WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Cold Days

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 03-03-2011, 10:36 AM
Stepshed's Avatar
Stepshed (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Durham
Posts: 55
Thanks: 32
Thanks 8
Default Cold Days


(I wrote this poem after my first wife - at our split up - tried to commit suicide by walking into the cold)

Walking, you go nowhere
unless you arrive at the beginning.

On cold days, tears
defrost the cheeks, make
salted paths across the face
where your dreams can walk
without slipping

and shattering
on the soulless ground.

You had dreams.
Yes you did.
Somewhere amongst the bones of happy times

walks a dream
that wears your face.

Remember, we got quite good
at weaving meaning out of
disorder though never
as well as we should have.

Those days are not gone.
Only people walk away. Maybe
that is the saddest thing

of all.
You are tired
of healing. You prefer walking
along some frozen path
that is too cold to remind you

to go home.
On cold days
death is warm. But for those
who are left with the bones

cold days
become very, very cold.

__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-03-2011, 11:06 AM
Tau's Avatar
Tau (Offline)
Solemn Simulacrum
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Unknown, possibly nowhere.
Posts: 8,830
Thanks: 497
Thanks 682
Default

Below are some suggestions, not sure how helpful they are, especially considering the emotional investment you probably having. As for the poem itself, I got very strong image from the second half after bones, but it was all out of focus if you know what I mean. Thank you for sharing.
Originally Posted by Stepshed View Post
Walking, you go nowhere
unless you arrive at the beginning.

On cold days, tears
defrost the cheeks, make ( I don't think you need the make)
salted paths across the face
where your dreams can walk
without slipping

and shattering
on the soulless ground.

You had dreams.
Yes you did.
Somewhere amongst the bones of happy times (comma after bones, move the rest down a line, and remove the gab to the next stanza)

walks a dream
that wears your face.

Remember, we got quite good
at weaving meaning out of
disorder though never
as well as we should have.

Those days are not gone.
Only people walk away. Maybe
that is the saddest thing

of all.
You are tired
of healing. You prefer walking
along some frozen path
that is too cold to remind you

to go home.
On cold days
death is warm. But for those
who are left with the bones

cold days
become very, very cold.
__________________
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Tau For This Useful Post:
Stepshed (03-03-2011)
  #3  
Old 03-03-2011, 08:09 PM
winterstorm's Avatar
winterstorm (Offline)
Fist of Fury
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2,548
Thanks: 53
Thanks 62
Default

Hi Stepshed,

I can relate to the idea and partially to the feeling of the poem...

Walking, you go nowhere/ unless you arrive at the beginning./ On cold days

This could be cut. Don't feel like it adds anything...

Originally Posted by Stepshed View Post
tears defrost cheeks, make
salted paths across the face
where dreams can walk
without slipping
and
shattering
on the soulless ground.

You had dreams
Yes you did

walks a dream that
wears your face,
somewhere amongst the happy times

Remember
we got quite good at weaving meaning
out of disorder
though never as well
as we should have.

You are tired of healing.
You prefer walking along some
frozen path
that is too cold
to remind you
to go home.

On cold days
death
is warm.

But
for those who are left
with the bones

Cold days
become
very,
very
cold.
Just did a minor edit, played around with the lines... even though they show a little unwell, I think they're placed just fine...

you could take or leave it.

I appreciate the read.
Thanks for sharing.
__________________
A sense of humor is presupposed.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-04-2011, 05:24 AM
Stepshed's Avatar
Stepshed (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Durham
Posts: 55
Thanks: 32
Thanks 8
Default

thanks for the suggestions winterstorm and Tau...I shall keep them in mind when I revise the poem thanks
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Your favorite lyrics from a song. DFischer Writers' Cafe 178 03-10-2011 09:24 AM
The Cold, Cold Shutdown timothyjward Poetry 0 01-16-2010 06:42 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 02:16 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.