I have a suggestion...
Originally Posted by dtp81390
When Darkness fall across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize your neighborhood
'cause this is THRILLERRRR.
Sorry to be sarcastic, it's in my DNA. The point I'm making with this is that I think the opening line is a bit... cheesey. You use an image of darkness falling across the land, of a fight between good and evil, dark vs light, mastery of the elements and a child born in prophecy. All of those individually could be considered "tropes", but putting every one together in a single prophecy is a bit much for me.
Time for the analysis. Let's look to Robert Jordan for a comparitive reference. In his Wheel Of Time series there is a continuous reference to the Karaethon Cycle - a prophecy which depicts the coming of the Dragon Reborn - which is revealed to us in parts throughout the book. I'm not a huge fan of the entire thing as I still think it gives away too much, but let's look at some of the better stuff.
I mean, he was pretty successful, so he must've done something right...
Power of the Shadow made human flesh
wakened to turmoil, strife and ruin.
The Reborn One, marked and bleeding,
dances the sword in dreams and mist,
chains the Shadowsworn to his will,
from the city, lost and forsaken,
leads the spears to war once more,
breaks the spears and makes them see,
truth long hidden in the ancient dream.
He shall slay his people with the sword of peace, and destroy them with the leaf
Now if you haven't read the books and could explain to me what the F*** that means I would be very impressed.
That's by no means the entire thing, but I think we can work with what's above by comparing to yours.
In both cases we have mention of someone born with destiny. A fate it seems they cannot escape. Fine. That tends to be the way of prophecies. Born of fire and water I can live with, since it's vague enough and you seem to have reasoning behind it.
I'd try and make it more vague and abstract. The more difficult it is for us, as the reader, to determine the prophecy until it is revealed to us in the book - the better. The weather forecast is technically a prophecy but it would make a damn boring plot.
I mean, for one thing, you've already spoiled the end of your story by telling us
. Finding this out is boring. I don't want to know this, it removes all of the beautiful suspense you can build which keeps people turning pages.
I'd apply the same logic to "darkness will be turned to light". In Jordan's novel, like most fantasy, it is a dark vs light story. However, from that prophecy you can't tell what's going to happen. We're only given a snippet of the journey.
If somebody read me a prophecy that said "a child will be born and he will turn darkness into light", I'd be feeling pretty relaxed knowing that destiny is gonna sort out the world just fine. You need that element of uncertainty in there. Create danger. Create risk. Jordan talks about the Dragon Reborn "slaying his people", "destroying them" and "breaking their spears". Those don't all sound like good things. That's a terrifying prophecy. Build that tension for me.
Content aside, there's a couple of grammar things I would fix in the first stanza:
When darkness falls across the land
Good versus evil, one last stand
A child born from fire and water
Power far beyond all other
A child born from Earth and air
Master of one, master of all
Master of elements, evil will fall
When forces combine to win the fight
Darkness will be turned to light.