Post
My story involves a prophecy.

When Darkness fall across the land
Good versus evil one last stand

A child born from fire and water
Power far beyond all other

A child born from Earth and air
...

Master of one, master of all
Master of elements, evil will fall

When forces combine to win the fight
Darkness will be turned to light (1).

1. What role will this poem have in your story? Will it serve as a prelude. Consider its use and purpose. It's definitely an intriguing premise.

The premise of the story is that only those born from 2 elements can master all of them. Essentially both of them need to work together to defeat the darkness. I want it to read that either could fulfill the prophecy.

It is similar to Harry potter in the sense that the prophecy could be about either. Also the section about combining forces could be about combining the elements or about both of them working together. I want this double meaning.

It bothers me that it rhymes. It just doesn't feel like the right wording. I can't figure out what to say for the child of earth and air.

Any input is appreciated. Let me know if you need more info
(2)

2. When I'm reading the plot, I find myself wondering about who the main characters will be in your story. I have read many science fiction and fantasy stories and I am often left wondering why I should care about them. Harry Potter, however, proved to be different because he was a complex character with an equally intriguing back story.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:19 PM
dtp81390 (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 24
Thanks: 0
Thanks 3
Default

The prophecy is the guiding line of the story. The MC is fire and water, and plays the role of the reluctant hero. Bits and pieces of it will be revealed throughout the story. The parts of the prophecy he hears at the beginning would be just about him, as the story goes on he learns of the child of earth and air. Before the final battle he learns of the combining of forces which has a double meaning, which helps him defeat the evil overlord.

Thanks for the advice on making the characters memorable and relateable.


I have taken a stab at simplifying the prophecy, making it a bit more cryptic, but still gets the point across

Let me know your thoughts on the revision.

Twice a Master shall be born, abandoned by their kin.
When day turns night, unleash their powers within.
Forged from sea and flame, blessed with untold might
Hardened by wind and stone, in the end both will fight
Master of one, Master of all, tested and tried.
Forces combined, will close the divide.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-27-2017, 04:37 PM
PickleBottom's Avatar
PickleBottom (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,975
Thanks: 1,306
Thanks 376
Default

Originally Posted by dtp81390 View Post
My story involves a prophecy.

When Darkness fall across the land
Good versus evil one last stand

A child born from fire and water
Power far beyond all other

A child born from Earth and air
...

Master of one, master of all
Master of elements, evil will fall

When forces combine to win the fight
Darkness will be turned to light.


The premise of the story is that only those born from 2 elements can master all of them. Essentially both of them need to work together to defeat the darkness. I want it to read that either could fulfill the prophecy.

It is similar to Harry potter in the sense that the prophecy could be about either. Also the section about combining forces could be about combining the elements or about both of them working together. I want this double meaning.

It bothers me that it rhymes. It just doesn't feel like the right wording. I can't figure out what to say for the child of earth and air.

Any input is appreciated. Let me know if you need more info
Greetings! Inspired by your thread I have asked for the intelleckchuals of WritersBeat to discuss Prophecies and Fatalism in the Intelleckchual Table of the Writer's Beat forum, please feel free to come down and discuss prophecies, what are your thoughts etc? What makes a good prophecy? Have you ever come across one in the real world etc?

To get to the Intelleckchual Table, you just have to get below the seedy "Adult Content (18/21+)" forum, and then dodge and/or sit beside the skeletons of former forum users who were 'et up through the lively debate, or died of boredom, the jury is still out.
__________________
If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas
-George Bernard Shaw
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
To My Kind Editor (Old school writing) JustinHoskie Free Writing 0 09-03-2012 07:41 PM
Feb 11 Online Class: Anatomy of writing steampunk anika Classifieds 0 01-14-2011 11:33 AM
Guidelines on writing nonsense. CaptJR Free Writing 12 09-14-2010 08:10 PM
Writing Competition oliveobrien Classifieds 0 07-21-2010 03:40 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 06:54 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.